I used to think the key to weight loss & a healthy life was this unidirectional cure-all called "diet & exercise" and God love me for trying to be, but I am no machine. I am amazed at people who are so disciplined the care of their nutritional and physical health is downright robotic. I heave a dreamy sigh at the image of being one of them.
Alas, I'm an obstinate Bostony sort who regularly turns her nose up at discipline. That's not a matter of pride, nor ignorance, I just don't like being told what to do - even by me.
My closest friends know I am difficult to deal with. Invitations to exercise together annoy me instead of seeming fun. I don't know why the walls go up around my behavior when someone else wants to help me work around them or change them...but they do! God forbid somebody suggest a diet or a method or a group of foods to try or what I really ought to stay away from. Nails. On. The. Chalk. Board.
So, I have to get sneaky and creative and clever in order to get anything past my little "Fuck You" fence (or is it defense) mechanism that pops up at suggestions. It keeps me on one side, well-meaning friends and family on the other.
But here's what works: If I impress myself and feel kind of genius because I came up with an idea to help me to adopt a discipline...I will try it. The same is true of when a friend presents something in a fun or interesting or cool way.
I could analyze "Why am I so picky!?" but it would cost me precious time when I could be finding solutions since I know what makes me tick. So, let's forget trying to know why I'm picky or defensive or surly toward suggestions and dig into the neat find of: If I'm jazzed about it, I'll give it a shot.
Like, right now? I am totally using my in-laws. They don't probably know it but they are contributors to my plan for a healthy lifestyle because I started making it a disciplined "thing" that we get together every Sunday (with flexibility for other engagements when necessary) and take turns making from-scratch meals.
So, they'll come to my house and eat zucchini noodles with Bolognese and sauteed spinach with garlic and pine nuts one week. The next we'll visit them for squash soup and salad greens. And they'll come back over for, well, last Sunday it was "Breakfast for dinner" so a big omelet and bacon and sausage and sweet potato hash and roasted asparagus (yes for dinner/breakfast) and so on.
I enjoy cooking for people and sharing meals. My in-laws are unsuspecting guinea pigs in my plan to live well on the weekends. I do really well making wholesome meals for us during the week but weekends can be hard. I get up super friggin' early to prep for our morning show then come home and need a nap before I can function the rest of the day...and wanting to cook can come with a huge BLAH feeling. Plus, I get a lot more comfortable with pushing phone buttons to hear "Golden China...may I help you?" when I'm exhausted.
So knowing I'll have them over gives me a burst of needed motivation to make something fun or new or well-liked in our home to share with them. Or knowing I get to go over there, not worry about what's in the food or how fat it's going to keep me because they are VERY well-disciplined health nuts makes me feel comforted. I don't need Golden China.
Plus, we started playing board games and/or watching movies afterward, just hanging out. I grew up with grandparents who I saw every weekend, did yard work with, had dinner with, played games and watched TV with or made crafts with - I spent all of Sunday with them and I do believe I've missed having that strong sense of family in my life (I live so far from my people!) Plus, this is something I get to give to my own kid: grandparent time.
Do you see how this idea just keeps getting more awesome?
I get to feel smart and make healthier choices and sort of benefit in all kinds of ways! Everybody does. That's the coolest thing.
Showing posts with label help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label help. Show all posts
Friday, January 25, 2013
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Still Plugging...
You already know that I'm changing my life. My efforts derailed while my mom was in the hospital and I'm still not where I was before mom died...in terms of mindset, ambition and discipline. I'm getting there. I'm getting myself there.
What stings like the tip of a needle is a realization that, at the loss of my parent, no matter how sucky or frustrating she was at times, I am alone to do what things I need to do for my body and mind and spirit. It's difficult to loosen apron strings to someone whose life presence was a touchstone for my own. Sometimes I want to tie them tighter yet. I want my Mommy.
