Okay, so it's on. I asked JD and he was cool with connecting on Lose It. I like the app a lot. I'm so used to having to go through hell on the WW site and with Fitday and My Fitness Pal - this Lose It! site is so so so much easier to me....and, okay, it's cuter. I am a fan.
Fitness and nutrition aside, I've been learning a lot since the start of this new year what with my mom going through her ordeal and my routine, finances and lifestyle needing to stretch a little wider to provide for her and her business along with my own. I've had opportunities to get upset and frustrated with a whole bunch of things, from negligent hospital practices to odd family squatters hanging out at mom's while she isn't doing so.
I've had bouts of anger, despair, frustration and the bad (REALLY bad) dreams that come from taking on too much and stressing myself out. It had gotten to where I was complaining about everyone and everything adverse to whoever would listen to me - and it wouldn't take a whole lot for me to resort to cussing and freaking. Like, I am not used to so much going wrong to such dire ends. I am not used to trying to breathe while buried under heaps of woe. Once upon a time I could and did...but I've done so much to improve my life and my outlook and my situation that all of these feelings are such a nuisance to me now. I really hate them.
And then something happened. I was at this peak of irritation to where I wanted to shout for so many reasons and shake the stupid out of people who keep making these tough times even tougher than necessary...and then I just wasn't angry anymore. Just as I was running out of all that emotion, as the numbness took over, I was getting back to my homework...picking up a book about the Jewish philosopher Hillel and reading things he'd written, spoken or stood for...and I felt my heart again. I softened.
I read things he said or did to people who wronged him or who, more importantly, wronged God and I realized I still have that sense for kindness inside of me. I hadn't become so embittered that I couldn't somehow be honest in telling people what I am feeling without telling them off. I realized I could formulate words to go with my emotions that wouldn't be striking someone else down (even if you'd agree they'd deserve it.) And I decided to write letters to the people who I'm feeling wronged by. I began writing in my head what I'd want them to say and by doing so I felt myself forgiving them.
That happened some of Saturday and some of yesterday and today...I feel so much lighter. Nothing's better. Nobody else is any different, just me. But, I feel like things are going to be okay where I really didn't know WHAT to believe as of last Friday.
So, I'm grateful to my studies for giving me that little reminder of who I am despite all of these things that could add up to crush me. I'm good. And I'm happier being good to people than I am saying shit about them and wrecking their lives just because I feel like shit within mine. Knowing that has been a freeing, freeing thought.
"That which you hate, don't do to others. That is the entire Torah," Hillel told him.
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Monday, February 13, 2012
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Group Morning.
Aside from Ivana, I was the only person to show up at group this morning. I don't know why the others were unable to make it or if they've decided to opt out of the program. I have to say that the program, by ALL appearances, seems kind of whack and burdensome. That makes sense. Like any meal plan, there are pros and cons to using this one.
If you love pasta and potatoes like I do...the very idea of eliminating them from your diet is well, daunting is too gentle a word. If you worry about heart attack and stroke as much as I do...horrific is along the lines of what this mentally feels like.
Physically, I can't really compare just yet because I'm bogged down by some kind of cold or flu or yuck feeling thing. I'll let you know when that's been kicked if I feel much physical difference aside from the reasonable amount of pep I have acquired for having shed the pounds.
But! Back to the meeting this morning!
Ivana arrived and we talked about different ideas I could use for breakfasts because I get kind of tired of eggs - even though I like them - and she was cool about giving me some tips. Just sitting there, I found myself coming up with tips of my own, too. It's amazing what a few minutes away from your world of responsibility can do for your mind. I felt clear and focused and able to think about the things I have been eating and what things I intend to try and so forth.
Thank goodness for no and low carb recipes. They are so much fun to try and make, too. I love it when I discover something as if it's new. Tonight, I am going to attempt to make cauliflower mash... and somehow it is supposed to be mashed potato goodness without the calories or the carbs. I'll let you know how that turns out. :)
If I do really well on this meal plan, I think I will start publishing recipes for other people who, like me, had no use for veggies and were unconvinced they could ever taste great. Because they do. Crazy, right? ;)
If you love pasta and potatoes like I do...the very idea of eliminating them from your diet is well, daunting is too gentle a word. If you worry about heart attack and stroke as much as I do...horrific is along the lines of what this mentally feels like.
