Selfish, Maybe

My house is full of crap. All of the upstairs is extra packed with stuff that has either come from the basement or accumulated because nobody cares and we are living like hoarders with little paths to our doors and not much else. I'm confined, hating it, cannot WAIT for the downstairs to be painted, get shelving, and to get shit done putting things back and sorting what's to give away and stuff.

I've got Thursday and Friday off and the basement is scheduled to be ready for all that redistribution I've been looking forward to for ALMOST A YEAR. Finally, there will be room to move, space to run around, breathe, smile, relax and enjoy my home. I can have people over again! I have Thursday and Friday to help organize where everything is going and has got to be - I'm the wife and the mom, it's what I do. I do that.

But, wait! I am also the daughter... I am technically the only child in a house that once had four and, by default, I am responsible for the care of my mother when everyone else is busy and/or is tired of doing it. I get it, and I am ok with loving my mother and being there for her. I'm a little upset that I have to be right NOW, with basement getting readiedness and two whole days to stay home and sort and organize things....two days to make my house the way I want it.

We were even going to skip Thanksgiving and just band together to get it done.

But, mom. And my uncles are maxed out taking care of her and their own needs. Her hired help is beginning to suck a whole lot and has a shitty attitude...and nobody seems to know whose job what is anymore. There needs to be someone to go there, sort people out, manage the care, stop the bickering and tell the grown-ass people who live off of her to get over themselves and contribute to making her house a positive environment or GTFO.

Guess who's job that is?

I can do it from here, but I can do it from there.

And if I go there, I have to neglect here. Sure, here can be done when I get back, but I won't have another two days off for it...in months. MONTHS. because I work 7 days a week. And don't think for a moment if I go up to my mom's I'll get a lot accomplished. There are too many control freaks in the equation and I am not her proxy.

I'm going to call her proxy, my cousin, tonight once I hear how mom's doc visit goes, and then I have to decide whether I have to skip this couple of days I've looked forward to for a year...or if I'll sort my house and go to Mannheim Steamroller after all.

I selfishly want to stay home.

I love my mother, though, more than I love my days off and Mannheim Steamroller...so I will be there if she needs me and that's the bottom line.

Down another 3 pounds, btw.

Internal Reboot

I don't care what anybody says, changing my diet has been a tremendous event - and a tumultuous one! One week I am up, the next I am down... and in some weeks I am up and down emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually - ALL OF IT!

This week has been one of those mixed varieties where I feel good about having sought relationships with the people who are knowledgeable and can support my weight loss and my changes in a positive way and I feel bad about eating poorly: not really eating on time, skipping meals, eating high calorie foods in a hurry to replenish me because I've skipped eating too much....and not really exercising.

To be fair, I've had some really emotional weeks of changing my life around: finding help for mom, taking care of my home, my family, realizing the impact of how spread out I am and how much it affects how I feel about myself...and that when I do that, I am disappointing others who depend on me. I have come to realize my way of doing too many things really bites it.

So, I've been paring back here and there to narrow my focus on what I feel I am supposed to do most: to minister with love and humility to a wider audience than I am currently keeping. I hope that I do so via radio, but I've yet to see how it will come to pass. What I know is that I have to set my path on that ministry goal and be ON it - and I have to set my mind on spending REAL time with my family doing the things we've been saying we'll do and never getting around to it.

I have had to ask myself, "Who is this Wendy of incompleteness and why is she in my life?" Because I'm a lot better than that. Thanks to my coaches in nutrition, physical exercise and mental balance, I've got a clearer picture of the Wendy I need to be. She has been lost...or maybe she has not even had the chance to be in existence.... but it's time she was.

I'm sure I will have good days and bad days, up and down weeks, and all kinds of distraction to keep me thinking, but I hope to remember that I've taken a stand for humility and that is why I'm here.

So, I've let go of things I can't commit to properly and I am humbly carrying on toward my goals of health, family and ministry - even though it makes me cry and is hard to accept.

I have to get the weight off.

Thoughts before sleep...

I have been quite busy this week, but wanted to tell you things are getting better. I feel good right now - better in a lot of ways.

My state of mind is much better. It's only been a few days since that deep stuff came up about my mom and I am already beginning to think of my health and long-term goals thanks to talks with Barb and my friend who I mentioned. She gives me courage. And my BFE, Steve, is good at encouragement, too.

Robert is now eating from the same foods list I am because he sees my happiness is real. Yesterday, Hopper told me to turn around....so I did, thinking I had something stuck to me. I had no idea she was inspecting my behind. "Your butt is smaller," she said. Then she walk ed away.