There's an identity I've come to know while being her kid - a team-like feel I've held through the hell of weight gain, shredded self esteem, and rising phoenix-like from ashes to bask in joy-filled success. It's what we do, we humans. We are made to.
Having my head cheerleader mom to stick around through all of my stuff was precious to me. Having to be her head cheerleader was a hideous burden to me. One day I may appreciate that I could be. Right now, I feel the unfairness of being left alone and a responsibility to myself to kick out of the ashes knowing she isn't watching me. Or if she is, I won't get her feedback. The world around us won't receive her emails telling of my good deed or whatever.
I'd consider my feelings selfish if I didn't recognize this as a deeply childlike need of mine to have my mother. I'd even suck it up and cheer lead back to have her in my world.
I don't post a ton because I am drifting day-to-day...meanwhile setting myself up for success by hosting specialty groups via @meetup and working with a local media group to secure my intention to get back to weight loss work. I'm finding ways to cheer lead my own life. I don't like it as much...but I, being so accustomed to the "My Wen" of her voice and the bazillion email responses she forwards from friends telling her she has a great kid, I need to have that.
I considered being ashamed (only for a second). I'm not ashamed. I love attention and sharing everything I can. So, I'm going to. And I hope my mom can see. And I hope I get a "My Wen" whenever we meet up. Just the facts, Jack.
What stings like the tip of a needle is a realization that, at the loss of my parent, no matter how sucky or frustrating she was at times, I am alone to do what things I need to do for my body and mind and spirit. It's difficult to loosen apron strings to someone whose life presence was a touchstone for my own. Sometimes I want to tie them tighter yet. I want my Mommy.
There's an identity I've come to know while being her kid - a team-like feel I've held through the hell of weight gain, shredded self esteem, and rising phoenix-like from ashes to bask in joy-filled success. It's what we do, we humans. We are made to.
Having my head cheerleader mom to stick around through all of my stuff was precious to me. Having to be her head cheerleader was a hideous burden to me. One day I may appreciate that I could be. Right now, I feel the unfairness of being left alone and a responsibility to myself to kick out of the ashes knowing she isn't watching me. Or if she is, I won't get her feedback. The world around us won't receive her emails telling of my good deed or whatever.
I'd consider my feelings selfish if I didn't recognize this as a deeply childlike need of mine to have my mother. I'd even suck it up and cheer lead back to have her in my world.
I don't post a ton because I am drifting day-to-day...meanwhile setting myself up for success by hosting specialty groups via @meetup and working with a local media group to secure my intention to get back to weight loss work. I'm finding ways to cheer lead my own life. I don't like it as much...but I, being so accustomed to the "My Wen" of her voice and the bazillion email responses she forwards from friends telling her she has a great kid, I need to have that.
I considered being ashamed (only for a second). I'm not ashamed. I love attention and sharing everything I can. So, I'm going to. And I hope my mom can see. And I hope I get a "My Wen" whenever we meet up. Just the facts, Jack.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
You Might Want an Update.
Since I've been gone....
My mom's health has declined significantly. I am doing my best to work with doctors, nurses, clergy and others to somehow encourage her to try. She has a window of opportunity to choose to thrive or just exist in the state she is in now for her remaining years. months. weeks.
My cat has died. And as hard as it was to watch Crackers pass away, I'm glad we were home with him and tended to him. His death was heartbreaking, tender.
My big dog has survived major surgery. Simon doesn't know it, but he's probably the biggest light in our year so far - having made it through a very very complicated surgery. He still has some complications, but we're giving him love.
My littler dog has a bowel problem that may indicate a mass, but vets are cautious in diagnosing just yet (maybe because we have already been through so much?)
My mom's business has continued; though its financial situation is still a mystery. I am hoping to secure a lawyer who will help us figure that out.
My mom's personal bills keep coming in and one by one I'm doing what I can to pay them off with her minor income and my own paychecks. At times I have to use savings to make sure bigger things are taken care of, like homeowners insurance and stuff.
What am I doing for me...