Physically, I can't really compare just yet because I'm bogged down by some kind of cold or flu or yuck feeling thing. I'll let you know when that's been kicked if I feel much physical difference aside from the reasonable amount of pep I have acquired for having shed the pounds.
But! Back to the meeting this morning!
Ivana arrived and we talked about different ideas I could use for breakfasts because I get kind of tired of eggs - even though I like them - and she was cool about giving me some tips. Just sitting there, I found myself coming up with tips of my own, too. It's amazing what a few minutes away from your world of responsibility can do for your mind. I felt clear and focused and able to think about the things I have been eating and what things I intend to try and so forth.
Thank goodness for no and low carb recipes. They are so much fun to try and make, too. I love it when I discover something as if it's new. Tonight, I am going to attempt to make cauliflower mash... and somehow it is supposed to be mashed potato goodness without the calories or the carbs. I'll let you know how that turns out. :)
If I do really well on this meal plan, I think I will start publishing recipes for other people who, like me, had no use for veggies and were unconvinced they could ever taste great. Because they do. Crazy, right? ;)
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
The Overachievers Club
Hi, my name is Wendy. I have been a chronic overachiever for the past forty years.
Sadly, my story is reflected back to me in the faces of the other women who have joined our Yourishment group. I found (yesterday at group) that we are all super dynamo types who do their best at so many things that there is little to no time spent taking care of our own bodies and safekeeping. Energy just fizzles out by the time we could fit ourselves in.
And there's a common thread as to why we do so much. It's probably not restricted to women who want to lose weight and be healthier, but that it's such a frontrunner response to the reasons we work so hard at what we do that I wanted to mention it here: we want so much to be recognized.
Recognized as what? By whom? That varies.
What's funny to me and doesn't seem to vary is that we've each put on weight trying to be recognized. Kind of a backwards way to get noticed, don't you think? Now, I can't say that's even accurate of me to point out because I'm not sure what my group mates are doing or thinking, I've only just met them. It just showed up during the initial hellos, this red light of an idea that while we're tired and personal energy is a commodity in short supply...we're working our asses ON hoping to get recognized. I have no idea if this really is a psychological issue or if it's just a funky thought that makes me go "...huh." but it reminds me of an exercise I learned in seminary first year.
Practice this with someone who can dig it and take it more like seriously...and you'll be surprised by the power and authenticity of having said and done this:
Person 1 speaks: "I am here to be seen."
Person 2 speaks: "And I see you." (pause) "I, too, am here to be seen."
Person 1 speaks: "And I see you."
I'm delighted to have classmates to see and be seen by - their acknowledgment makes such a difference in my well-being. Maybe I can bring this exercise to my next group meeting...because yeah, doing so much to be everything good to everybody we can is very tiring and self-defeating.
I haven't been as zealous to turn so many heads in....about five or six months, I'd say...and I do credit that exercise and my classmates who are right there to say "I see you" and my close friends, too. I AM here to be seen. I AM here to see you.
There's a famous quote by June Carter Cash that (for her) was said in haste, but (for me) has remained a truth. Someone asked her what she was up to and she said, "I'm just trying to matter!"
Aren't we all?
Sadly, my story is reflected back to me in the faces of the other women who have joined our Yourishment group. I found (yesterday at group) that we are all super dynamo types who do their best at so many things that there is little to no time spent taking care of our own bodies and safekeeping. Energy just fizzles out by the time we could fit ourselves in.
And there's a common thread as to why we do so much. It's probably not restricted to women who want to lose weight and be healthier, but that it's such a frontrunner response to the reasons we work so hard at what we do that I wanted to mention it here: we want so much to be recognized.
Recognized as what? By whom? That varies.
What's funny to me and doesn't seem to vary is that we've each put on weight trying to be recognized. Kind of a backwards way to get noticed, don't you think? Now, I can't say that's even accurate of me to point out because I'm not sure what my group mates are doing or thinking, I've only just met them. It just showed up during the initial hellos, this red light of an idea that while we're tired and personal energy is a commodity in short supply...we're working our asses ON hoping to get recognized. I have no idea if this really is a psychological issue or if it's just a funky thought that makes me go "...huh." but it reminds me of an exercise I learned in seminary first year.
