#TweetYerEats

I have a confession to make: I am not so good at passing up confections and there are times when the worker at the Drive-Thru window still gets my pay.  I can not say, nor would I believe, that I'll never ever ever ever do either of those things again.

I've gotten to where I can pretty quickly and easily determine when I am gaining weight.  Taking control by using more real foods more often in my diet, limiting simple carbs, drinking more water all has helped me to feel and function much better. So when I'm slacking or retreating, it's not difficult to notice feelings of sluggishness. I can't excuse away the tight feeling of a waistband either.

I do notice that whenever I stop paying good attention to what I'm eating, I stop moving as much and I stop working as much and I stop enjoying as much. I get in a funk and I snowball. Snowballing is no fun at all.

Most of my feelings are mom-related because she is my weakness, living or not. I miss her. I get sad. I feel blue. I lose motivation. I lack ambition. I skip cooking. I buy prepared crap. I stop doing things around the house. I put off work. I reason myself into a cocoon of depressed feelings and unhelpful fatigue - and when what I eat gets that out of whack, too, I am only making it harder to succeed.

How to combat this behavior? Is there is a way that will make me think twice...or three or four times, even, before caving into temptations that won't do me any good? My nutritionist would like me to keep a food journal. I hate the idea. I hate the tediousness of keeping track. I also hate using online record keepers.

I can dip into the reasons why with my counselor some other time. Right now, I want a "fix." So, I asked myself, "What's something I can do to be accountable for the food I eat - if  maintaining a food journal is never going to happen?" And then it came to me. I can tweet what I eat.

I love two things about the idea: I get to share food I (very often) make from scratch. I get to take pictures with my phone. I also love that if I am going to get more than a hot tea for breakfast at the Dunkin Donuts that is conveniently placed near my door, I'm going to need to tweet it.

A lot of my problem eating is done in solace when nobody else could know. But I know. And my body shows it. And I feel what it does to me. And my life span suffers for those choices.

I started tweeting today. Just meals, not snacks. I will probably work up to snacks if I continue this trend. I hope I continue this trend. It's an idea that could really work for the kind of person I am. I love to cook. I love to amaze. I love to inspire. I love to encourage. And, what's more, I love to feel good and know that I really could live to be eighty what's-it. It's in my genetics to do so! Now, if I can just stop screwing with that.

So, I've started a hashtag #TweetYerEats and I'll post my food (breakfast, lunch and dinner) @wendytime  You are welcome to join me if you like.

Sh! Don't Tell My In-Laws.

I used to think the key to weight loss & a healthy life was this unidirectional cure-all called "diet & exercise" and God love me for trying to be, but I am no machine. I am amazed at people who are so disciplined the care of their nutritional and physical health is downright robotic. I heave a dreamy sigh at the image of being one of them.

Alas, I'm an obstinate Bostony sort who regularly turns her nose up at discipline. That's not a matter of pride, nor ignorance, I just don't like being told what to do - even by me.

My closest friends know I am difficult to deal with. Invitations to exercise together annoy me instead of seeming fun. I don't know why the walls go up around my behavior when someone else wants to help me work around them or change them...but they do! God forbid somebody suggest a diet or a method or a group of foods to try or what I really ought to stay away from. Nails. On. The. Chalk. Board.

So, I have to get sneaky and creative and clever in order to get anything past my little "Fuck You" fence (or is it defense) mechanism that pops up at suggestions. It keeps me on one side, well-meaning friends and family on the other.

But here's what works: If I impress myself and feel kind of genius because I came up with an idea to help me to adopt a discipline...I will try it. The same is true of when a friend presents something in a fun or interesting or cool way.

I could analyze "Why am I so picky!?" but it would cost me precious time when I could be finding solutions since I know what makes me tick. So, let's forget trying to know why I'm picky or defensive or surly toward suggestions and dig into the neat find of: If I'm jazzed about it, I'll give it a shot.

Like, right now? I am totally using my in-laws. They don't probably know it but they are contributors to my plan for a healthy lifestyle because I started making it a disciplined "thing" that we get together every Sunday (with flexibility for other engagements when necessary) and take turns making from-scratch meals.

So, they'll come to my house and eat zucchini noodles with Bolognese and sauteed spinach with garlic and pine nuts one week. The next we'll visit them for squash soup and salad greens. And they'll come back over for, well, last Sunday it was "Breakfast for dinner" so a big omelet and bacon and sausage and sweet potato hash and roasted asparagus (yes for dinner/breakfast) and so on.

