My Gift from Mom

This morning on News Radio WINA I met a Dr. I've been praying to find. My nutritionist Ivana Kadija can verify that I've had so much trouble with carbohydrate addicton, getting a handle on it (as I once did very well!) since my mom died has frustrated me...it's been so difficult to do but is essential to my health. Essential.

I'm Diabetic now and that is just an open door to inflammatory disease, heart disease, all. So, I've reached out to a few specialists whose mission aligns with my own.

The Northern VA Dr. who I made an honest plea to for help wrote me back a "why are you telling me all this?" To me, it was a slap in the face. She went on to invite me to make an appointment. I did, but her initial response never rested well with me. I plan to cancel.

Another Dr. responded with kindness and encouraged me to make appointment with Endocrinology at UVA.  That's scheduled for October.


But today was a gift. A gift.

During our Live Well segment, Dr. Daniel Cox showed up to detail what it's like to live with Type 2 Diabetes. It is a disease he handles himself and is convinced can be naturally controlled by lifestyle change - in a lot of cases.

He said the same thing Ivana always tells me: Low Carb Diet. LOW CARB DIET. LOW CARB DIET! So many people living with Diabetes are taught to eat what they want just limit the amounts and, to me, it is killing them. I watched my mom die this way. Untreated, unable to control my food addiction, I am going to die this way.

Dr. Cox said whole grains, oatmeal, all of it...unhelpful. (I swear I heard Ivana say yay!!!) Then he said something more helpful than I could have dreamed:

UVA has a new program planned to monitor 50 Diabetics who meet certain criteria and will agree to change their lifestyles, monitor their blood glucose and experiment not with drugs but with food - something Ivana has encouraged me to do to no end.

I feel like her want for me and my want for myself have aligned in this opportunity.

Moreso, I wholeheartedly believe this is all a gift from God and my mom. Probably God but my bet is he's used my mom to help me, knowing how much I need her.

Here is the evidence....

My prayers have been so earnest and so needful of support, communal support, close close close monitoring, accountability and raw education.

I've made attempts to get help over and over and over - I cannot tell you how much.

After doing the interview, Manna sent me a photo of a penny she found at school. Between us, pennies mean my mom is with me. Quarters mean my mom is with Manna. 

I took a nap today and I dreamed I was with my mom. You may not think that a big deal but I've not been able to talk to my mom and hear her for over a year since she died. We walked a HOSPITAL hallway. Tufts Med Ctr. probably? Where I last spent time with her alive.

She and I walked and talked about this study...and I told her I was excited to do it. I carried on and on as you can imagine and she was glad for me...as she always is when I decide to help myself. Then I asked her if she'd like to be one of the 50 in the study (clearly not remembering she has died) and she said no very firmly. And I started to get irritated and all my old feelings of "why doesn't my mom damn help herself?" started to come...and I went to open my mouth to say what I would have said back then. She was gone. It was just me in the hallway.

I took a shower and started to cry...because I got to hear from my mom.

Still in my towel, I got a call from Dr. Cox inviting me to join the program. He outlined what I need to do...and away we go.

I hung up with him and sort of reflected on all that has happened: the interview, the penny, the dream, the call.... how much does it take before I realize, this is a gift?

My mom can't do this now, but I can, and she's given this to me.

I thank my mom and God so much.

The Dreaded Diet Cola Kick

I have the horrible habit of drinking can after can after bottle after fountain drink of diet or zero colas. For years I've had myself convinced that drinking them is OK and I've gotta have my caffeine somehow. Doesn't matter that I love hot tea and that if I limited my choices to tea drinking I'd have less of it a day. What matters is I USED to be a Mountain Dew addict and I'm not now.

Been wearing that "I no longer drink The Dew" badge around for so long that it's not only justified having zero calorie soft drinks, it's made me a goddamn super hero. But, while kicking Mtn. Dew was tough, I didn't totally let go of carbonated caffeine...so I didn't totally suffer....so I didn't overcome anything near world evil....so what was I thinking?

Using the excuse is what.

I'm smart enough to know deep down in my gut that drinking this stuff isn't any better for me (even if it doesn't threaten to fling me headlong into a Diabetic coma.) I'm honest enough to admit that I'd function better without it (even though I've convinced myself that I neeeeeed it.) And I'm swift enough to realize I will find even more elaborate excuses if I can't find a feasible way to kick my soda drinking habit.

What to do?

Copy my BFE - or at least his intention. We recently reset our lives by going through a process based on the book The Best Year Yet - something we practice annually now - and on his BYY plan, he wrote that he'd drink as much water as he does soda. That set the lightbulb over my head to "glow."

I don't know how he plans to account for it, but I know I can only drink so much in a day before I feel all sloshy. SLOSHY. It's a word now because I made it up. Anyway, I made a deal with myself on my own BYY plan to drink 1 glass of water for every 1 can/fountain drink/bottle of zero cola (or equivalent.) 

So every time I head to pour myself a sweet glass of caffeine a la phenylketonurics  en carbonate...I will pour myself a glass of water, too. And I can't get another diet drink til my water is gone. That's THE NEW DEAL.

We can talk about cold turkey quits later.  OK? Because this I can do.

Days off are amazing....!

I think I mentioned that I've taken a couple of days off per week so that I can catch up on homework to maybe graduate this year...and to have a whole day or two to handle mom's affairs because I've been working my two and a half part time jobs seven days a week and SHE HAS MANY AFFAIRS. I now do her job for her company which...well...makes for the need to take days off. Fortunately, I work for the greatest people who recognize that I could use this kind of help and they're OK with it.

