Elliptical-Machine, Elliptical-Machine, How Love-ly is your Mo-tion

Now, if I could just keep my godforsaken rhythm while I use the elliptical trainer, even heaven would be overjoyed.

Congratulations, me! I've graduated from the bowels of treadmill walking to doing some high stepping on the round-and-round pedaling machine. This means my knee can handle so much more than it could at the beginning of this year.

The work on the elliptical is going to be slow, but as assuredly as I have conquered speeds on the treadmill, I will one day claim victory with this exercise tool as well. It's just...that waiting part. You know? I'm terrible at having patience with some things.

Still 40 pounds (plus a little) down from top weight. Strength is a fun feeling. Want to know what doesn't feel fun at all? Massive abdominal spasms. That's right. You read it. I have to tell you what happened because it was the funniest thing...though not while it was happening.

I (stupidly) asked Barb to give me more abdominal work that I can do on Mondays, which are my non-Barb days at the gym. She readily agreed and after shooing me off the elliptical today, she told me to hunker down onto my butt, set my hands behind me, bend my knees and draw my legs up and in. Then I did another ab-focused exercise. Then another. Then another. And then I went to stand up!

My lower abdominals SEIZED. They SEIZED, I tell you! You don't even want to know the pain. So, I sat down and bent forward to stop the cramping up. The tension subsided there, but then my upper adbominals started contracting and freaking out. So, I had to stand up to get those to relax out of the contractions. But then my lower abdominals went right back into seizure 'cause I was upright. So, I sat down bent forward trying to make it stop. And so my upper abdominals cinched up.

Finally, I stood up and half-bent forward and STOOD there for a good, solid five minutes, talking to Barb, waiting for both sets of muscles to chill out.

That's what you get for letting your abs go. JUST LETTING YOU KNOW!

to HDL we go!

I have to make a new goal since preparing breakfast to avoid drive thru mornings has been achieved. I've liked making breakfast very much, too. It's pretty cool to come up with different things to keep from growing bored. I can sometimes eat the same thing day in, day out, but there are times when variety is the only thing to get me through.

I meet with Ivana tomorrow to first celebrate my 40 pound weight loss to date (since August 2011) and then to make new goals now that I'm doing the two I made a few weeks ago:

Go to the gym Mondays and Wednesdays.
Fix breakfast at home every day.


I've learned to make a number of quick breakfasts that are in accordance with the diet plan from Yourishment and I'm ready to tackle something that will improve my heart health: boosting HDL.

I've read and I've read and I've read about doing so and while exercise is a no-brainer, I want to do more to help my HDL levels go up. If I can get them up and more balanced with my lowered LDL levels, my heart (and arteries!) will be plenty happy.

Did you know that a lot of the reason why HDL is so important is so that our bodies aren't inflamed? Did you know that sugar (aka carbs aka "grains") and trans fats cause inflammation AND that inflammation is why we get an increase of your LDL - the bad cholesterol - level? I had no idea...but there you have it.

So we are walking around swollen and on fire from all the processed foods we consume. No wonder that feeling of being bloated never leaves!

My fitness goal is going to be to add a few more exercises to my Monday schedule because I mostly just hop on the treadmill and go.

My food goal is going to be to increase the amt of veggies I put away in a day. Very fit folks doing the same diet I am are eating up to 9 servings of veggies a day. I am at a shy 3 or 4. 9 seems hard to do, so I may start a little lower. I thought about breaking it in half and getting 4.5 in regularly...but I just realized I am already at 3 or 4. So maybe I will go for 6 a day.

The toughest part about this diet is that I can't just reach for a fruit to fill in my fiber needs - at least not yet. Once my body is more fit and I'm at a size that is good for my frame, I can reintroduce fruits very slowly. For now, though, I've got to make those 6 servings just, plain veggies.

Would you even believe I was someone who couldn't stand most vegetables? I had no idea I'd like as many as I do. It's really cool. :)

I feel like I'm up to the challenge...and we'll see how true that is.

