Follow-through: A sign of progress...

I have stocked the fridge with "go-to" foods so there is no reason to cruise out of here any morning for at least a week without bringing something breakfast-like along. I think my favorite so far is the butternut squash and pumpkin casserole I had a little of for lunch today. It is so good!

And so, already I've found that I want to zoom ahead and get stuff done, like be a size 8 by tomorrow; however, I know that kind of mentality isn't going to help me. That gung-ho woman at the start of this blog? She's not good for real results over a long period of time. I'm slowing down. I'm being more conscious. I'm making room for things I must.

It never ceases to amaze me that the world works in your favor when you choose a healthy option for your life. For instance, I decided this slow and steady approach to weight loss (pick a habit, make it my bitch, pick a new habit and so on) and along comes Suzanne, who I have followed for quite a while on twitter, and with a tweet that introduces me to Christine Hohlbaum, whose book is about finding ways to make change more like a permanent thing. So, yes, I am buying her book and yes, I am going to get in touch with her.

I am so going to take this introduction as proof of my readiness to employ this approach. I hope I don't bore you with my slug-like movement.

AccountableMe

I'm making all sorts of decisions to secure a nicer day-to-day lifestyle for me and my family and part of that includes being more and more accountable to myself about diet and exercise.

I thought by letting go of two jobs I would be giving myself more time to get stuff done that I care about, like taking care of me, but guess what? Every ounce of that time I tried to give myself suddenly became filled with a bunch of other things. I'm not crying "victim" because I brought this on myself and I'm learning how to do things differently...so no harshness, just observation.

But, okay, I was with Ivana 2 weeks ago and we're due to meet again on Tuesday next. While with her, I made two important goals:

1) let go of my paper writing job
2) make breakfast at home and take it along (instead of getting drive thru junk).

The first was THE hardest thing I've had to do in a very long time, but I did it. And I've done what I can to make bringing breakfast from home an easier thing to do every day, too... like making an egg bake ahead of time and scrambling sausage with veggies and storing it in the fridge. i plan on making a "mash" from a recipe that calls for butternut squash and pumpkin, and i'm gonna steam asparagus, wrap individual wands in prosciutto and use those for snacks or an occasional breakfast. so, there you have 'em: plans.

I've decided small steps are best because I keep taking on too much at once and then I stall or give out or something happens to disrupt my routine and I lose momentum. I lose that "discipline" feeling that I see and admire of my father-in-law's daily do list. So, here's to change that I can manage well. Thanks, Ivana. :)

Down a Pound!

And I'm just about to "break a ten" - what I say when I bust through a tens spot on the scale and move down in weight (hopefully to never see those higher numbers again!) I hope to have broken it by next week. That will be stellar. STELLAR, I say. Do people still use "stellar"? Maybe I'm a dork.

Reduce, Reuse, ReTreadmill

So, I've significantly reduced the amount of work I do in a day. I want to make sure my decision gets the respect it deserves by making the time I've earned count for something. So, I had to ask myself what I want...and the answer was discipline.

My father-in-law is a retired U.S. Major. He's happy and motivated by taking care of himself. His routine is so established that it is predictable down to the orange juice he has to have with breakfast and the cup of soup he enjoys with every lunch. He exercises daily. He sets out to do things and completes them. He doesn't take on things he doesn't feel he can commit to. I believe he is a good example of personal success because he is happy and comfortable with his self-care, and he can do it in a way that serves others but that doesn't compromise his happiness and comfort.

His way of doing things has been on my mind because I'd like to achieve some of the same things he has - especially the personal commitment to taking care of myself.

As you know, I've made some immediate changes in order to treat myself (and others!) better, be less hard on myself, less taxing on someone else...so I feel I am on my way.

This morning, I woke with the idea that I would make a list of things I want to be disciplined about. I even went to Google for others' examples of living a life of discipline - and wow, I am glad I did!

