#TweetYerEats

I have a confession to make: I am not so good at passing up confections and there are times when the worker at the Drive-Thru window still gets my pay.  I can not say, nor would I believe, that I'll never ever ever ever do either of those things again.

I've gotten to where I can pretty quickly and easily determine when I am gaining weight.  Taking control by using more real foods more often in my diet, limiting simple carbs, drinking more water all has helped me to feel and function much better. So when I'm slacking or retreating, it's not difficult to notice feelings of sluggishness. I can't excuse away the tight feeling of a waistband either.

I do notice that whenever I stop paying good attention to what I'm eating, I stop moving as much and I stop working as much and I stop enjoying as much. I get in a funk and I snowball. Snowballing is no fun at all.

Most of my feelings are mom-related because she is my weakness, living or not. I miss her. I get sad. I feel blue. I lose motivation. I lack ambition. I skip cooking. I buy prepared crap. I stop doing things around the house. I put off work. I reason myself into a cocoon of depressed feelings and unhelpful fatigue - and when what I eat gets that out of whack, too, I am only making it harder to succeed.

How to combat this behavior? Is there is a way that will make me think twice...or three or four times, even, before caving into temptations that won't do me any good? My nutritionist would like me to keep a food journal. I hate the idea. I hate the tediousness of keeping track. I also hate using online record keepers.

I can dip into the reasons why with my counselor some other time. Right now, I want a "fix." So, I asked myself, "What's something I can do to be accountable for the food I eat - if  maintaining a food journal is never going to happen?" And then it came to me. I can tweet what I eat.

I love two things about the idea: I get to share food I (very often) make from scratch. I get to take pictures with my phone. I also love that if I am going to get more than a hot tea for breakfast at the Dunkin Donuts that is conveniently placed near my door, I'm going to need to tweet it.

A lot of my problem eating is done in solace when nobody else could know. But I know. And my body shows it. And I feel what it does to me. And my life span suffers for those choices.

I started tweeting today. Just meals, not snacks. I will probably work up to snacks if I continue this trend. I hope I continue this trend. It's an idea that could really work for the kind of person I am. I love to cook. I love to amaze. I love to inspire. I love to encourage. And, what's more, I love to feel good and know that I really could live to be eighty what's-it. It's in my genetics to do so! Now, if I can just stop screwing with that.

So, I've started a hashtag #TweetYerEats and I'll post my food (breakfast, lunch and dinner) @wendytime  You are welcome to join me if you like.

Oh, My Ever-Living Headache!

Whoever said refined carbs don't cause high blood pressure is a wanker. Gary Taubes provides example in his book how simple sugars produce enzymes that kick ass not only in the pancreas but they can increase uric acid in the body's cells and boost salt absorption in the kidneys, too. Basically, carbs fuck you up - if you're someone with a body like mine.

My mom and grandmother were both Diabetic. I've been close to that diagnosis a few times but, so far, managed to wrangle myself away from the red zone by changing my diet. And then life things happen, like birthdays.

Rob's menu? Spaghetti and Meatballs. Garlic Bread. Cake. Ice Cream.

I snuck sauteed mushrooms into the sauce. I made a side dish of sauteed spinach and pine nuts with garlic and some balsamic. But, I had spaghetti, meatballs, garlic bread, cake and ice cream, too. I got away with it last night - not tired, not feeling poorly, doing pretty well alright aside from that FULL feeling that borders discomfort.

Today, though, I have an unfun headache and I hear the swoosh of blood moving when I recline or move a certain way.  So, back off Birthdays! I can't indulge like that anymore. I just can't. And if anyone tells you carbs can't spike your BP you tell them that's totally bullshit. Because, my head is hoping I'm done with the carbs bender of a birthday we had yesterday....and I haven't felt this kind of ick since the cheesey potato incident of 2011..

High blood sugar holds hands with high blood pressure.  My head can guarantee it.

I'm a Mad Woman!

Evilbrain surgery was postponed because my daughter finally, albeit inconveniently, decided to follow my advice to see her doctor because she was feeling persistent nausea. Not wishing to miss the opportunity to get her in, I pushed my counseling visit with Cara to this week. Tomorrow, actually.