Other ways to boost HDL are to increase Omega 3 in the diet - so I'll be poking around at eating fish - and a handful of nuts here or there can be good. So can alcohol. I am so so tempted to do that small glass of wine each day thing. I love wine. So many carbs, though.

Whatever, I'll figure it out with Ivana in the morning.

SO I WENT

Boarded a plane, and stopped in Philly, with a final destination of Boston. My uncle and aunt flooded my ears with opinions of who is good for mom and who isn't, who may be using her, who's bringing on the drama, who's a pretty good help and so on. I took it all into consideration and went to my mom's readied for battle - but not willing to shut down the shop that is mom care. I hoped I wouldn't have to.

While there, I did manage to get my mom to come downstairs for Thanksgiving dinner. I also managed to ostracize one of her boarders, pissed my cousin off, reduced one of her caretakers' hours, hired someone new to work overnights and hired a house cleaner.

Two boarders, grown men, and I hired a house cleaner. Yeah. Meanwhile, mom's willing to try when I'm present but, when I am gone again, it appears that she reverts to her fatigue and lack of want to do anything to push herself and get better.

Sadly, I know this inertia...and probably many people do. We all complain about things and convince ourselves of doing what's easiest or laziest or uses the least amount of energy instead of working hard.

I've found that we often work hard at things we enjoy doing and anything else gets low or no priority. When you work at what you enjoy, the time flies and you sort of have to stop yourself from continuing way beyond a time that is fair to the rest of your life.

I don't know what my mom can do to make caring about herself something she enjoys. For me, cooking helps me to enjoy the low carb lifestyle - cooking and the detective work it takes to deconstruct familiar and well-loved recipes to build a better version without the use of foods that hurt my body. The end result, every time, is that I love taking care of myself when I figure out some genius way to make something I know I can eat and love and will not stress my liver or pancreas or heart by eating.

I left mom's happy that I didn't fall off the wagon - not even for Thanksgiving - and I didn't feel bad or left out by not eating pie, carrot cake, mashed potatoes or gobs of stuffing. I had some turkey, green beans, gravy and a little cranberry sauce <- some carbs in there, but choices I could live with very very happily.

I left mom with a daily schedule of round the clock care and a mention that if she really doesn't choose to help herself, then hospital care or a move to Virginia is next. I WILL move her here if it appears that she needs 24 hour care for the rest of her life. She has a window of opportunity right now to change that need...and I hope she can find fun in it. I hope she can come out of this. I'm prepared for if she can't, though, and I'm sticking to my boundaries.... and taking care of me.

Now, if only I can make exercising fun. I may have to join a dance class. It's the only exercise I truly LOVE to do.

Selfish, Maybe

My house is full of crap. All of the upstairs is extra packed with stuff that has either come from the basement or accumulated because nobody cares and we are living like hoarders with little paths to our doors and not much else. I'm confined, hating it, cannot WAIT for the downstairs to be painted, get shelving, and to get shit done putting things back and sorting what's to give away and stuff.

I've got Thursday and Friday off and the basement is scheduled to be ready for all that redistribution I've been looking forward to for ALMOST A YEAR. Finally, there will be room to move, space to run around, breathe, smile, relax and enjoy my home. I can have people over again! I have Thursday and Friday to help organize where everything is going and has got to be - I'm the wife and the mom, it's what I do. I do that.

But, wait! I am also the daughter... I am technically the only child in a house that once had four and, by default, I am responsible for the care of my mother when everyone else is busy and/or is tired of doing it. I get it, and I am ok with loving my mother and being there for her. I'm a little upset that I have to be right NOW, with basement getting readiedness and two whole days to stay home and sort and organize things....two days to make my house the way I want it.

We were even going to skip Thanksgiving and just band together to get it done.

But, mom. And my uncles are maxed out taking care of her and their own needs. Her hired help is beginning to suck a whole lot and has a shitty attitude...and nobody seems to know whose job what is anymore. There needs to be someone to go there, sort people out, manage the care, stop the bickering and tell the grown-ass people who live off of her to get over themselves and contribute to making her house a positive environment or GTFO.

Guess who's job that is?

