You Might Want an Update.

Since I've been gone....

My mom's health has declined significantly. I am doing my best to work with doctors, nurses, clergy and others to somehow encourage her to try. She has a window of opportunity to choose to thrive or just exist in the state she is in now for her remaining years. months. weeks.

My cat has died. And as hard as it was to watch Crackers pass away, I'm glad we were home with him and tended to him. His death was heartbreaking, tender.

My big dog has survived major surgery. Simon doesn't know it, but he's probably the biggest light in our year so far - having made it through a very very complicated surgery. He still has some complications, but we're giving him love.

My littler dog has a bowel problem that may indicate a mass, but vets are cautious in diagnosing just yet (maybe because we have already been through so much?)

My mom's business has continued; though its financial situation is still a mystery. I am hoping to secure a lawyer who will help us figure that out.

My mom's personal bills keep coming in and one by one I'm doing what I can to pay them off with her minor income and my own paychecks. At times I have to use savings to make sure bigger things are taken care of, like homeowners insurance and stuff.

What am I doing for me...

Well, I am not dieting. I've gone back to a carbs-heavy, fast-food lifestyle. I am not "as bad" as I used to be, being more conscious of what I am doing every time I order at the drive thru and every time I shove carbs in my mouth....but I am still doing it and I know I am addicted to them. I want to go back to not eating them so heavily and readily, and go back to preparing meals more regularly for myself and my family, too.

I am not going to the gym. If you ate as many carbs as an addict as I have, you wouldn't be able to either. I sleep midday instead. I crash and I sleep.

I've made attempts to change back to the lots of greens, protein & high fats way of living, and I keep on trying to....and rushing through life, trying to handle too much gets me grabbing for what's easy: fast, processed crap.

But my mind knows this is not ok. My body doesn't FEEL good doing it. I can feel pounds adding back on - to my legs especially.

I'm not doing my homework - or wasn't - because I hadn't the energy or will to get it done.

Drastic times, drastic measures.

This is a fight. For my life.

So, I've asked for some time off from work - reduced a couple of days a week - to get myself "on track" however I can. I will begin with homework and cooking meals at home that I can bring with me to and from work and stuff - having food ready to heat and eat is what made me so successful prior to mid-January.

Small goals are what work for me, so if I can manage to get dinners to be carb-free (have been doing all this week) I will move on to fixing breakfasts. I know that once I've got this shit out of my system I will have no problem exercising.

Beginning again sucks. But the alternative is to be in bed like my mother.

One down...a billion to go!

I stayed on course and swerved to go to the gym today instead of coming straight home. This was progress. If it's the only thing I do the entire day that feels like progress, then it was. I'm so glad I did it. I hesitate to call myself "Back on Track" so I'll just say yay a tiny bit. I need a tiny yay right now. :)

The stamina. The appetite. The wonder of it all....

Here is what I've noticed now that sugar and simple carbs are mostly eliminated from my diet: my appetite still grows, but it doesn't turn me into a grizzly bear and it doesn't get so huge that I have to hurry up and eat something. this means:

I can stay away from drive thrus if only I will adjust my life schedule and take better care of my needs when the day begins. That's something I am working on. I have a tendency to make my daughter's lunch and even make my husband's lunch, but I'll skip having breakfast and skip packing anything for myself to eat before I leave for work. I have prayer time for myself and I make myself a travel mug of tea, but then I am out the door - already planning a drive thru purchase of a breakfast mc-something or BK egg-item.

Drive thru breakfast is not helping me lose any weight so, I've decided (as of yesterday) to wake up a half hour earlier than I normally would and eat breakfast and pack a snack to take to work. I like having lunch at home, so I will continue to do so.

Now, as for stamina. It could be the 17 pounds gone or it could be the things I don't eat any more, but let me tell you... I have BARELY exercised since beginning this program. I make it to my Barb days, but I have skipped every other night or day of working out. Fortunately, I expected to go through some of that behavior. I'd read up on this food changing existence before going into it and Dr. Eades warns that exercise goes kind of by the wayside for a while. ...but then it picks up again. I think I am in the picking up again phase now. Barb is really good at kicking my butt AND keeping my head on AND keeping my goals in mind.

