I've been happy and I thought you should know. Missing my mom is a daily occurrence, mostly while driving or late at night or while blog posting...and I am still so sorry she and I were unhealthy together, unhealthy for each other, unhelpful with the whatever it took to make changes for the better for us both.
My mom must be with me, feeling what I feel, because my ability to help myself has increased and gotten so much stronger in her absence. My ability to know when I need help outside of myself, not in an "I want someone else to do this for me!" way (and I totally did behave that way in the past) but in an "I want to do this and can use help!" way. A slight tweak of perspective and intention changes everything.
I do pray for the change I want to happen with my body - but I no longer pray for the will power to resist certain foods. I don't pray for the way my brain works to be different. I don't pray for my behavior to stop.
I pray for wisdom for a safe and healthy me, friends, family, community, world. That's all.
Today I take responsibility for my behavior and I love my brain and body. I love them because I understand how they work and, more importantly, how to work WITH them. I can use the example of a dysfunctional family, I guess. When people live in a dysfunctional family they learn to live the best they can within that funky dynamic. Some people even come out better, healthier for it.
I know my brain is going to wig out over certain things. I know my body's going to have difficulty some things I really wish it didn't. And I know that I can find ways to make health and vigor fun for both of them. That's the trick for me: fun. Well, fun or accomplishment. If it isn't fun, if it doesn't make me feel like "total win," I don't want to do it.
So, I make all the shit I don't want to do fun and full of accomplishment AND IT'S WORKING.
I used to ride on the praise of others...now I ride on my own cleverness and ability to get stuff done that I would normally get overwhelmed by and just ignore or hide from...or want someone else to do.
Am I losing weight? I haven't weighed myself to tell you. I'm still wearing smaller clothes and haven't broken their seams - so my guess is so far, so good.