I can do it from here, but I can do it from there.

And if I go there, I have to neglect here. Sure, here can be done when I get back, but I won't have another two days off for it...in months. MONTHS. because I work 7 days a week. And don't think for a moment if I go up to my mom's I'll get a lot accomplished. There are too many control freaks in the equation and I am not her proxy.

I'm going to call her proxy, my cousin, tonight once I hear how mom's doc visit goes, and then I have to decide whether I have to skip this couple of days I've looked forward to for a year...or if I'll sort my house and go to Mannheim Steamroller after all.

I selfishly want to stay home.

I love my mother, though, more than I love my days off and Mannheim Steamroller...so I will be there if she needs me and that's the bottom line.

Down another 3 pounds, btw.

So Surprised, I Could Cry

I went for blood work Friday to see how I am doing on this EAT MORE FAT, EAT LESS CARBS lifestyle I've been messing with and oh, my gosh. I was stunned just to see the cover letter:

"Dear Wendy Edwards,

Your labs show your cholesterol is actually a little better than it was in the past. Your thyroid studies show your body is maintaining circulating thyroid by stimulating the gland more. Your B12 level is on the low side, so increasing foods that have B12 or taking a supplement would help."

That was from Dr. N.

....did that just say my CHOLESTEROL is BETTER?! I read the results. My cholesterol is at 179.

My HDL is 35 <<- a bit TOO low. I think that will improve with exercise.
My LDL is 109 <<-- not bad! not GREAT but much better than my brain anticipated, eating bacon and sausage and meaty things.
My Triglycerides are 177 <<-- According to the American Heart Association, this is slightly above normal.

Still. These numbers are shocking to my sense of what's realistic.

And my THYROID is stimulating itself a little more? For someone who's been diagnosed with hypothyroidism that is the BEST. NEWS. EVER. I'm completely thrilled.

I happen to think the high BP from the other day really was the cheesy potato rush, but I am going to continue to take the Lisonopril until I'm comfortable going without it.

Today, Barb increased my workout sets from two to three. NOT GOOD NEWS BECAUSE IT HURTS.

But, in all, this is very, very good news.

Say yay with me. :)

After the blood rush.

So, I went a little crazy last week and ate A PINT OF CHEESEY POTATOES from Belmont Barbecue. Yes, they're that good. It took me a few hours to do it, and I hadn't meant to eat it all, but I kept dipping in an dipping in until I finally accepted defeat and dumped the mash in a bowl and stuck a fork in it. I'd already had a little pork and a little brisket, which I MEANT to purchase for my lunch.

I got the potatoes because they were an offered side. So was coleslaw, but look which one I picked. And I felt rather guilty about the potato pint, and then I felt really frigging terrible.

I felt stuffed, first, but more importantly I felt tired and sickly and my head felt like it could have exploded. I could hear blood rushing my ears, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. I was queasy and unhappy and sent myself to bed.

I did debate making myself throw up - that's how bad it was and how much I wanted to make it stop - but the thought of that scared me enough not to.

I went to bed. I woke up, still lousy feeling, and had to go out for the night. I felt okay while I was out, but when I woke again the next morning I could tell the ramifications of pigging out on cheesy potatoes were not quite over with. And I had a doctor's appointment first thing.

I've had this fasting appointment scheduled for three months, so I didn't skip. I went in for the blood draw because I want to make sure I'm doing ok with this diet. Results are still pending for that; however, my blood pressure that morning was 160/104.

The nurse wasn't going to take my BP as there wasn't an order for it, but I told her what I did and how I was feeling so she went ahead. Then she said... "YOU are going to see the doctor today."

The doctor stopped in and we talked about cheesy potatoes and my normally low carbs lifestyle and I asked "can the sugar cause my blood pressure to spike?" and she said no, it's salt. So, okay, salt.

Then she put me on Lisonopril. I agreed to take it because I felt worse than hangover horrible and I've been on it for three days since...but I was still curious about the starch/sugar of the potatoes being the problem.

