Body Modification

Before now, I narrowed my intention toward getting thin or "getting healthy." In my mind, diet and exercise would, as other living examples show, result in a more pleasing figure and increased ease of movement, bolstered confidence, a better way of life, and earn the acceptance of fat-haters. Oh, and improve my overall health.

Health is that little price tag that dangles from the armpit of intention. You don't realize it's there unless it sticks you. It's the least motivating side-effect of working hard to modify my body and yet it is the most important one to talk about with others. Why?  Because, if I at least talk about health, it will get you off my case!

I like to do things at my own pace, my own way, without having to practice your suggestions.  Why do you insult my intelligence by telling me what works to lose weight? I've been a big girl for longer than I want to remember - don't you think I know by now? Maybe my body shape is proof that I haven't employed the tactics very well...but that doesn't mean I don't know how to take care of myself. Who hasn't learned that diet+exercise=win? And who hasn't failed at diet + exercise again and again and again? Buzz. Off.

Say hello to my evilbrain. It is full of ire and stress developed by years of denial, aggravation, failure, sadness - whatever negatives you can name to go with it - at not being able to lose weight even though I, like everybody else who has attempted it, know the magic formula.

And it has me thinking, if I know what to do, and I know it will work, why don't I just do it? What is getting in the way of my being how I want? Diet. Exercise. Diet. Exercise. Diet. Exercise. Imagine a brick in each hand, one with DIET etched in it, the other EXERCISE. Now think of me smacking my forehead with them in alternating strokes. Dude, why doesn't this shit sink in?

Because, It's not enough to know it. I really have to live it. Too often, I want to garner credibility for my efforts, no matter how small and inconsistent.

"Credibility is what you earn after you do what you say you will do." - Anonymous

Yeah.

I accept that I have a pretty serious food addiction that I need help to control. How can I have a successful go at doing so? Evilbrain surgery. It's drastic, I know, but I can't change my body unless I change my mind. So, I'm going back to my behavioral health counselor. Step two in my plan to take over my world.

I'll be back to share the crazy details of our Friday session.

When DOES it become a habit?

I am so not into a habit of going to the gym. I am into a daily conversation over whether I am going to the gym and what I am going to do there - and then my evilbrain steps in with its own "ahem" list of excuses that I can choose from if I'd rather. I have come to accept that I have to allow a moment for my evilbrain to think of why I can't, wouldn't or shouldn't go to the gym on a gym day (MON WED FRI) and then I have to allow for my rational mind to reason away the excuses.

Sometimes the excuses win...just a little. I think if I didn't let myself "mess up" sometimes I'd get angry at this process and say "fuck it all" and quit it. Then again, I have to be careful not to let myself give in (as opposed to messing up) because it is just as easy to continue making diet and exercise mistakes on purpose to eventually say the same thing.

Let me tell you about my weekend: I DID NOT FOOD BLOG! I had a friend visit, I had a lot of running around/dining out to do and I let myself just -be- for the weekend. I didn't blog, I didn't food log, I didn't go to the gym after Friday and I still found myself making pretty good choices. Twice, I totally over-ordered food.... by that I mean I felt "so hungry I could eat a house," so I'd ordered the kitchen, only to begin eating and then realize that I can't possibly eat a kitchen. My own body shut me down when enough was enough before I could grab for more. I felt full and kind of lazy and a little achey, for instance, after some time spent at an Italian restaurant where I had 1 piece of garlic bread, about 4 zucchini sticks and 1 slice of a small pizza (it was a gorgeous spinach, ricotta, tomato, garlic + a little bit of bacon pizza). 1 slice. Yep, that's it.  I grew up eating entire pizzas of this size. 

By being a little bad with the diet, I feel very, very good - I feel very, very healthy both mentally and physically. The weekend was an eye-opener when it came to appetite, certainly, but it also taught me that I can choose "whatever" and still be just fine. I don't have to say "fuck it all," to have a good time. I can manage, and do a pretty good job, and resume my food log and diet routine without guilt or pain.... because my body knew when enough was enough.

So...when does going to the gym become a habit? Because I am totally skipping today. I told you sometimes the evilbrain wins.

Just don't tell it that I'm going to use the home treadmill tonight. There is no way I am giving up that mile I worked all this time for. No. Way.