So, I started the day by taking Hop to school - something I don't normally get to do - and enjoyed conversation with her. I went to the grocery store to stock up on some squash and laundry detergent, came home, put stuff away, fed the dogs, fed the cats and put this in the oven.

I made mine without scallions...and I greased the tin with a little butter, not spray stuff. Also, I baked them about 3 minutes more than was called for - but that is because I dislike goopy white parts in my eggs.

That's what's for breakfast. I did it for ME (and for all the great people and reasons I choose be in good health) and I pray this is the start of a very good day.

If I Can Do it Anyone Can

Raise a pint (of water or whatever) for me. I completed an hour of Navy Seal training. I didn't talk much about doing this...I just went and did it. I had no idea whether I COULD do it, but although I was slower than, like, everyone and am not half as able to put out the number of push ups, sit ups, tricep death squeezes and running minutes that a lot of the other people there can do...I stayed the whole hour and gave it my best.

Pushups? It turns out I can do 11. A guy who later introduced himself said when he started the training a few months ago he could only do 1. He looks way more fit than me so I was surprised by that.

I kept up fine with crunches and sit ups... but I'm slow with the running and I'm slow with the get off of the ground thing. I can fall down to the ground easily, but trying to get up (I have a lame knee) without help proved unsuccessful. So, I have to thank the many teammates I had and the two trainers this morning for their hands in giving me leverage to get off the ground every time.

The hour went by so quickly - probably because there was nonstop action. By the time we were dismissed I was torn between being angry that I decided to go there (I had a very moody morning with a lot of apprehension about trying this thing out) and being stunned that I did as much as I really did during my time there.

Today was only a guest pass kind of day. There's a class which begins January 2nd - one of my only true days off of the year. Do I want to spend it putting my face in the dirt and the grass and flailing my limbs around uncontrollably?

Maybe. :)

Oh, my gosh...Cauliflower Mash

I steamed two heads of cauliflower florets then put a little of the hot water in my blender, then some cauliflower, then some butter, garlic, real cream, parmesan and monterey jack cheese (just a little bit of each)...and WOAH. I could have used a little less liquid to make the "faux-tatoes" not so runny, but they were so SO good. I can tell that a reheat will let go of some of that water and then they'll be perfect consistency. And flavor? Unbelievable. And carbs? Only 1.5g per half cup. Not bad! And fiber? Whole Foods says there are nearly 12 grams in every 100 calories of cauliflower. That's quite good.

I am no fan of cauliflower when it's raw. And I really don't like it all that much when it's cooked. But, add all the horrible-for-you stuff (really, such small amounts) and it turns into amazing soup. AMAZING. I mixed in chives at the end. Seriously, try this.

I may even try to sautee next time because this turned out so well. (I'm kind of convinced that cauliflower CAN taste good).

Check out this page from World's Healthiest Foods (a resource I use for recipes and nutrition info.)

Because I said so.

I'm a good mother. I have a weight problem. My husband has a weight problem. Our daughter has had odd growth spurts since birth where she will remain short and stout then grow taller and slimmer. She's high school age now and the taller and slimmer phases have decreased in frequency. She's short (sorry, kid!) and slowly developing heaviness in her body that I am wary of.

I've talked with a few people here or there. I've read expert suggestions from magazines. I've done the whole "if you ignore it and just model good behavior they will pick up on that" thing and the "take charge of their diet without mentioning that your child is gaining weight" thing to very little cooperation from the child.

People say not to tell your kid they are gaining weight or that they are fat or could be getting fat and yet I know my kid's potential destiny based on her genetics alone is to become overweight and possibly unhappy and probably unhealthy and while I'm aware of the mental repercussions, I can't stand by and say nothing or hope the extra few pounds away.

She is not grossly overweight and she is not problematic, she's not skinny with a little meat on her either. She's growing a tummy and her legs have thickened (sorry, kid!) over time. She has her dad's frame, but my stature.

I realize I am at risk writing anything about this because when it comes to parenting there are bazillions of opinions. When it comes to parenting a kid who needs to utilize a healthier diet and exercise more, there are even MORE opinions. Whatever! To me, it would be horrible parenting if I just stood by and said/did nothing.

So, I told Hopper yesterday that I can see her weight becoming problematic. I told her that skipping the lunches I make for her doesn't help (she is so a lunch skipper) not just because it is a waste of pretty good/healthy food, it's not helping her metabolism any to skip it. I explained that she can easily get a handle on the weight gain right now and that I'll help because I'm working on handling my own.

Well, she listened. Maybe weeks ago she wouldn't have listened, but she sees me working now and maybe that's the difference? I can't say. She IS in her teens and DOES care about being attractive (but not to the extent of most girls) and she's willing to work with me on this.

So, we made a deal: I'll continue help her put good food stuff together, but she has to eat it - and she has to eat at at least 5 times a day. And we'll exercise together on my off days from the gym (UGH!!!!!! But, I will do it for her.)

Later, when I was feeling insecure and like a bad mother for pointing out her problem areas, I asked her if she felt I was picking on her, hated her, thought she was the biggest lard ever... and she laughed and said no. She said she understands/recognizes her weight is getting out of hand and it's a good time to do something about it. She's not going to turn bulimic or anorexic or need psychotherapy and she knows I love her and I'm only looking out for her so she doesn't have to struggle so much at forty like this old hag she knows.

So, I'll be a skeptic and make sure she didn't REALLY take me that way, but I have a hunch she was cool with it and isn't going extreme teen on me. (and I'll pray.) But, yeah, I think we got through that talk okay... and well...now I have to exercise tonight. Walkin the walk, me.