I called Ivana who said heck, yes, the starches can work that way and she recommended a chapter of a book I already have and gave me the name of a doctor to call who is familiar with this low carbs thing.

Then I hunted Google to understand, if I could, how starches can be the culprit. I found that it's possible, but I'm too tired to show you how. But you can look it up: Sodium IS what spikes the BP but insulin reaction causes the sodium release that spikes the BP. Interesting huh?

So, I'm hoping the BP will get and stay reasonable and I won't choose to eat a pint of anything heavy salt and heavy carbs again soon. or ever.

In better news, I've lost 6 more pounds as of today.

No weight lost this week..but my boobs are leaving me!

First: No gain this week and I'm happy to report that my mom has super help at home and seems like she's willing to put some effort into regaining strength and things. Yay, mom! :)

As for me, I've been okay. I've got a habit in place of going to the gym Wednesdays and have added Mondays to it. Remember the small steps/slow process thing? Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Snail's pace, but I want this stuff to last. No more burning myself out with all-in or all-out personality quirks.

Now, about my boobs.

I'm down in bra size. If you don't want to know about my boobs then stop reading this. If you do want the skinny, oh, my gosh: I'm losing my boobs. I'm NOT okay with this in the least because 1) I've had pretty great ones. 2) Just think of deflating a car tire. Yes, it's happening to me. I'm told that when this is all over it won't be as dramatic as it is right now. That had better be true! So, I took my deflating boobs to a shop yesterday to find a smaller sized bra (in hopes of defying gravity!) and was in complete shock to find that I not only lost TWO INCHES off my size, I went down a cup size, too.

Yay for the loss, right? You'd think, except I'm more like mourning the rack I didn't mind having. And now I have boring boobs to stare at in the mirror and nose-wrinkle at.

At the bra shop, I found a few that I liked, nothing fancy with lacy bits or anything. I like the straightforward t-shirt style ones that keep you up and feel comfortable and haven't got an underwire, just really good structure. But, they didn't have my size in those...they only had underwire types left. Desperate for a bra that fits, I walked away with a few of those...and they do make me look pretty great, but my boobs end up nearly under my chin somehow. WHYEE?!

I bought the bras because I was completely romanced by the notion of wearing ones that fit...but after wearing them at home, I really don't like how they fit at all. I don't like the material and I kind of HATE the underwire...so I am going back to the store with all bras in hand tomorrow to say "CREDIT, PLEASE."

Back to the loose-fitting ones 'til I try the other shop. And would people stop being my size please? I'd like to find some when I get there.

P.S. Dear God, please help my boobs look normal again soon. Or else. Love, Wendy

Life Sucks when your Mom is an Invalid..

...or nearly is. In the past two weeks I've gotten texts, emails and private messages warning me that my mom is very unhealthy and is not doing anything to help herself. I don't know if she has the energy, battling sickness, that she needs to help herself or if her will is broken. I am in the should I stay or should I go debate, with everyone telling me they will let me know if I should go up there. How do I stay put? I'm embarrassed for my mom. She's grown to a very huge size and, I'm told, hardly gets out of bed now.

She calls and talks to me like it's just another average day of going to the restroom and having popsicles because she's feeling dried out. She can hardly walk on her own but recently texted me to say she went without a walker, all by herself, from one place to another - progress!

It's hard to tell if there is progress or if she's really fighting a losing battle. Is she trying too little too late? Is she physically unABLE to help herself anymore? She won't go to a hospital nor will she accept that she needs REAL TRUE managed care and assistance. She has friends and family and people who are in her house to help, but they love her and they'll do for her what medical caretakers would not.

I called my mom recently and cried, simply cried, because I don't want her to die, especially like this: broken, alone, depressed, enormous, blistered, bored, lonely and immersed in what many of us would call personal hell. I cried and I told her I didn't want to lose her. I told her I didn't want her to die and I still need her and love her.

She said she's not going to die and she's tried to make me feel better..but I feel so hollow. I feel very, very hollow and afraid.

Weight Update

I can't believe it myself...but the numbers are what they are. Since beginning my program, I've lost 30 pounds. I know! I am going like this.