I found this site written by a Zen practitioner to be really helpful. At first, I wanted to argue that discipline is no illusion - I see my dad in law stick to it. I see others around me, like Jay at work, stick to it...and I want to, too.

After reading the "discipline is an illusion" post, I had to admit the content makes sense. Not only that, but it makes 'discipline' accessible and lends to the appearance of PROBABLE, should I go ahead and apply the principles of discipline I admire so much of others in the controlled environment the zen piece describes.

Ultimately, I know the decision and the exertion is mine alone. I know that nobody wakes my father-in-law up and tells him to exercise today. Nobody shakes Jay out of bed and says he has to pray and spend the day celebrating everyone he meets. But they do it. Because they want to.

It feels right to think about what I want to do...and that zen-writer piece seems like a good reference to use again and again until I do feel disciplined. To me, there is admirable strength in making healthy choices for oneself...and I, of course, want to live admirably.

So, I'm going to think about this and jot down wants for myself until I can form a list that I'm happy with and eager to go ahead with. And I'm going to meet Barb at the gym today, as planned, because I really like to be there and I really like her company and I really like the feeling I get when I've accomplished that hour of self-care.

One down...a billion to go!

I stayed on course and swerved to go to the gym today instead of coming straight home. This was progress. If it's the only thing I do the entire day that feels like progress, then it was. I'm so glad I did it. I hesitate to call myself "Back on Track" so I'll just say yay a tiny bit. I need a tiny yay right now. :)

Square One.

Hello, square one. It's poo to see you again, but here we are. I've been feeling lost and kind of alone with this weight loss stuff lately...and I've lost focus on diet and exercise and I've lost the ambition to get up and go, go, go.

Part of this comes from the changes I've had to make outside of any personal weight loss or gain. Maybe all of it does. All I know is that this weekend, I spent most of my time staring at the fridge, unable to figure out what to make or eat. I barely had anything. I let the treadmill be a clothesline. (Insert heavy sigh and sagging shoulders here!)

I let go of routine prayer in favor of sleep.

I still have hope inside of me. I am not completely desolate! I'm just having a rough couple of days following a major and difficult decision to let go of a job I love, but am no longer good at doing. I'm too busy for it. I'm not committed to it like I once was. I wasn't being a good partner and, as much as it hurt to recognize it, I had to let it go.

That's two jobs I've decided to let go of. And even though I know my decision was the right one, it was a tough one, and I've had a post-breakup weekend like you wouldn't believe. I even skipped a bunch of meals and then ate a slice of cake. I did! Not proud, just being honest about it.

I know I'm up a few pounds because I feel differently when I get out of bed it's more like a lethargy takes over than a spring from the mattress ready to rock these days. I feel differently in my skin - the way a woman does when PMS is settling in - and uncomfortable and everything.

I told myself to get back to square one today. What is it about square one that makes you feel completely stupid? It is as if everything I've learned and know how to do has been lost and now we are starting over....even if that's not true. I know a lot and can do a lot. So, I guess I just have to find that nut of knowledge I've been keeping somewhere and crack it open again.

Find-a-Friend

Part of what makes this journey so tough for me is that I don't know too many other people going through it. I do read blogs and often find strangers inspiring, but no one in my immediate life is doing what I'm doing. I have one friend who is exercising and doing really well, but due to budget we can't work out together. I have another who is willing to walk or run with me, but I have to get where I can manage to do so (my time management is horrible right now). ALL THE BUTS IN THE WORLD!!!

I've told Ivana, my nutrition coach, and David, my belief detective, that I'm feeling this loneliness despite getting to blog because I'm kind of in this boat by myself and because I am a highly social person when it comes to this kind of stuff, I think it will help to have a buddy. or buddies. Like a Weight Watchers support group? I like feedback and learning and exchanging ideas and stuff. I was supposed to have a support group with Yourishment but none of the ladies besides me continued past day one - this is a TOUGH diet to manage...so I don't blame them for deciding not to do it...but I am alone.

