No weight lost this week..but my boobs are leaving me!

First: No gain this week and I'm happy to report that my mom has super help at home and seems like she's willing to put some effort into regaining strength and things. Yay, mom! :)

As for me, I've been okay. I've got a habit in place of going to the gym Wednesdays and have added Mondays to it. Remember the small steps/slow process thing? Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Snail's pace, but I want this stuff to last. No more burning myself out with all-in or all-out personality quirks.

Now, about my boobs.

I'm down in bra size. If you don't want to know about my boobs then stop reading this. If you do want the skinny, oh, my gosh: I'm losing my boobs. I'm NOT okay with this in the least because 1) I've had pretty great ones. 2) Just think of deflating a car tire. Yes, it's happening to me. I'm told that when this is all over it won't be as dramatic as it is right now. That had better be true! So, I took my deflating boobs to a shop yesterday to find a smaller sized bra (in hopes of defying gravity!) and was in complete shock to find that I not only lost TWO INCHES off my size, I went down a cup size, too.

Yay for the loss, right? You'd think, except I'm more like mourning the rack I didn't mind having. And now I have boring boobs to stare at in the mirror and nose-wrinkle at.

At the bra shop, I found a few that I liked, nothing fancy with lacy bits or anything. I like the straightforward t-shirt style ones that keep you up and feel comfortable and haven't got an underwire, just really good structure. But, they didn't have my size in those...they only had underwire types left. Desperate for a bra that fits, I walked away with a few of those...and they do make me look pretty great, but my boobs end up nearly under my chin somehow. WHYEE?!

I bought the bras because I was completely romanced by the notion of wearing ones that fit...but after wearing them at home, I really don't like how they fit at all. I don't like the material and I kind of HATE the underwire...so I am going back to the store with all bras in hand tomorrow to say "CREDIT, PLEASE."

Back to the loose-fitting ones 'til I try the other shop. And would people stop being my size please? I'd like to find some when I get there.

P.S. Dear God, please help my boobs look normal again soon. Or else. Love, Wendy

They are a-changing...

Good news: I haven't gained any weight (even with my non-food-logging weekend!) I didn't lose any either and that's ok.

Better News: My trainer Barb is back from her vacation so gym time was better than it is when I trudge it alone. It is great to see her and to hear what she has to say because I've got enough of a history of learning A&P from massage school and college to understand the physiology of what is happening with my body and I can isolate muscle groups mentally so when she's referring to something or asking me a question, we can both be pretty specific and that is nice.

I explained that I've been doing the mile in her absence and that I wanted to be ready to take on more today...but that I have gotten tired my last two times on the treadmill and had to split my mile up into halfs with rest in between. I couldn't explain why... but she was there to tap on my skull with the DUH hammer and asked, "have you increased your speed?"

Well...yes. I've been kicking the speed up as much as I can becauseIjustwanttogetthewalkoverwith - honest truth! My genius fitness instructor then said, "You're going to get tired earlier if you have your speed kicked up like that. SLOW DOWN."  I made faces. She's right, though, and I hadn't even thought of that as a reason. I like to think I have a rational mind and could have worked that one out on my own, but I sincerely felt it was a mystery, my not being able to finish a whole mile in one stretch, since I'd been finishing a whole mile in one stretch for about two weeks. DUH, Wendy. :)

Now that my brain is in sync with perspective, I'll be doing one long-ass (takes too long!) mile twice a week and then doing shorter bursts of faster walking (she hopes at least a half mile) once a week while at the gym. (This on top of my free weights and nautilus training stuff...of course!) In between days, I get to be sore and walk funny, which is okay...I'm used to it.

So, yeah. Lesson for today is: Consider the obvious, stupid!

Group starts in two weeks (that's when I'll be changing my diet) and I can't wait to meet The Others. I like coach Ivana quite a bit and I can see validity in the things she has to say.  I expect things will get tougher before they get easier when it comes to the diet stuff because I already know some of the foods I will be giving up for a while (or life). I just have to keep in mind that it's all for a good cause: Me.

Hey, I must be doing well because I just called myself a good cause. That's pretty great.

Argh! My Apple Is Gross!

I like eating an apple a day. I don't always remember to bring one with me, but I'm generally happy having one for a mid-morning snack because it tides me over very well and I don't feel guilty eating it. This morning's apple is a yucky mess inside. There are no visible signs of this on the outside - no bruises, no little worm holes, nothing! I'm writing a post because I'm doing my damndest to stay away from the vending machine full of non-natural-sugar-stuff and all that is made in salt heaven. I'm hungry though.

Some good news: My high school friend, Mary, is going to visit. She's on her way today. My house is a disaster, but I don't think she'll mind. Mary's (thankfully) the kind of person who will relax in any (literally ANY) environment and still keep a cheerful conversation going. I think she can handle the strewn laundry, dust beagles (I don't own any bunnies), scattered papers and things (read: boxes full of stuff, mattress set, TOYS TOYS TOYS) pulled up from the basement while people work on turning that unfinished space into a room. And even though she's pretty great, I'll try to keep her in the kitchen or out of the house until Sunday when she has to head home.

I'm excited Mary's coming. I may have to drag her to the gym if she gets in by then. What a welcome, right? "Hi, nice to see you after your 5-6 hour road trip. Are you ready to walk for a half hour? Let's go!" Yep. I'm going whether she's here or not. I owe it to myself for missing the gym and EVERYTHING I PLANNED TO GET DONE Wednesday and having a really sucky time trying to catch up ever since. So, gym time is for me. I hate going there. I hate walking for thirty minutes, but I love blogging that I did it when I'm done. My reward is telling you. :)

A Mile by Sunday: DONE.