Well, I am not dieting. I've gone back to a carbs-heavy, fast-food lifestyle. I am not "as bad" as I used to be, being more conscious of what I am doing every time I order at the drive thru and every time I shove carbs in my mouth....but I am still doing it and I know I am addicted to them. I want to go back to not eating them so heavily and readily, and go back to preparing meals more regularly for myself and my family, too.
I am not going to the gym. If you ate as many carbs as an addict as I have, you wouldn't be able to either. I sleep midday instead. I crash and I sleep.
I've made attempts to change back to the lots of greens, protein & high fats way of living, and I keep on trying to....and rushing through life, trying to handle too much gets me grabbing for what's easy: fast, processed crap.
But my mind knows this is not ok. My body doesn't FEEL good doing it. I can feel pounds adding back on - to my legs especially.
I'm not doing my homework - or wasn't - because I hadn't the energy or will to get it done.
Drastic times, drastic measures.
This is a fight. For my life.
So, I've asked for some time off from work - reduced a couple of days a week - to get myself "on track" however I can. I will begin with homework and cooking meals at home that I can bring with me to and from work and stuff - having food ready to heat and eat is what made me so successful prior to mid-January.
Small goals are what work for me, so if I can manage to get dinners to be carb-free (have been doing all this week) I will move on to fixing breakfasts. I know that once I've got this shit out of my system I will have no problem exercising.
Beginning again sucks. But the alternative is to be in bed like my mother.
My mom's health has declined significantly. I am doing my best to work with doctors, nurses, clergy and others to somehow encourage her to try. She has a window of opportunity to choose to thrive or just exist in the state she is in now for her remaining years. months. weeks.
My cat has died. And as hard as it was to watch Crackers pass away, I'm glad we were home with him and tended to him. His death was heartbreaking, tender.
My big dog has survived major surgery. Simon doesn't know it, but he's probably the biggest light in our year so far - having made it through a very very complicated surgery. He still has some complications, but we're giving him love.
My littler dog has a bowel problem that may indicate a mass, but vets are cautious in diagnosing just yet (maybe because we have already been through so much?)
My mom's business has continued; though its financial situation is still a mystery. I am hoping to secure a lawyer who will help us figure that out.
My mom's personal bills keep coming in and one by one I'm doing what I can to pay them off with her minor income and my own paychecks. At times I have to use savings to make sure bigger things are taken care of, like homeowners insurance and stuff.
What am I doing for me...
Well, I am not dieting. I've gone back to a carbs-heavy, fast-food lifestyle. I am not "as bad" as I used to be, being more conscious of what I am doing every time I order at the drive thru and every time I shove carbs in my mouth....but I am still doing it and I know I am addicted to them. I want to go back to not eating them so heavily and readily, and go back to preparing meals more regularly for myself and my family, too.
I am not going to the gym. If you ate as many carbs as an addict as I have, you wouldn't be able to either. I sleep midday instead. I crash and I sleep.
I've made attempts to change back to the lots of greens, protein & high fats way of living, and I keep on trying to....and rushing through life, trying to handle too much gets me grabbing for what's easy: fast, processed crap.
But my mind knows this is not ok. My body doesn't FEEL good doing it. I can feel pounds adding back on - to my legs especially.
I'm not doing my homework - or wasn't - because I hadn't the energy or will to get it done.
Drastic times, drastic measures.
This is a fight. For my life.
So, I've asked for some time off from work - reduced a couple of days a week - to get myself "on track" however I can. I will begin with homework and cooking meals at home that I can bring with me to and from work and stuff - having food ready to heat and eat is what made me so successful prior to mid-January.
Small goals are what work for me, so if I can manage to get dinners to be carb-free (have been doing all this week) I will move on to fixing breakfasts. I know that once I've got this shit out of my system I will have no problem exercising.
Beginning again sucks. But the alternative is to be in bed like my mother.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Plea.
