That was one heck of a week - and it was only a half week of work! As you know, I came to terms inside regarding my mother...realizing there isn't anything I can do to make her choose positive, health-beneficial foods and activities (whatever she can do) even if I go up to her house and start ruling the roost.
I have a loving friend who shared her own experience of watching her father fall apart before her eyes and was able to tell that to me, with more detail, and also what she learned in that time about his care and her own self-care. Without breaking confidence, I can tell you that she understood me in just the way I needed last week and through her experience I was able to acknowledge just how much I can't let myself be so optimally responsible for my mother. As much as it kills me to watch her disappear, I can't be the who or what that changes her life. Only she can. And when she's ready, she has the help right there in her house: the cousin to cook, the friends to keep her company, family to visit, nurses to watch her health, a physical therapist to get her moving and a dietitian to lord over her menu...and on Friday, I put the word out to my spiritual community at school that I would like to hire someone else.
My mom's pastor has moved out of state and, while I can't be my mom's pastor, I do have friends who can counsel very lovingly and whose mission it is to help older adults in her position. They have patience where I do not. They have the ability to maintain boundaries, which I obviously have to work on. They're also working to become ordained and would not necessarily charge a fee, but I said I would contribute via donation in thanks for the help.
So, four people have responded and if all goes well, I will have given my mom a gift of someone to talk to who won't pressure her the way I do and who might be a good listener and be encouraging - all things I can do for my friends, but not for my mother.
I love laughing with my mom and just shooting the breeze, but when it comes to her inner and outer turmoil, I take on her stress and I do not respond well. Maybe it's due to having lived in an explosive family together that I act this way?
But, the boundary thing... I am working on the boundary thing. I met with Barb, my trainer, on Friday (I'm down two pounds!) and spent the hour we could have been using the treadmill and nautilus equipment and free weights just talking in her office...shedding tears about my mom and my anger and listening to Barb's observation that I have a problem setting boundaries and doing for me what I do for other people. She told me I need to be more self-FULL (not to be confused with selfISH) and...while I have to figure out how to BE that, I can see there is value to it in the things she's said and what my friend said also.
Centering on self. I've often tried to do that and then gotten sidetracked...and I don't realize how not centered on myself I am until I'm stressed like I was the other day from being soooooo absorbed in other people's problems.
I have to figure out how to balance caring about my things while I'm busy caring about theirs.
On a fun note: By doing this low carbs thing I am reminded of how much I like to cook. I really, really like to cook. I get a kick out of this and I'm making such good recipes. And I am going to host a dinner party soon. Watch!
P.S. Thank you, my unconditional friend, for your wisdom and the peek into your world's window last week. I am better for having experienced that.