So, David hooked me up with this link that has people on all kinds of diets and there is bound to be someone like me or who is doing the same kind of work I'm doing - or even better, someone who HAS done the work I'm doing - and maybe I can get some pointers or learn menu ideas or ways to create exercise routines around my NUTTY schedule....just...all of it. I'm going to try it out and see where it leads. Just sayin!

Internal Reboot

I don't care what anybody says, changing my diet has been a tremendous event - and a tumultuous one! One week I am up, the next I am down... and in some weeks I am up and down emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually - ALL OF IT!

This week has been one of those mixed varieties where I feel good about having sought relationships with the people who are knowledgeable and can support my weight loss and my changes in a positive way and I feel bad about eating poorly: not really eating on time, skipping meals, eating high calorie foods in a hurry to replenish me because I've skipped eating too much....and not really exercising.

To be fair, I've had some really emotional weeks of changing my life around: finding help for mom, taking care of my home, my family, realizing the impact of how spread out I am and how much it affects how I feel about myself...and that when I do that, I am disappointing others who depend on me. I have come to realize my way of doing too many things really bites it.

So, I've been paring back here and there to narrow my focus on what I feel I am supposed to do most: to minister with love and humility to a wider audience than I am currently keeping. I hope that I do so via radio, but I've yet to see how it will come to pass. What I know is that I have to set my path on that ministry goal and be ON it - and I have to set my mind on spending REAL time with my family doing the things we've been saying we'll do and never getting around to it.

I have had to ask myself, "Who is this Wendy of incompleteness and why is she in my life?" Because I'm a lot better than that. Thanks to my coaches in nutrition, physical exercise and mental balance, I've got a clearer picture of the Wendy I need to be. She has been lost...or maybe she has not even had the chance to be in existence.... but it's time she was.

I'm sure I will have good days and bad days, up and down weeks, and all kinds of distraction to keep me thinking, but I hope to remember that I've taken a stand for humility and that is why I'm here.

So, I've let go of things I can't commit to properly and I am humbly carrying on toward my goals of health, family and ministry - even though it makes me cry and is hard to accept.

I have to get the weight off.

Feelin like a Dog

The one thing I find it tough to do now that I'm not including simple carbs and sugar in my diet is: have an appetite. And, according to my food charting, I am not eating enough calories. Even my food chart calculator thing (I use an online one) gives me warnings of not eating enough calories and therefore storing fat rather than burning it. So, I may have to set a timer and start planning for food on a schedule like we set for infants. I don't pick at food. I don't go "bored food hunting." I don't have giant cravings I can't control. I don't stay hungry after I eat something.

I still get hungry, just not as frequently nor as close to whenever it was I ate last. So, the carbs-cutting has helped to regulate that "hungry for no reason" thing that used to set off quite a bit, but it's also kicked away the mechanism that says "feed yourself" to where I don't even think to eat until I'm monster hungry...hours and hours later. That's not good for working my metabolism and I'm not losing any weight. I have even gained a pound and my diet isn't ugly!

I met with Ivana yesterday and she looked at my food log and said "You're not eating enough calories." and I thought to myself, "So my electronic calorie counter keeps yelling at me."

So... I have to find ways of eating more often even if I'm not particularly hungry. And I guess that will make it so that I am never monster hungry? And things will stay in balance. IN A PERFECT WORLD, right? :D

Exercise will definitely help with my metabolism, so I am depending on that a little.. but I may have to set reminders in my phone to beep when it's time to eat. How Pavlovian.

The stamina. The appetite. The wonder of it all....

Here is what I've noticed now that sugar and simple carbs are mostly eliminated from my diet: my appetite still grows, but it doesn't turn me into a grizzly bear and it doesn't get so huge that I have to hurry up and eat something. this means:

I can stay away from drive thrus if only I will adjust my life schedule and take better care of my needs when the day begins. That's something I am working on. I have a tendency to make my daughter's lunch and even make my husband's lunch, but I'll skip having breakfast and skip packing anything for myself to eat before I leave for work. I have prayer time for myself and I make myself a travel mug of tea, but then I am out the door - already planning a drive thru purchase of a breakfast mc-something or BK egg-item.

