If you follow my sporadic blog postings then you know my mom is very ill. I have wrestled with my feelings about her decline in health. A few months ago, I came to the uninspiring conclusion that I have to lower my expectations of my mom. Her ability to change her situation still has a small window; however, she controls her life, not me. And while I'm busy fretting over her life, I am forgetting mine...and how quickly and easily I could be in assisted living if I don't change my own situation.
It's a lot easier to support someone I love than it is to support myself. Why? Because I don't have to do the work. I can be all the great things I like about myself: smart, caring, thoughtful, full of ideas, fun, helpful, a good listener, ready with a shoulder rub or a back rub or a pep talk on those not-so-great days...and I still don't have to do any of the actual work. All the reward, none of the honest-to-God effort.
Do I want to gyp myself? To do so will mean a hospital bed and three people helping me get out of it just to use the commode. Or worse: staying in bed to soil it because I don't have the energy to push the call button let alone get up.
This is a reality, a probability. The proof is my own mom. I am not so far from being where she is, really. The difference between where she is and where I am is only a matter of years.
I've wanted her to change that for herself so much I was willing to do it FOR her. So what's my deal? Can I micromanage serious life change for my mom...but not for me?
The more I listen to my mom talk about her new world of assisted living, the more urgently I want to care about myself. That's why I am in counseling. That's why I pay attention to my habits. That's why I keep equipping myself with ways to change what I'm doing and how I'm being and feeling and align myself with people who make health their own priority and others whose example or presence makes me want to be even more accountable.
I am micromanaging serious life change for myself now. I can't do my mom's work, and that breaks my heart, but I can do mine....and that could very well save it.
