Since I've been gone....
My mom's health has declined significantly. I am doing my best to work with doctors, nurses, clergy and others to somehow encourage her to try. She has a window of opportunity to choose to thrive or just exist in the state she is in now for her remaining years. months. weeks.
My cat has died. And as hard as it was to watch Crackers pass away, I'm glad we were home with him and tended to him. His death was heartbreaking, tender.
My big dog has survived major surgery. Simon doesn't know it, but he's probably the biggest light in our year so far - having made it through a very very complicated surgery. He still has some complications, but we're giving him love.
My littler dog has a bowel problem that may indicate a mass, but vets are cautious in diagnosing just yet (maybe because we have already been through so much?)
My mom's business has continued; though its financial situation is still a mystery. I am hoping to secure a lawyer who will help us figure that out.
My mom's personal bills keep coming in and one by one I'm doing what I can to pay them off with her minor income and my own paychecks. At times I have to use savings to make sure bigger things are taken care of, like homeowners insurance and stuff.
What am I doing for me...
Well, I am not dieting. I've gone back to a carbs-heavy, fast-food lifestyle. I am not "as bad" as I used to be, being more conscious of what I am doing every time I order at the drive thru and every time I shove carbs in my mouth....but I am still doing it and I know I am addicted to them. I want to go back to not eating them so heavily and readily, and go back to preparing meals more regularly for myself and my family, too.
I am not going to the gym. If you ate as many carbs as an addict as I have, you wouldn't be able to either. I sleep midday instead. I crash and I sleep.
I've made attempts to change back to the lots of greens, protein & high fats way of living, and I keep on trying to....and rushing through life, trying to handle too much gets me grabbing for what's easy: fast, processed crap.
But my mind knows this is not ok. My body doesn't FEEL good doing it. I can feel pounds adding back on - to my legs especially.
I'm not doing my homework - or wasn't - because I hadn't the energy or will to get it done.
Drastic times, drastic measures.
This is a fight. For my life.
So, I've asked for some time off from work - reduced a couple of days a week - to get myself "on track" however I can. I will begin with homework and cooking meals at home that I can bring with me to and from work and stuff - having food ready to heat and eat is what made me so successful prior to mid-January.
Small goals are what work for me, so if I can manage to get dinners to be carb-free (have been doing all this week) I will move on to fixing breakfasts. I know that once I've got this shit out of my system I will have no problem exercising.
Beginning again sucks. But the alternative is to be in bed like my mother.
