The Deniaaalllll.....!

Why so much denial?

This question has been rolling around with me for a while and tonight it won't let me sleep a wink. Could have to do with my mom called and I listened to over an hour of woe because she's very, very, very overweight and her life is in immediate danger and she knows it.

She has congestive heart failure. She has diabetes. She's on the mend from surgery to remove uterine cancer. She has weak lungs. She has asthma. Her feet swell. She can hardly walk. She's not sleeping right. She's emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted. She's getting sickly and is staying in bed more. She doesn't know what to do to get stronger again.

I may not have all the complications my mother has, but I have been in that state - that "I know I need to do something, but I have no idea what" mindset where you clearly DO know what steps you must take, but you resist taking them....for reasons like: stubbornness, rebellion, aversion to the loss of control, fear of being out of control, dislike of having to change your behaviors, dislike of having to eat things you don't like and stay away from things you do like, dislike for your body because it doesn't process foodstuff that way other peoples' bodies do, the natural resistance buildup you get from physical fatigue, the feeling that you're in a cyclical spin you can't fight your way out of.

There are LOTS of reasons to deny yourself of health and well-being. There are LOTS of reasons to deny responsibility for your state. There are LOTS of reasons to deny that you need help. There are LOTS of reasons to deny that you have ultimate control or CAN do anything about anything at all.

I don't know if my mother is going to get any help or if she's as capable of helping herself as she wants to convince me; however, I know that I need help and I'm so glad I'm getting it.

I told my mom tonight that if I was that good at taking care of myself all by myself I wouldn't have a problem with my weight. The fact is, I cannot take care of myself properly and I must learn to. I'm not going to tell myself I do know how when it is painfully clear when I look in a mirror that I'd only be lying to myself.

I'm glad I have the gym to go to and the people there who are encouraging and helpful and who know a whole lot about fitness and what my body needs in order to perform, feel and look well. I'm glad I have this upcoming nutrition and wellness group to attend via Yourishment because I'm going to learn (what I thought I already knew) the accurate balance of foods my body needs in order to perform, feel and look well. It's not like I haven't been to a gym before or haven't seen a dietitian or nutrition expert in all my years...it's just that I know I have to start with forgetting everything I think I know and just...let the experts teach me what they know.

In this way, I am educating myself and also giving myself real freedom from all those strangely tempting reasons to deny that I can be well. Physically, emotionally and spiritually well.

Food log: Tuesday 8/9

Wake: 6:20 AM

7:20 AM/not hugely hungry

1/2 a bran muffin
1 med banana
2% milk

...you won't believe this, but I forgot to bring my snack with me to work. It was drudgery mid-morning.

11:00 AM/hungry
Pepsi One

...and I had a Doc appt. for 1:45 so lunch wasn't til almost 3.

Almost 3 PM/RAR!

Deli roast beef and American cheese on wheat bread with mayo. I was too lazy to bother building veggies into the sandwich. Water.

NAP: 3:30 PM to 6:ish PM

7:40 PM/impatiently hungry
1 wedge of Laughing Cow cheese & a snacky portion of sourdough pretzel nibblers. (this while I was already cooking dinner but was too impatient to wait the fifteen minutes or so.)

8:00 PM/could eat
Garden veggie pasta with chicken and pesto. Water.

10:00 PM/thirsty, craving caffeine really
Diet Pepsi Lime

Bed time is now... good night!