Drive thru breakfast is not helping me lose any weight so, I've decided (as of yesterday) to wake up a half hour earlier than I normally would and eat breakfast and pack a snack to take to work. I like having lunch at home, so I will continue to do so.

Now, as for stamina. It could be the 17 pounds gone or it could be the things I don't eat any more, but let me tell you... I have BARELY exercised since beginning this program. I make it to my Barb days, but I have skipped every other night or day of working out. Fortunately, I expected to go through some of that behavior. I'd read up on this food changing existence before going into it and Dr. Eades warns that exercise goes kind of by the wayside for a while. ...but then it picks up again. I think I am in the picking up again phase now. Barb is really good at kicking my butt AND keeping my head on AND keeping my goals in mind.

I feel like I have gained clarity by eating this way - can you believe it? I am able to get more accomplished. I think more clearly. I function more thoroughly, too.

The most fun I am having with this is that I get to make new recipes. I'm going to share some with you next time I post...and squee about a food processor that I bought myself. I realize this makes me kind of a kitchen nerd...but, I'm totally excited.

Exercise resumes tonight. I've no idea whether Hopper will get on the T-mill with me this evening, but I'll do my 30 minutes. I feel relieved getting back on track with exercise. Here we go again!

So, the sugar seminar.

The Case Against Sugar was an interesting couple of hours. Guest speaker Gary Taubes brought his power point talking points and shared his knowledge from having spent years researching the loaded question of whether sugar is a toxin for the body or not.

In case studies, results are inconclusive; however, Taubes says that a majority of these case studies are at the behest of and financially supported by the very companies who wouldn't want the world to discover that sugar is as dangerous as it is - companies like Coca-Cola who use sugar and sugar substitutes like chemically-engineered fructose in their products. Interesting, that.

I haven't done the research and I can honestly say I might never try and crunch any numbers. I may not even go whole hog, as they call it, and lynch the soft drink companies who grant money for these reportedly "fixed" results and lobby money into the American government to keep the industry thriving.

What I can say is that, aside from the time-consuming study, it doesn't take a genius to understand that each of our bodies, as God-made as we are, is capable of having its own tolerances and allergies, apart from our human sameness. Some people can't eat peanuts. If they do, they will break out in hives, asphyxiate and, if left untreated, die. Some people can't process animal milk enzymes. They get severe stomach pain and it digests into the you don't want to know whats. Sometimes, they need to be hospitalized because the pain is excruciating.

So, who's to say Taubes isn't right that sugar is poison to people? Is it poison for ALL people? I couldn't tell you - and I probably couldn't know. But, I can agree that sugar kills. Folks with diabetes type II can blame sugar for their illness. There are endocrine specialists who will tell you that some people just cannot process sugar and maintain optimal health.

I believe I am one of them. I've not been a sweets person much - not a cupcake and cookie eater, not a candy sneak, none of that. I have filled up on simple carbohydrates that very quickly break down into simple sugars and enter my blood stream before digestion even has much of a chance to work. It works that way in your body, too, you see...but, in my body, the surge taxes my liver and sends distress calls to my pancreas and my kidneys (already so tired) get like "oh, no, not you again." and then my body shuts down. I get tired. I get lazy. I get sluggish. I can't continue without a nap.

I am already dealing with hypothyroidism...so adding sugar is like signing up for sleep camp. While other kids will be ready for a good time of fire songs and day hikes, I'll be snoring and very difficult to wake.

So, I do believe Taubes when he traces a disease to its cause and it just so happens to be sugar, or simple carbs, is the X factor. I had an interesting time.

Next post, I'll talk with you about stamina and stuff.