The three of us attended a seminar on "The Case Against Sugar," which was somewhat insightful. There is not a lot of supportive scientific evidence that sugar is 100% to blame for obesity or molecular disease; however, the lecture showed the trail leading from heart disease to sugar (going backwards to find the source) and also diabetes...and cancer.

When the American and European diets are compared to Asian and African diets in terms of sugar consumption and disease & death rates, sugar does seem to be a major contributor toward our differences overall.

It is humbling to note that as advanced as we feel we are medically and holistically in this country, it seems we still can't agree on how to treat the body and what the root causes of our pain and suffering are on a molecular level. It just makes me even more aware of how incredible our bodies are and how utterly designed they are...and just like stars and planets, those who study us have barely cracked the surface even as advanced as study has become. Amazing.

To know everything and understand nothing...that's a sentiment that makes Zen practitioners smile - and me, too.

Phew!

That was one heck of a week - and it was only a half week of work! As you know, I came to terms inside regarding my mother...realizing there isn't anything I can do to make her choose positive, health-beneficial foods and activities (whatever she can do) even if I go up to her house and start ruling the roost.

I have a loving friend who shared her own experience of watching her father fall apart before her eyes and was able to tell that to me, with more detail, and also what she learned in that time about his care and her own self-care. Without breaking confidence, I can tell you that she understood me in just the way I needed last week and through her experience I was able to acknowledge just how much I can't let myself be so optimally responsible for my mother. As much as it kills me to watch her disappear, I can't be the who or what that changes her life. Only she can. And when she's ready, she has the help right there in her house: the cousin to cook, the friends to keep her company, family to visit, nurses to watch her health, a physical therapist to get her moving and a dietitian to lord over her menu...and on Friday, I put the word out to my spiritual community at school that I would like to hire someone else.

My mom's pastor has moved out of state and, while I can't be my mom's pastor, I do have friends who can counsel very lovingly and whose mission it is to help older adults in her position. They have patience where I do not. They have the ability to maintain boundaries, which I obviously have to work on. They're also working to become ordained and would not necessarily charge a fee, but I said I would contribute via donation in thanks for the help.

So, four people have responded and if all goes well, I will have given my mom a gift of someone to talk to who won't pressure her the way I do and who might be a good listener and be encouraging - all things I can do for my friends, but not for my mother.

I love laughing with my mom and just shooting the breeze, but when it comes to her inner and outer turmoil, I take on her stress and I do not respond well. Maybe it's due to having lived in an explosive family together that I act this way?

But, the boundary thing... I am working on the boundary thing. I met with Barb, my trainer, on Friday (I'm down two pounds!) and spent the hour we could have been using the treadmill and nautilus equipment and free weights just talking in her office...shedding tears about my mom and my anger and listening to Barb's observation that I have a problem setting boundaries and doing for me what I do for other people. She told me I need to be more self-FULL (not to be confused with selfISH) and...while I have to figure out how to BE that, I can see there is value to it in the things she's said and what my friend said also.

Centering on self. I've often tried to do that and then gotten sidetracked...and I don't realize how not centered on myself I am until I'm stressed like I was the other day from being soooooo absorbed in other people's problems.

I have to figure out how to balance caring about my things while I'm busy caring about theirs.

On a fun note: By doing this low carbs thing I am reminded of how much I like to cook. I really, really like to cook. I get a kick out of this and I'm making such good recipes. And I am going to host a dinner party soon. Watch!

P.S. Thank you, my unconditional friend, for your wisdom and the peek into your world's window last week. I am better for having experienced that.

So Grateful

When I tell my friends or family that I am writing "a weight loss blog," they find the idea inspiring, cool and want to read along with my progress. I am most amazed that no one reminds me of the several starts and stops I've already been through. No one sighs or rolls their eyes because they remember the last time I started something I didn't finish. No one gives me a grim look and says, "Well...good luck with that." Truth be told, I think those things and it is a wonder that nobody else says them out loud. They must think them, right? I think them.

But, I read the encouraging messages on Facebook or in e-mail or I find supportive comments are already written and waiting for me on this shiny, new blog. You. Give. Such. Comfort.

I'd love to say I'm confident enough about this next attempt to forgo external validation, but I really could not (and perhaps should not) do so. Doing the work and blogging about it feels a little less intimidating knowing you are there.

I was pensive when contemplating whether to include anyone in my progress like this. I probably could do the unknown blogger on the internet thing, but I like your feedback too much. Thank you for loving me.