We're spending one on one time with Crackers (our cat) whenever we feel we can. He's up for being cuddled just a little. Mostly he wants to sit on his own, tucked away in the restroom on a towel I doubled up for him. He's moving pretty slowly and the phases our vet explained would happen are taking place. It's troubling letting your pet die on his own; yet, none of us is able to give a go ahead for euthanizing him. Either choice is a hard one...but we're pretty resolved to try comfort measures right now.
I feel bad for the times when he would hop up to be in my way and get some loving that I pushed him off or set him aside so he wouldn't be a nuisance or get in the way of what I was doing. Granted, I didn't do so EVERY time, but the times I did were pretty ignorant of me. It was only a few weeks ago. His decline has been rapid - too rapid - and heartbreaking, but we're trying to give him the dignity we'd give any one of our relatives who is dying by loving him the best we can while he's still among us.
It's the first we've ever done this. In the past, we've had a cat and two dogs who died very unexpectedly so there was no goodbye time, no extra TLC, no being with them through the scary part.
The vet believes Crackers understands what is happening and is doing what comes naturally to cats. We just love him so much.
I've had a horrible time with food all over again - and my ambition is half-hearted with just about everything. I'm sure some of it comes from worrying about and mourning my cat and some of it comes from worrying about my mom and stressing over her world of issues and some of it comes from that lonely feeling that happens when you realize at the bottom of your bottom there is no one to pull you out - it is really up to you and whatever faith you can muster.
If I didn't believe in God, I'd be an even deeper mess. But, I do. I really do. And I pray that we are doing what is right for Crackers and that we are being respectful as we hang with him these last days.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Plea.
Okay, so, it's not hard to realize I'm in trouble with my diet. I believe that I'm resorting to high fats/heavy foods/carbs & sweets because I'm too stressed out. I know the gym will help with stress - as will time - but I need to stop this like right now. I keep resorting to horrible choices and have zero energy to put into cooking or making something better. I don't want to screw up all the good work I've done! I had lost 50 pounds but it won't take much to gain it back at this rate. My rational mind is well aware of this. My emotions have taken over and when it comes to food, I find myself thinking "eff it" and putting healthier choices on hiatus. I'm writing this because I want to stop hurting myself - I am not intentionally hurting myself - and I need help. An anchor. Something. Mental reboot?
Monday, February 13, 2012
Sweet Relief
Okay, so it's on. I asked JD and he was cool with connecting on Lose It. I like the app a lot. I'm so used to having to go through hell on the WW site and with Fitday and My Fitness Pal - this Lose It! site is so so so much easier to me....and, okay, it's cuter. I am a fan.
Fitness and nutrition aside, I've been learning a lot since the start of this new year what with my mom going through her ordeal and my routine, finances and lifestyle needing to stretch a little wider to provide for her and her business along with my own. I've had opportunities to get upset and frustrated with a whole bunch of things, from negligent hospital practices to odd family squatters hanging out at mom's while she isn't doing so.
I've had bouts of anger, despair, frustration and the bad (REALLY bad) dreams that come from taking on too much and stressing myself out. It had gotten to where I was complaining about everyone and everything adverse to whoever would listen to me - and it wouldn't take a whole lot for me to resort to cussing and freaking. Like, I am not used to so much going wrong to such dire ends. I am not used to trying to breathe while buried under heaps of woe. Once upon a time I could and did...but I've done so much to improve my life and my outlook and my situation that all of these feelings are such a nuisance to me now. I really hate them.
And then something happened. I was at this peak of irritation to where I wanted to shout for so many reasons and shake the stupid out of people who keep making these tough times even tougher than necessary...and then I just wasn't angry anymore. Just as I was running out of all that emotion, as the numbness took over, I was getting back to my homework...picking up a book about the Jewish philosopher Hillel and reading things he'd written, spoken or stood for...and I felt my heart again. I softened.
I read things he said or did to people who wronged him or who, more importantly, wronged God and I realized I still have that sense for kindness inside of me. I hadn't become so embittered that I couldn't somehow be honest in telling people what I am feeling without telling them off. I realized I could formulate words to go with my emotions that wouldn't be striking someone else down (even if you'd agree they'd deserve it.) And I decided to write letters to the people who I'm feeling wronged by. I began writing in my head what I'd want them to say and by doing so I felt myself forgiving them.
That happened some of Saturday and some of yesterday and today...I feel so much lighter. Nothing's better. Nobody else is any different, just me. But, I feel like things are going to be okay where I really didn't know WHAT to believe as of last Friday.
So, I'm grateful to my studies for giving me that little reminder of who I am despite all of these things that could add up to crush me. I'm good. And I'm happier being good to people than I am saying shit about them and wrecking their lives just because I feel like shit within mine. Knowing that has been a freeing, freeing thought.
"That which you hate, don't do to others. That is the entire Torah," Hillel told him.
Fitness and nutrition aside, I've been learning a lot since the start of this new year what with my mom going through her ordeal and my routine, finances and lifestyle needing to stretch a little wider to provide for her and her business along with my own. I've had opportunities to get upset and frustrated with a whole bunch of things, from negligent hospital practices to odd family squatters hanging out at mom's while she isn't doing so.
I've had bouts of anger, despair, frustration and the bad (REALLY bad) dreams that come from taking on too much and stressing myself out. It had gotten to where I was complaining about everyone and everything adverse to whoever would listen to me - and it wouldn't take a whole lot for me to resort to cussing and freaking. Like, I am not used to so much going wrong to such dire ends. I am not used to trying to breathe while buried under heaps of woe. Once upon a time I could and did...but I've done so much to improve my life and my outlook and my situation that all of these feelings are such a nuisance to me now. I really hate them.
