You already know that I'm changing my life. My efforts derailed while my mom was in the hospital and I'm still not where I was before mom died...in terms of mindset, ambition and discipline. I'm getting there. I'm getting myself there.
What stings like the tip of a needle is a realization that, at the loss of my parent, no matter how sucky or frustrating she was at times, I am alone to do what things I need to do for my body and mind and spirit. It's difficult to loosen apron strings to someone whose life presence was a touchstone for my own. Sometimes I want to tie them tighter yet. I want my Mommy.
There's an identity I've come to know while being her kid - a team-like feel I've held through the hell of weight gain, shredded self esteem, and rising phoenix-like from ashes to bask in joy-filled success. It's what we do, we humans. We are made to.
Having my head cheerleader mom to stick around through all of my stuff was precious to me. Having to be her head cheerleader was a hideous burden to me. One day I may appreciate that I could be. Right now, I feel the unfairness of being left alone and a responsibility to myself to kick out of the ashes knowing she isn't watching me. Or if she is, I won't get her feedback. The world around us won't receive her emails telling of my good deed or whatever.
I'd consider my feelings selfish if I didn't recognize this as a deeply childlike need of mine to have my mother. I'd even suck it up and cheer lead back to have her in my world.
I don't post a ton because I am drifting day-to-day...meanwhile setting myself up for success by hosting specialty groups via @meetup and working with a local media group to secure my intention to get back to weight loss work. I'm finding ways to cheer lead my own life. I don't like it as much...but I, being so accustomed to the "My Wen" of her voice and the bazillion email responses she forwards from friends telling her she has a great kid, I need to have that.
I considered being ashamed (only for a second). I'm not ashamed. I love attention and sharing everything I can. So, I'm going to. And I hope my mom can see. And I hope I get a "My Wen" whenever we meet up. Just the facts, Jack.