I am feeling the glory of having finished a 30 minute mile. I'd gotten to where I could do a mile in about 45 minutes a few weeks ago and then I skipped exercising entirely (for 2 weeks) so to do .75 of a mile in just over 30 minutes Wednesday and cut my time and still complete the mile TODAY is like WOAH. Words cannot describe. Or maybe they can:

I had a sucky day at work. It wasn't that the workplace wasn't comfortable and it wasn't that my coworkers were any kind of bother. Clients, prize winners and guests who came in were all pretty great. Communication, though? Kaput! It was one of those days when you question if you exist on the same planet as everybody else. I had to go over step-by-step instructions on a number of things because my brain just wouldn't ingest what other people were telling me, and I couldn't seem to express what I knew would make sense, but could only spill out of my head as a jumble of uhms and uhs because my mind was busy backtracking to make sure I was being as clear as I could. TELL ME THIS HAPPENS TO YOU.

So, when I left the office, I was mumbly and grumbly. I had to pass Pantops a.k.a ISLE OF HAZARDOUS FOOD and I was so tempted to veer off into the Taco Bell drive-up that I sought my cell phone (yes, while driving) to hold onto in case I needed to dial someone to talk me through a food-mergency.

My head talk went like this: "But, Taco Bell now is going to make me too tired to go to the gym. Heck, I'm already too tired to go to the gym. Still, if I just keep driving, I'll be home pretty soon and there's stuff already there to eat. But, maybe Burger King would be okay. I could just toss the bread and skip the fries. Ew, but then I'd have to blog it. Sigh. I'm crazy-thirsty. I'll just go through and get a drink. And maybe something little. Augh, see. I can't even JUST get a drink. Fuck it. I have Diet Pepsi at home anyway."

By the time I finished talking, I was already past the clump of fast food joints. My conversation hadn't stopped though.

"What time is it? It's only 1. Wow, I thought it was later. There's time to go to the gym. But, I have to take Hopper to horses (riding lessons) today. *a minute for clock math* So...huhm. I can't eat anything before I go to the gym or I'll get sleepy and ignore everything. But, if I go to the gym, I'll be tired taking Hopper to horses. BLAH. Okay, check it: You can go home and bring this shitty day with you and be all negative and have lunch and probably be too tired to do anything else and feel like crap because you didn't make good choices or you can go to the gym and turn this into a positive day. Even if you don't do the mile. At least go."

I was almost home. I came up on the road that leads to the gym.

"If I go now, I can get on the treadmill and maybe let go of some of this (miscommunication) crap. But, I am not doing a mile. Not today. I could barely friggin walk this morning. I'm going to be tired taking Hopper to horses. But, I can just sleep in the car while she rides. FINE. I'll do it."

Resigned to go to the gym, I turned down that road.

On the treadmill next.

"Good God. There is no way I'm going to get a mile done. It's going to take forever. How long has it been? *check timer* Three minutes. *walkwalkwalk. check time.* Five minutes. UGH! How far have I even gone? *check* Snails walk faster!"

I spent at least half a mile trying to ignore absolutely everything by watching poorly typed captions on two overhead televisions. To the right was CNN news, to the left Days of Our Lives, and I loosely followed both. I can tell you that CNN is harping on obesity because fat kids died of heat exhaustion in recent months and Brady is so going to pummel E.J. when he gets to the clearing in the forest where E.J.'s waiting for him - but Victor may know something and he just may interfere with those plans. That guy's an opportunist, Victor.

If you're still reading this, I gradually increased my speed and just kept going. I got my real energy when I was at a half mile. That's when I started telling myself (trainer-Barb-style) to walk in increments of five - I'd reach .55 miles and set my mind on getting to .60...like that. I told myself that when I got to .90 I would slow my speed down and walk a lazy tenth to the finish...and that's just what I did.

So, now I'm home. I'm tired. I have yet to eat the microwaved entree thingie I threw in when I got here, so I'm off to do that and then take Hopper to horses where I will undoubtedly fall asleep. Hallelujah!

Whiney Gym Day

I didn't want to go to the gym today, but I'm glad I went. It's been two weeks since my last visit because I've let a heap of moping take precedence over fulfilling my exercise obligations. I could wah-wah-wah to you for a while and tick off a list reasons for neglecting to go, but let's not. I'm a smart woman. If there is a reason to not go, I can find it and cling to it like a bug on a blade of grass in a windstorm.

I went. And in the weeks I've missed I've lost some momentum and strength so I had to start ....well, not at the beginning. I am still in far better shape than I was when I first walked into the fitness center and asked Barb for help. So, today I began with a setback, but it wasn't awful.

Previously, I'd worked up to walking a mile and a quarter. Today, I walked three quarters of a mile. If I can walk a mile by Sunday I can be back on track  I'm not so certain I will make the Women's 4-Miler; however, I agreed to train as if it's still going to happen.

"The worst that can happen is that you can walk two miles," Barb said. She's right. I can't let the overwhelming goal of four miles stop me from getting to two. Imagine if I could walk two miles, three times a week? Today showed me that I have the right stuff...it just is going to take time. I have to remember when I couldn't even walk one mile any day of the week and see what I'm doing now as a pretty good accomplishment.

I stayed at a pretty slow pace (slower than I actually wanted to walk) but was able to keep annoying knee pain between 3-4 on a scale of 10 for the entire time. Good news, that.