Okay, so, it's not hard to realize I'm in trouble with my diet. I believe that I'm resorting to high fats/heavy foods/carbs & sweets because I'm too stressed out. I know the gym will help with stress - as will time - but I need to stop this like right now. I keep resorting to horrible choices and have zero energy to put into cooking or making something better. I don't want to screw up all the good work I've done! I had lost 50 pounds but it won't take much to gain it back at this rate. My rational mind is well aware of this. My emotions have taken over and when it comes to food, I find myself thinking "eff it" and putting healthier choices on hiatus. I'm writing this because I want to stop hurting myself - I am not intentionally hurting myself - and I need help. An anchor. Something. Mental reboot?
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The Hormones Rule
1. The Hormones Rule.
That's the rule. There's only one. I have been living by the hormones rule for nearly a week and I am having the hardest time trudging through it. What's happened to me? I think it's something to do with the P.M.S. theory and this is a real discovery for me. This is the first time in my life I've allowed myself to think about what throws me off of my diet and exercise plans when I am totally getting in a groove. Normally, I get depressed and ignore previous attempts to get healthy so I can dwell on being miserably NOT healthy. Not this time.
While I did sleep a lot, I didn't food log very much, and I totally skipped every plan for exercise SINCE LAST FRIDAY, I did force my thoughts out of the muck of feeling sorry for msyelf and/or guilty for concealing my downfall from the blog world, I made important mental progress.
The question for me now is "what do I do with this?" Now that I have the information (I'm pretty sure that hormones are the troublemaker). I keep coming to this spot and it keeps happening juuuuuust a week or two before my girl parts remind me I'm a fearfully and wonderfully made woman. I'm not telling you any of this so you'll track my cycle....but maybe you have some insight. Or maybe you have this problem. It is very destructive to go through this WORK REALLY HARD, GET VERY MOTIVATED, DO, DO, DO and GO, GO, GO mentality and physical hype up only to fall so hard, so fast into what ends up being a complete nosedive.
I lose my energy mentally, physically, spiritually. I gain an appetite that I really don't even have before or after - and believe me when I say I make the most unhealthy, unhappy choices and I don't even care because 1) I feel the need to satisfy a pregnancy-like craving (remember pregnancy cravings? you can't say no to them!) 2) I just want whatever is most convenient and has either the most salt or the most chocolate. 3) I feel weak. It doesn't matter how much strength I've built up for three weeks prior, I feel completely wiped out. Dead. Can't do more. Nothin.
I can't blame sleep because I nap well enough even though my wake and bed times are funky for most people. I can only blame this hormonal shift...it feels kind of like when the world goes out of alignment. And when the world IS out of alignment, it feels even more confusing.
I'm coming out of the downspin now...and I am taking very seriously the "Now you know." mentality so that if this happens again I can still blog, still stay with you even if I can't seem to stay with my awesome health plans. I do think staying away was my biggest mistake.
That's the rule. There's only one. I have been living by the hormones rule for nearly a week and I am having the hardest time trudging through it. What's happened to me? I think it's something to do with the P.M.S. theory and this is a real discovery for me. This is the first time in my life I've allowed myself to think about what throws me off of my diet and exercise plans when I am totally getting in a groove. Normally, I get depressed and ignore previous attempts to get healthy so I can dwell on being miserably NOT healthy. Not this time.
While I did sleep a lot, I didn't food log very much, and I totally skipped every plan for exercise SINCE LAST FRIDAY, I did force my thoughts out of the muck of feeling sorry for msyelf and/or guilty for concealing my downfall from the blog world, I made important mental progress.
The question for me now is "what do I do with this?" Now that I have the information (I'm pretty sure that hormones are the troublemaker). I keep coming to this spot and it keeps happening juuuuuust a week or two before my girl parts remind me I'm a fearfully and wonderfully made woman. I'm not telling you any of this so you'll track my cycle....but maybe you have some insight. Or maybe you have this problem. It is very destructive to go through this WORK REALLY HARD, GET VERY MOTIVATED, DO, DO, DO and GO, GO, GO mentality and physical hype up only to fall so hard, so fast into what ends up being a complete nosedive.
