From the Horse's Mouth

As I explained to my counselor yesterday, I hate taking pills. I hate feeling dependent on synthetic crap to make me "work right." I hate needing medicine. I hate owning up to the fact that I have any disease or disorder. But I do: High blood pressure. Hypothyroidism. Diabetes.

I talked at length for most of our session to make clear the feelings I have about asking my doctor to go back to taking medicines that regulate my hormones and insulin output. I do take high blood pressure medicine without complaint...mostly because I feel horrid if I don't. The headaches and general discomfort have hammered that prescription into my daily life. I hate that, too.

But I went on and on about how I've been able to regulate the Diabetes AND increase thyroid activity by diet and exercise - not to mention that I've been truly consistent with neither for a year. Of course I didn't mention that part! Fortunately, I've been to this counselor regularly since before my mom died and she knows that while there was a good six months, once upon a time, when I DID do spectacularly well via diet and exercise (and was improving my BP and every other important regulated system in my body,) that time is past...and my attitude toward drug-taking is obsolete.

I tried to diffuse her argument, saying that I did it once so could do it again. Do you know want what she said to me? She said, "Isn't that interesting that you want to be healthy, but you want to do so on your own terms. You want everything to work out the way you want it to, but you're not willing to do the things you need to do for that to happen." I was quiet for the pause. "Isn't that what your mother tried to do?"

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I can't say what I felt at that wallop, but I heard the truth. And in the span of only a few minutes, I relived the aching hours spent watching my mom's body disintegrate before my very eyes. That is what she tried to do. How much am I like her? And how do I stop before I become what she has become?

The question led me to a day long search for a physician who works with patients who experience metabolic syndromes like Diabetes and Hypothyroidism (and whose family history is full of heart disease and strokes and cancers).

I found someone who has a private practice over 2 hours north of where I live and I'm going to go see her. I've already sent her an email sort of outlining what is happening with me. My luck, she is taking new patients and can accommodate out of town people like me...and has done gobs and gobs of work to help individuals like me whose genetic predisposition is the suck.

So tonight/this morning I feel intensely mortal, delicate as tissue paper, and have not been able to sleep with all the worry over what my body is doing now. I am sorry it took such a jolt of awareness to make me look in the mirror that doesn't reflect Wendy: separate from her mom, but Wendy: the overlay on her mom's sad image. At least it took.

to HDL we go!

I have to make a new goal since preparing breakfast to avoid drive thru mornings has been achieved. I've liked making breakfast very much, too. It's pretty cool to come up with different things to keep from growing bored. I can sometimes eat the same thing day in, day out, but there are times when variety is the only thing to get me through.

I meet with Ivana tomorrow to first celebrate my 40 pound weight loss to date (since August 2011) and then to make new goals now that I'm doing the two I made a few weeks ago:

Go to the gym Mondays and Wednesdays.
Fix breakfast at home every day.


I've learned to make a number of quick breakfasts that are in accordance with the diet plan from Yourishment and I'm ready to tackle something that will improve my heart health: boosting HDL.

I've read and I've read and I've read about doing so and while exercise is a no-brainer, I want to do more to help my HDL levels go up. If I can get them up and more balanced with my lowered LDL levels, my heart (and arteries!) will be plenty happy.

Did you know that a lot of the reason why HDL is so important is so that our bodies aren't inflamed? Did you know that sugar (aka carbs aka "grains") and trans fats cause inflammation AND that inflammation is why we get an increase of your LDL - the bad cholesterol - level? I had no idea...but there you have it.

So we are walking around swollen and on fire from all the processed foods we consume. No wonder that feeling of being bloated never leaves!

My fitness goal is going to be to add a few more exercises to my Monday schedule because I mostly just hop on the treadmill and go.

My food goal is going to be to increase the amt of veggies I put away in a day. Very fit folks doing the same diet I am are eating up to 9 servings of veggies a day. I am at a shy 3 or 4. 9 seems hard to do, so I may start a little lower. I thought about breaking it in half and getting 4.5 in regularly...but I just realized I am already at 3 or 4. So maybe I will go for 6 a day.

The toughest part about this diet is that I can't just reach for a fruit to fill in my fiber needs - at least not yet. Once my body is more fit and I'm at a size that is good for my frame, I can reintroduce fruits very slowly. For now, though, I've got to make those 6 servings just, plain veggies.

Would you even believe I was someone who couldn't stand most vegetables? I had no idea I'd like as many as I do. It's really cool. :)

I feel like I'm up to the challenge...and we'll see how true that is.

Other ways to boost HDL are to increase Omega 3 in the diet - so I'll be poking around at eating fish - and a handful of nuts here or there can be good. So can alcohol. I am so so tempted to do that small glass of wine each day thing. I love wine. So many carbs, though.

Whatever, I'll figure it out with Ivana in the morning.