I feel like I have gained clarity by eating this way - can you believe it? I am able to get more accomplished. I think more clearly. I function more thoroughly, too.

The most fun I am having with this is that I get to make new recipes. I'm going to share some with you next time I post...and squee about a food processor that I bought myself. I realize this makes me kind of a kitchen nerd...but, I'm totally excited.

Exercise resumes tonight. I've no idea whether Hopper will get on the T-mill with me this evening, but I'll do my 30 minutes. I feel relieved getting back on track with exercise. Here we go again!

I'm walking and it's against my wishes.

This is just a post to say I'm tired and I don't want to go walk on the treadmill...which is exactly why I am going to go walk on the treadmill. Plus, Hopper time. I really enjoy the hour of alternate walking and continuous talking with my kid. Plus, she picks out cute movies. We last left off in the middle of Disney's 'Tangled' so will probably be finishing that this evening. The movie tugs on my urge to paint things so much.

I wish I could sleep instead of walk, but. That wouldn't make having written goal 1 worth the time or ink or paper, ya know?

They are a-changing...

Good news: I haven't gained any weight (even with my non-food-logging weekend!) I didn't lose any either and that's ok.

Better News: My trainer Barb is back from her vacation so gym time was better than it is when I trudge it alone. It is great to see her and to hear what she has to say because I've got enough of a history of learning A&P from massage school and college to understand the physiology of what is happening with my body and I can isolate muscle groups mentally so when she's referring to something or asking me a question, we can both be pretty specific and that is nice.

I explained that I've been doing the mile in her absence and that I wanted to be ready to take on more today...but that I have gotten tired my last two times on the treadmill and had to split my mile up into halfs with rest in between. I couldn't explain why... but she was there to tap on my skull with the DUH hammer and asked, "have you increased your speed?"

Well...yes. I've been kicking the speed up as much as I can becauseIjustwanttogetthewalkoverwith - honest truth! My genius fitness instructor then said, "You're going to get tired earlier if you have your speed kicked up like that. SLOW DOWN."  I made faces. She's right, though, and I hadn't even thought of that as a reason. I like to think I have a rational mind and could have worked that one out on my own, but I sincerely felt it was a mystery, my not being able to finish a whole mile in one stretch, since I'd been finishing a whole mile in one stretch for about two weeks. DUH, Wendy. :)

Now that my brain is in sync with perspective, I'll be doing one long-ass (takes too long!) mile twice a week and then doing shorter bursts of faster walking (she hopes at least a half mile) once a week while at the gym. (This on top of my free weights and nautilus training stuff...of course!) In between days, I get to be sore and walk funny, which is okay...I'm used to it.

So, yeah. Lesson for today is: Consider the obvious, stupid!

Group starts in two weeks (that's when I'll be changing my diet) and I can't wait to meet The Others. I like coach Ivana quite a bit and I can see validity in the things she has to say.  I expect things will get tougher before they get easier when it comes to the diet stuff because I already know some of the foods I will be giving up for a while (or life). I just have to keep in mind that it's all for a good cause: Me.

Hey, I must be doing well because I just called myself a good cause. That's pretty great.

A Mile by Sunday: DONE.

I am feeling the glory of having finished a 30 minute mile. I'd gotten to where I could do a mile in about 45 minutes a few weeks ago and then I skipped exercising entirely (for 2 weeks) so to do .75 of a mile in just over 30 minutes Wednesday and cut my time and still complete the mile TODAY is like WOAH. Words cannot describe. Or maybe they can:

I had a sucky day at work. It wasn't that the workplace wasn't comfortable and it wasn't that my coworkers were any kind of bother. Clients, prize winners and guests who came in were all pretty great. Communication, though? Kaput! It was one of those days when you question if you exist on the same planet as everybody else. I had to go over step-by-step instructions on a number of things because my brain just wouldn't ingest what other people were telling me, and I couldn't seem to express what I knew would make sense, but could only spill out of my head as a jumble of uhms and uhs because my mind was busy backtracking to make sure I was being as clear as I could. TELL ME THIS HAPPENS TO YOU.

So, when I left the office, I was mumbly and grumbly. I had to pass Pantops a.k.a ISLE OF HAZARDOUS FOOD and I was so tempted to veer off into the Taco Bell drive-up that I sought my cell phone (yes, while driving) to hold onto in case I needed to dial someone to talk me through a food-mergency.