Practice this with someone who can dig it and take it more like seriously...and you'll be surprised by the power and authenticity of having said and done this:
Person 1 speaks: "I am here to be seen."
Person 2 speaks: "And I see you." (pause) "I, too, am here to be seen."
Person 1 speaks: "And I see you."
I'm delighted to have classmates to see and be seen by - their acknowledgment makes such a difference in my well-being. Maybe I can bring this exercise to my next group meeting...because yeah, doing so much to be everything good to everybody we can is very tiring and self-defeating.
I haven't been as zealous to turn so many heads in....about five or six months, I'd say...and I do credit that exercise and my classmates who are right there to say "I see you" and my close friends, too. I AM here to be seen. I AM here to see you.
There's a famous quote by June Carter Cash that (for her) was said in haste, but (for me) has remained a truth. Someone asked her what she was up to and she said, "I'm just trying to matter!"
Aren't we all?
Monday, August 29, 2011
We Begin Tomorrow!
This is a headline to an email I received today from Ivana. I'm so excited and yet I've no idea what is in store for me and the other ladies who have decided to participate in this Yourishment group. Here are some things I look forward to:
I started these changes on Valentine's Day as a gift to myself and my family. It's kind of fitting that this next section of lifestyle change comes in time for my birthday. Happy Birthday to me! I am liking the gifts I am giving myself this year. They're so much healthier than the ones I used to want.
This birthday I decided I wanted a phone and I'd like to skip the get-together at a restaurant and so forth. I took a few days off work which gives me a four day weekend. I'm looking forward to whatever it is I do with that time (hopefully make it count, right?
School (I'm attending seminary for my 2nd year) begins this month which I'm excited to get into again. I've gotten close to my fellow classmates since our intensive over the summer and it's going to be cool to spend the rest of this year learning and building in ministry with them.
The last few weeks have held such sadness. Before the earthquake came, I couldn't put a finger on what was bothering me. I just felt sad and angry and frustrated. Hormones didn't help. But, there was that deep, deep knowing something wasn't right and things just felt "off" and heart-breakingly sad and tense for no real reason. THEN came a flood of reasons, from my own lack of want to do anything to my family's upset to the earthquake, the threat of the massive storm, a tragic rollover accident that took the life of a well-loved high school graduate....just awful, awful things. I don't know if it is possible to have felt it before it all happened, but man I was feeling low.
We start tomorrow... and I have such hope that the pain is over and that when we move on and move through the next phases of our lives we can do so with assurance that everything's going to be alright. I need that. Don't you?
- set and accomplish goals in a way that is empowering and exciting
- work to achieve my ideal weight
- understand and reduce my cravings
- increase my energy levels
- feel great in my body
- learn about new foods and re-acquaint myself with some great old ones
- share my successes and questions
I started these changes on Valentine's Day as a gift to myself and my family. It's kind of fitting that this next section of lifestyle change comes in time for my birthday. Happy Birthday to me! I am liking the gifts I am giving myself this year. They're so much healthier than the ones I used to want.
This birthday I decided I wanted a phone and I'd like to skip the get-together at a restaurant and so forth. I took a few days off work which gives me a four day weekend. I'm looking forward to whatever it is I do with that time (hopefully make it count, right?
School (I'm attending seminary for my 2nd year) begins this month which I'm excited to get into again. I've gotten close to my fellow classmates since our intensive over the summer and it's going to be cool to spend the rest of this year learning and building in ministry with them.
The last few weeks have held such sadness. Before the earthquake came, I couldn't put a finger on what was bothering me. I just felt sad and angry and frustrated. Hormones didn't help. But, there was that deep, deep knowing something wasn't right and things just felt "off" and heart-breakingly sad and tense for no real reason. THEN came a flood of reasons, from my own lack of want to do anything to my family's upset to the earthquake, the threat of the massive storm, a tragic rollover accident that took the life of a well-loved high school graduate....just awful, awful things. I don't know if it is possible to have felt it before it all happened, but man I was feeling low.
We start tomorrow... and I have such hope that the pain is over and that when we move on and move through the next phases of our lives we can do so with assurance that everything's going to be alright. I need that. Don't you?
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