And then something happened. I was at this peak of irritation to where I wanted to shout for so many reasons and shake the stupid out of people who keep making these tough times even tougher than necessary...and then I just wasn't angry anymore. Just as I was running out of all that emotion, as the numbness took over, I was getting back to my homework...picking up a book about the Jewish philosopher Hillel and reading things he'd written, spoken or stood for...and I felt my heart again. I softened.
I read things he said or did to people who wronged him or who, more importantly, wronged God and I realized I still have that sense for kindness inside of me. I hadn't become so embittered that I couldn't somehow be honest in telling people what I am feeling without telling them off. I realized I could formulate words to go with my emotions that wouldn't be striking someone else down (even if you'd agree they'd deserve it.) And I decided to write letters to the people who I'm feeling wronged by. I began writing in my head what I'd want them to say and by doing so I felt myself forgiving them.
That happened some of Saturday and some of yesterday and today...I feel so much lighter. Nothing's better. Nobody else is any different, just me. But, I feel like things are going to be okay where I really didn't know WHAT to believe as of last Friday.
So, I'm grateful to my studies for giving me that little reminder of who I am despite all of these things that could add up to crush me. I'm good. And I'm happier being good to people than I am saying shit about them and wrecking their lives just because I feel like shit within mine. Knowing that has been a freeing, freeing thought.
"That which you hate, don't do to others. That is the entire Torah," Hillel told him.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
The Nicest Things
They say these come to those who wait, but I'm here to tell you waiting has had nothing to do with the niceness that has come to me since starting this blog. To say I'm touched by the connections I am making is an understatement.
Today, a friend let me know he reads this thing and has been inspired to keep working hard for his own health and safety. I think that's such a sacred thing to tell me and to share with me. I'm over the moon. :) Thank you, JD!
JD also told me of an app he's using to food log and track weight loss. I've tried FitDay and a few other apps - I've even maintained a Weight Watchers online membership just to use the points logging feature - and failed miserably because I'll track well for a while then procrastinate until I forget to bother.
I've even dragged my friend Kelly into using a tracker online with me and we both waffled, although she stayed pretty true to using it better than I did.
Anyway, I asked JD if he'd like to be my friend on this new-to-me app called Lose It! I kind of think that it's a good idea because I'm a bit better about doing things I've got to have accountability for. I CAN waffle and fade out of doing things like that, though, so I have to approach using the app with a sense of realism....STILL....I've hit that reset button with the low carb lifestyle, I'm in touch with a group of other people doing the same thing via my nutritionist, Ivana, and I believe that I would treat JD differently than I would Kelly. Let me tell you why.
Kelly and I are close. JD and I are friendly and I would say mutually courteous and compassionate, and close enough to be encouraging. We are not close enough to forgive each other/ignore that something is missing if one of us is not showing up to food log or if communication about the weight loss stops. We're not close enough to use each other as an excuse to fudge a little. With Kelly, I have a buddy, but I also have a partner in crime. I have that in my husband, too. If one of us goes astray on the meal plan, the other does, too. (Kelly's a bit better at not doing that than Rob and I are!)
I don't have that too-close comfort in my friendship with JD - and I don't think I'd like to. So, yeah, I've asked him if he'd like to be friends via the app and basically just kind of be there for each other to add weight to each of us having accountability - instead of adding weight to ourselves.
I think it's worth a shot. I have learned that it helps if I pay attention to my handicaps. Sorry, Kelly! I'm sure I will still drag Kel into my next food logging attempt even if JD says yes. Then we can all benefit.
And I've made a starter goal in order to be on the right track with my low carb lifestyle again: eat low carb breakfasts, which includes at least one serving o' veggies every time.
And away we go.
Today, a friend let me know he reads this thing and has been inspired to keep working hard for his own health and safety. I think that's such a sacred thing to tell me and to share with me. I'm over the moon. :) Thank you, JD!
JD also told me of an app he's using to food log and track weight loss. I've tried FitDay and a few other apps - I've even maintained a Weight Watchers online membership just to use the points logging feature - and failed miserably because I'll track well for a while then procrastinate until I forget to bother.
I've even dragged my friend Kelly into using a tracker online with me and we both waffled, although she stayed pretty true to using it better than I did.
Anyway, I asked JD if he'd like to be my friend on this new-to-me app called Lose It! I kind of think that it's a good idea because I'm a bit better about doing things I've got to have accountability for. I CAN waffle and fade out of doing things like that, though, so I have to approach using the app with a sense of realism....STILL....I've hit that reset button with the low carb lifestyle, I'm in touch with a group of other people doing the same thing via my nutritionist, Ivana, and I believe that I would treat JD differently than I would Kelly. Let me tell you why.
Kelly and I are close. JD and I are friendly and I would say mutually courteous and compassionate, and close enough to be encouraging. We are not close enough to forgive each other/ignore that something is missing if one of us is not showing up to food log or if communication about the weight loss stops. We're not close enough to use each other as an excuse to fudge a little. With Kelly, I have a buddy, but I also have a partner in crime. I have that in my husband, too. If one of us goes astray on the meal plan, the other does, too. (Kelly's a bit better at not doing that than Rob and I are!)
I don't have that too-close comfort in my friendship with JD - and I don't think I'd like to. So, yeah, I've asked him if he'd like to be friends via the app and basically just kind of be there for each other to add weight to each of us having accountability - instead of adding weight to ourselves.
I think it's worth a shot. I have learned that it helps if I pay attention to my handicaps. Sorry, Kelly! I'm sure I will still drag Kel into my next food logging attempt even if JD says yes. Then we can all benefit.
And I've made a starter goal in order to be on the right track with my low carb lifestyle again: eat low carb breakfasts, which includes at least one serving o' veggies every time.
And away we go.
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