I lose my energy mentally, physically, spiritually. I gain an appetite that I really don't even have before or after - and believe me when I say I make the most unhealthy, unhappy choices and I don't even care because 1) I feel the need to satisfy a pregnancy-like craving (remember pregnancy cravings? you can't say no to them!) 2) I just want whatever is most convenient and has either the most salt or the most chocolate. 3) I feel weak. It doesn't matter how much strength I've built up for three weeks prior, I feel completely wiped out. Dead. Can't do more. Nothin.
I can't blame sleep because I nap well enough even though my wake and bed times are funky for most people. I can only blame this hormonal shift...it feels kind of like when the world goes out of alignment. And when the world IS out of alignment, it feels even more confusing.
I'm coming out of the downspin now...and I am taking very seriously the "Now you know." mentality so that if this happens again I can still blog, still stay with you even if I can't seem to stay with my awesome health plans. I do think staying away was my biggest mistake.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
The Deniaaalllll.....!
Why so much denial?
This question has been rolling around with me for a while and tonight it won't let me sleep a wink. Could have to do with my mom called and I listened to over an hour of woe because she's very, very, very overweight and her life is in immediate danger and she knows it.
She has congestive heart failure. She has diabetes. She's on the mend from surgery to remove uterine cancer. She has weak lungs. She has asthma. Her feet swell. She can hardly walk. She's not sleeping right. She's emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted. She's getting sickly and is staying in bed more. She doesn't know what to do to get stronger again.
I may not have all the complications my mother has, but I have been in that state - that "I know I need to do something, but I have no idea what" mindset where you clearly DO know what steps you must take, but you resist taking them....for reasons like: stubbornness, rebellion, aversion to the loss of control, fear of being out of control, dislike of having to change your behaviors, dislike of having to eat things you don't like and stay away from things you do like, dislike for your body because it doesn't process foodstuff that way other peoples' bodies do, the natural resistance buildup you get from physical fatigue, the feeling that you're in a cyclical spin you can't fight your way out of.
There are LOTS of reasons to deny yourself of health and well-being. There are LOTS of reasons to deny responsibility for your state. There are LOTS of reasons to deny that you need help. There are LOTS of reasons to deny that you have ultimate control or CAN do anything about anything at all.
I don't know if my mother is going to get any help or if she's as capable of helping herself as she wants to convince me; however, I know that I need help and I'm so glad I'm getting it.
I told my mom tonight that if I was that good at taking care of myself all by myself I wouldn't have a problem with my weight. The fact is, I cannot take care of myself properly and I must learn to. I'm not going to tell myself I do know how when it is painfully clear when I look in a mirror that I'd only be lying to myself.
I'm glad I have the gym to go to and the people there who are encouraging and helpful and who know a whole lot about fitness and what my body needs in order to perform, feel and look well. I'm glad I have this upcoming nutrition and wellness group to attend via Yourishment because I'm going to learn (what I thought I already knew) the accurate balance of foods my body needs in order to perform, feel and look well. It's not like I haven't been to a gym before or haven't seen a dietitian or nutrition expert in all my years...it's just that I know I have to start with forgetting everything I think I know and just...let the experts teach me what they know.
In this way, I am educating myself and also giving myself real freedom from all those strangely tempting reasons to deny that I can be well. Physically, emotionally and spiritually well.
Food log: Tuesday 8/9
Wake: 6:20 AM
7:20 AM/not hugely hungry
1/2 a bran muffin
1 med banana
2% milk
...you won't believe this, but I forgot to bring my snack with me to work. It was drudgery mid-morning.
11:00 AM/hungry
Pepsi One
...and I had a Doc appt. for 1:45 so lunch wasn't til almost 3.
Almost 3 PM/RAR!