My head talk went like this: "But, Taco Bell now is going to make me too tired to go to the gym. Heck, I'm already too tired to go to the gym. Still, if I just keep driving, I'll be home pretty soon and there's stuff already there to eat. But, maybe Burger King would be okay. I could just toss the bread and skip the fries. Ew, but then I'd have to blog it. Sigh. I'm crazy-thirsty. I'll just go through and get a drink. And maybe something little. Augh, see. I can't even JUST get a drink. Fuck it. I have Diet Pepsi at home anyway."

By the time I finished talking, I was already past the clump of fast food joints. My conversation hadn't stopped though.

"What time is it? It's only 1. Wow, I thought it was later. There's time to go to the gym. But, I have to take Hopper to horses (riding lessons) today. *a minute for clock math* So...huhm. I can't eat anything before I go to the gym or I'll get sleepy and ignore everything. But, if I go to the gym, I'll be tired taking Hopper to horses. BLAH. Okay, check it: You can go home and bring this shitty day with you and be all negative and have lunch and probably be too tired to do anything else and feel like crap because you didn't make good choices or you can go to the gym and turn this into a positive day. Even if you don't do the mile. At least go."

I was almost home. I came up on the road that leads to the gym.

"If I go now, I can get on the treadmill and maybe let go of some of this (miscommunication) crap. But, I am not doing a mile. Not today. I could barely friggin walk this morning. I'm going to be tired taking Hopper to horses. But, I can just sleep in the car while she rides. FINE. I'll do it."

Resigned to go to the gym, I turned down that road.

On the treadmill next.

"Good God. There is no way I'm going to get a mile done. It's going to take forever. How long has it been? *check timer* Three minutes. *walkwalkwalk. check time.* Five minutes. UGH! How far have I even gone? *check* Snails walk faster!"

I spent at least half a mile trying to ignore absolutely everything by watching poorly typed captions on two overhead televisions. To the right was CNN news, to the left Days of Our Lives, and I loosely followed both. I can tell you that CNN is harping on obesity because fat kids died of heat exhaustion in recent months and Brady is so going to pummel E.J. when he gets to the clearing in the forest where E.J.'s waiting for him - but Victor may know something and he just may interfere with those plans. That guy's an opportunist, Victor.

If you're still reading this, I gradually increased my speed and just kept going. I got my real energy when I was at a half mile. That's when I started telling myself (trainer-Barb-style) to walk in increments of five - I'd reach .55 miles and set my mind on getting to .60...like that. I told myself that when I got to .90 I would slow my speed down and walk a lazy tenth to the finish...and that's just what I did.

So, now I'm home. I'm tired. I have yet to eat the microwaved entree thingie I threw in when I got here, so I'm off to do that and then take Hopper to horses where I will undoubtedly fall asleep. Hallelujah!

Whiney Gym Day

I didn't want to go to the gym today, but I'm glad I went. It's been two weeks since my last visit because I've let a heap of moping take precedence over fulfilling my exercise obligations. I could wah-wah-wah to you for a while and tick off a list reasons for neglecting to go, but let's not. I'm a smart woman. If there is a reason to not go, I can find it and cling to it like a bug on a blade of grass in a windstorm.

I went. And in the weeks I've missed I've lost some momentum and strength so I had to start ....well, not at the beginning. I am still in far better shape than I was when I first walked into the fitness center and asked Barb for help. So, today I began with a setback, but it wasn't awful.

Previously, I'd worked up to walking a mile and a quarter. Today, I walked three quarters of a mile. If I can walk a mile by Sunday I can be back on track  I'm not so certain I will make the Women's 4-Miler; however, I agreed to train as if it's still going to happen.

"The worst that can happen is that you can walk two miles," Barb said. She's right. I can't let the overwhelming goal of four miles stop me from getting to two. Imagine if I could walk two miles, three times a week? Today showed me that I have the right stuff...it just is going to take time. I have to remember when I couldn't even walk one mile any day of the week and see what I'm doing now as a pretty good accomplishment.

I stayed at a pretty slow pace (slower than I actually wanted to walk) but was able to keep annoying knee pain between 3-4 on a scale of 10 for the entire time. Good news, that.