Thankfully, my girl is feeling better. She is a self-propelled vegetarian (read: PASTA-tarian) and her blood work requires iron supplements and B-12 vitamins. Because she's closer to adulthood, she is a lot more pushy and/or resistant to my concerns but she finally felt bad enough to see her doc. All good, too! She was ordered to ramp up her protein intake and to consult with a nutritionist regularly.

I am so pleased to report that she chose to see my nutritionist (Ivana of Yourishment) rather than anyone her doc would supply. That says a LOT about Ivana. Good work, Ivana! So far, increased protein is helping a whole bunch, by the way. Okay, so this visit with Cara tomorrow may be tough, but I need it.

This week has been so tricky because I...well, I realized I am depressed. I can't say I am clinically so, but I would believe it if someone diagnosed me. I'm just so up and down emotionally. I was high functioning one day yet couldn't even figure out what to do with myself the next.

I have not been able to think of my mom without crying - not even when sharing good memories - and no matter how many times I say she died, has died, is dead, has passed away, is gone...it does not get any easier. I sort of thought repetition would help me - that just being blunt, the way that I am, would help me with this overwhelming reality. It doesn't.

Every time I think of my mother being dead (or alive, which leads to thinking of her being dead) I feel a rock in my stomach. I feel unquenchable ache in my throat and chest. I feel nervous. I feel need. To curb my pain, I eat food. Worse, I eat easy-to-digest, easy-to-get or easy-to-make, quick-to-satisfy food. You know the type: Carbs. Uh-huh, and my next favorite food: melted cheese.

So, while my mind is so jazzed up and ready to not stay on the path which will lead me to a similar fate as my mother...my heart is so deeply struggling with despair and want. And my behavior is to soothe the hurt. I am rational enough to know these small fixes are not actually helping me - that they are just appeasing me moment to moment. Picture me drowning and reaching for reeds that pull out of the riverbank instead of sturdy branches that reach out to me.

With Cara's help, I am hoping to see a way around or out of this stupidity - this knowing what I'm doing to myself yet doing it anyway, this foolishness crap that hurts me just as significantly as the death of my mother does. I want to know how to overcome madness, because that's what this addiction is. It's madness.

How'm I Doin?

Diet-wise, pretty well considering I'm in MA and old habits creep in very easily when I'm here. It's tough to refrain from old favorites like Venus pizza and Marcello's meatball subs, but I have avoided both pretty well. Didn't go to Mia's for pasta either - but I diiiiiid indulge in Peaceful Meadow's ice cream for my lunch today and my body told me (in no uncertain terms) not to do that again.

Being off of simple carbs and sugar for over six weeks means that a reintroduction can prove ugly for your GI tract - just FYI, no photos here. 

I am feeling the need to eat more veggies though. Eating on the go, as I am right now, it is tough to find good, green vegetables that aren't BROCCOLI every meal. Salads get boring.... so can't wait to go home and fix normal food again. Seriously.

When going home day is...I still don't know.

I had a good day, all told. I was able to do some laundry, met my mom's lawyer, got a whole bunch of stuff sorted out as far as her assets and income and what to do with what because mom has made it clear I should prepare for a time she won't be with me any more. I hate the very thought of it.

Tuesday, she took her rings off her fingers and made me take them, which nauseates me still. I know she is doing this to have peace of mind about stuff and to make sure she gives people what she wants them to have but I'm not -ready-. I want my mom still.

I've not cried as much lately because I feel like the hospital she is in is very good with her, very attentive, and I don't have to worry as much about her safety. Tomorrow we'll see a renal specialist and know a little bit more about their treatment options. Seems before she even has her heart valve looked at...they have to help her get her kidneys back to good. We are all hoping they can be. Hoping, praying, hoping, praying.

How YOU doin?  I really want to know.

Sugar Addiction Looks Like This:

I can see so much of my behavior in this comic about cake. the story and pictures are so funny but that pinch of truth remains. This is how it feels to be addicted to sugar - vengeful feelings and all! Please have a look. and by all means: share.

Hyperbole and a Half: God of Cake!