Deli roast beef and American cheese on wheat bread with mayo. I was too lazy to bother building veggies into the sandwich. Water.
NAP: 3:30 PM to 6:ish PM
7:40 PM/impatiently hungry
1 wedge of Laughing Cow cheese & a snacky portion of sourdough pretzel nibblers. (this while I was already cooking dinner but was too impatient to wait the fifteen minutes or so.)
8:00 PM/could eat
Garden veggie pasta with chicken and pesto. Water.
10:00 PM/thirsty, craving caffeine really
Diet Pepsi Lime
Bed time is now... good night!
This question has been rolling around with me for a while and tonight it won't let me sleep a wink. Could have to do with my mom called and I listened to over an hour of woe because she's very, very, very overweight and her life is in immediate danger and she knows it.
She has congestive heart failure. She has diabetes. She's on the mend from surgery to remove uterine cancer. She has weak lungs. She has asthma. Her feet swell. She can hardly walk. She's not sleeping right. She's emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted. She's getting sickly and is staying in bed more. She doesn't know what to do to get stronger again.
I may not have all the complications my mother has, but I have been in that state - that "I know I need to do something, but I have no idea what" mindset where you clearly DO know what steps you must take, but you resist taking them....for reasons like: stubbornness, rebellion, aversion to the loss of control, fear of being out of control, dislike of having to change your behaviors, dislike of having to eat things you don't like and stay away from things you do like, dislike for your body because it doesn't process foodstuff that way other peoples' bodies do, the natural resistance buildup you get from physical fatigue, the feeling that you're in a cyclical spin you can't fight your way out of.
There are LOTS of reasons to deny yourself of health and well-being. There are LOTS of reasons to deny responsibility for your state. There are LOTS of reasons to deny that you need help. There are LOTS of reasons to deny that you have ultimate control or CAN do anything about anything at all.
I don't know if my mother is going to get any help or if she's as capable of helping herself as she wants to convince me; however, I know that I need help and I'm so glad I'm getting it.
I told my mom tonight that if I was that good at taking care of myself all by myself I wouldn't have a problem with my weight. The fact is, I cannot take care of myself properly and I must learn to. I'm not going to tell myself I do know how when it is painfully clear when I look in a mirror that I'd only be lying to myself.
I'm glad I have the gym to go to and the people there who are encouraging and helpful and who know a whole lot about fitness and what my body needs in order to perform, feel and look well. I'm glad I have this upcoming nutrition and wellness group to attend via Yourishment because I'm going to learn (what I thought I already knew) the accurate balance of foods my body needs in order to perform, feel and look well. It's not like I haven't been to a gym before or haven't seen a dietitian or nutrition expert in all my years...it's just that I know I have to start with forgetting everything I think I know and just...let the experts teach me what they know.
In this way, I am educating myself and also giving myself real freedom from all those strangely tempting reasons to deny that I can be well. Physically, emotionally and spiritually well.
Food log: Tuesday 8/9
Wake: 6:20 AM
7:20 AM/not hugely hungry
1/2 a bran muffin
1 med banana
2% milk
...you won't believe this, but I forgot to bring my snack with me to work. It was drudgery mid-morning.
11:00 AM/hungry
Pepsi One
...and I had a Doc appt. for 1:45 so lunch wasn't til almost 3.
Almost 3 PM/RAR!
Deli roast beef and American cheese on wheat bread with mayo. I was too lazy to bother building veggies into the sandwich. Water.
NAP: 3:30 PM to 6:ish PM
7:40 PM/impatiently hungry
1 wedge of Laughing Cow cheese & a snacky portion of sourdough pretzel nibblers. (this while I was already cooking dinner but was too impatient to wait the fifteen minutes or so.)
8:00 PM/could eat
Garden veggie pasta with chicken and pesto. Water.
10:00 PM/thirsty, craving caffeine really
Diet Pepsi Lime
Bed time is now... good night!
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