Before now, I narrowed my intention toward getting thin or "getting healthy." In my mind, diet and exercise would, as other living examples show, result in a more pleasing figure and increased ease of movement, bolstered confidence, a better way of life, and earn the acceptance of fat-haters. Oh, and improve my overall health.
Health is that little price tag that dangles from the armpit of intention. You don't realize it's there unless it sticks you. It's the least motivating side-effect of working hard to modify my body and yet it is the most important one to talk about with others. Why? Because, if I at least talk about health, it will get you off my case!
I like to do things at my own pace, my own way, without having to practice your suggestions. Why do you insult my intelligence by telling me what works to lose weight? I've been a big girl for longer than I want to remember - don't you think I know by now? Maybe my body shape is proof that I haven't employed the tactics very well...but that doesn't mean I don't know how to take care of myself. Who hasn't learned that diet+exercise=win? And who hasn't failed at diet + exercise again and again and again? Buzz. Off.
Say hello to my evilbrain. It is full of ire and stress developed by years of denial, aggravation, failure, sadness - whatever negatives you can name to go with it - at not being able to lose weight even though I, like everybody else who has attempted it, know the magic formula.
And it has me thinking, if I know what to do, and I know it will work, why don't I just do it? What is getting in the way of my being how I want? Diet. Exercise. Diet. Exercise. Diet. Exercise. Imagine a brick in each hand, one with DIET etched in it, the other EXERCISE. Now think of me smacking my forehead with them in alternating strokes. Dude, why doesn't this shit sink in?
Because, It's not enough to know it. I really have to live it. Too often, I want to garner credibility for my efforts, no matter how small and inconsistent.
"Credibility is what you earn after you
do what you say you will do." - Anonymous
Yeah.
I accept that I have a pretty serious food addiction that I need help to control. How can I have a successful go at doing so? Evilbrain surgery. It's drastic, I know, but I can't change my body unless I change my mind. So, I'm going back to my behavioral health counselor. Step two in my plan to take over my world.
I'll be back to share the crazy details of our Friday session.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Out with the Old
The definition of insanity is an idea I've taken very seriously, and paid better attention to, since the (June) death of my mother. I can't continue to look for windows of opportunity to leap at possible weight loss options, or dive into a program designed to make me thin and healthy, only to come up short or quit too soon. Behavior like that isn't going to make me anything but tired and even more overweight - but I've done it for most of my life. The result of that pattern has yet to be successful. I'm trying something new.
But first, a picture to share: My mother was a little over 300 pounds in her hospital bed. She didn't weigh that much because of fat. She weighed that much because of fluid, an abundance of which was the result of blood product backed up because a faulty valve would not permit it to flow through her heart. She was swollen and it hurt her to move and to breathe. It prevented her from properly feeling my hand in hers.
I could believe that my mom would be living today if not for that valve, which is a truth, but the greater truth is that my mom would be living today if she was able to end her addiction to truly harmful foods.
It is an embarrassing idea, food addiction. It's not a gritty or street feel like drug or sex addiction, not a sorrowful, shameful feel like alcohol addiction. It has its own little sting and it's own slow, costly, painful game of roulette.
I have a food addiction and a major weight problem to pair with it. And like my mother I tried very hard to not have one any more, but an addiction is an addiction is an addiction and it is still there at the end of the diet program. It is still there when the commercials on TV tell you to run for the border. It is still there when you've stayed up way, too late and are honestly hungry again. The addiction doesn't stray.
I am NOT in agreement with America's new attack obesity - let's get that said right now. I AM in agreement with Americans using their God-given free will to change their lives, so no government bailouts in the form of special diets and crude lawmaking, thanks. I believe I can manage my addiction, and I'll tell you how:
By choosing to accept that I will always be addicted to food - especially certain ones. By understanding the response of my body is the result of my choices. By creating a supportive environment for myself. By sharing the process. By making my life about me and my health.
That's not to say, "Fuck everybody else." It's to prevent me from being over 300 pounds in a hospital bed with no way to get out of fluid-filled prison. I'll tell you how I'm doing that, next.
But first, a picture to share: My mother was a little over 300 pounds in her hospital bed. She didn't weigh that much because of fat. She weighed that much because of fluid, an abundance of which was the result of blood product backed up because a faulty valve would not permit it to flow through her heart. She was swollen and it hurt her to move and to breathe. It prevented her from properly feeling my hand in hers.
I could believe that my mom would be living today if not for that valve, which is a truth, but the greater truth is that my mom would be living today if she was able to end her addiction to truly harmful foods.
It is an embarrassing idea, food addiction. It's not a gritty or street feel like drug or sex addiction, not a sorrowful, shameful feel like alcohol addiction. It has its own little sting and it's own slow, costly, painful game of roulette.
I have a food addiction and a major weight problem to pair with it. And like my mother I tried very hard to not have one any more, but an addiction is an addiction is an addiction and it is still there at the end of the diet program. It is still there when the commercials on TV tell you to run for the border. It is still there when you've stayed up way, too late and are honestly hungry again. The addiction doesn't stray.
I am NOT in agreement with America's new attack obesity - let's get that said right now. I AM in agreement with Americans using their God-given free will to change their lives, so no government bailouts in the form of special diets and crude lawmaking, thanks. I believe I can manage my addiction, and I'll tell you how:
By choosing to accept that I will always be addicted to food - especially certain ones. By understanding the response of my body is the result of my choices. By creating a supportive environment for myself. By sharing the process. By making my life about me and my health.
That's not to say, "Fuck everybody else." It's to prevent me from being over 300 pounds in a hospital bed with no way to get out of fluid-filled prison. I'll tell you how I'm doing that, next.
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