I enjoy cooking for people and sharing meals. My in-laws are unsuspecting guinea pigs in my plan to live well on the weekends. I do really well making wholesome meals for us during the week but weekends can be hard. I get up super friggin' early to prep for our morning show then come home and need a nap before I can function the rest of the day...and wanting to cook can come with a huge BLAH feeling. Plus, I get a lot more comfortable with pushing phone buttons to hear "Golden China...may I help you?" when I'm exhausted.

So knowing I'll have them over gives me a burst of needed motivation to make something fun or new or well-liked in our home to share with them. Or knowing I get to go over there, not worry about what's in the food or how fat it's going to keep me because they are VERY well-disciplined health nuts makes me feel comforted. I don't need Golden China.

Plus, we started playing board games and/or watching movies afterward, just hanging out. I grew up with grandparents who I saw every weekend, did yard work with, had dinner with, played games and watched TV with or made crafts with - I spent all of Sunday with them and I do believe I've missed having that strong sense of family in my life (I live so far from my people!) Plus, this is something I get to give to my own kid: grandparent time.

Do you see how this idea just keeps getting more awesome?

I get to feel smart and make healthier choices and sort of benefit in all kinds of ways! Everybody does. That's the coolest thing.

Oh, My Ever-Living Headache!

Whoever said refined carbs don't cause high blood pressure is a wanker. Gary Taubes provides example in his book how simple sugars produce enzymes that kick ass not only in the pancreas but they can increase uric acid in the body's cells and boost salt absorption in the kidneys, too. Basically, carbs fuck you up - if you're someone with a body like mine.

My mom and grandmother were both Diabetic. I've been close to that diagnosis a few times but, so far, managed to wrangle myself away from the red zone by changing my diet. And then life things happen, like birthdays.

Rob's menu? Spaghetti and Meatballs. Garlic Bread. Cake. Ice Cream.

I snuck sauteed mushrooms into the sauce. I made a side dish of sauteed spinach and pine nuts with garlic and some balsamic. But, I had spaghetti, meatballs, garlic bread, cake and ice cream, too. I got away with it last night - not tired, not feeling poorly, doing pretty well alright aside from that FULL feeling that borders discomfort.

Today, though, I have an unfun headache and I hear the swoosh of blood moving when I recline or move a certain way.  So, back off Birthdays! I can't indulge like that anymore. I just can't. And if anyone tells you carbs can't spike your BP you tell them that's totally bullshit. Because, my head is hoping I'm done with the carbs bender of a birthday we had yesterday....and I haven't felt this kind of ick since the cheesey potato incident of 2011..

High blood sugar holds hands with high blood pressure.  My head can guarantee it.

I'm a Mad Woman!

Evilbrain surgery was postponed because my daughter finally, albeit inconveniently, decided to follow my advice to see her doctor because she was feeling persistent nausea. Not wishing to miss the opportunity to get her in, I pushed my counseling visit with Cara to this week. Tomorrow, actually.

Thankfully, my girl is feeling better. She is a self-propelled vegetarian (read: PASTA-tarian) and her blood work requires iron supplements and B-12 vitamins. Because she's closer to adulthood, she is a lot more pushy and/or resistant to my concerns but she finally felt bad enough to see her doc. All good, too! She was ordered to ramp up her protein intake and to consult with a nutritionist regularly.

I am so pleased to report that she chose to see my nutritionist (Ivana of Yourishment) rather than anyone her doc would supply. That says a LOT about Ivana. Good work, Ivana! So far, increased protein is helping a whole bunch, by the way. Okay, so this visit with Cara tomorrow may be tough, but I need it.

This week has been so tricky because I...well, I realized I am depressed. I can't say I am clinically so, but I would believe it if someone diagnosed me. I'm just so up and down emotionally. I was high functioning one day yet couldn't even figure out what to do with myself the next.

I have not been able to think of my mom without crying - not even when sharing good memories - and no matter how many times I say she died, has died, is dead, has passed away, is gone...it does not get any easier. I sort of thought repetition would help me - that just being blunt, the way that I am, would help me with this overwhelming reality. It doesn't.

Every time I think of my mother being dead (or alive, which leads to thinking of her being dead) I feel a rock in my stomach. I feel unquenchable ache in my throat and chest. I feel nervous. I feel need. To curb my pain, I eat food. Worse, I eat easy-to-digest, easy-to-get or easy-to-make, quick-to-satisfy food. You know the type: Carbs. Uh-huh, and my next favorite food: melted cheese.

So, while my mind is so jazzed up and ready to not stay on the path which will lead me to a similar fate as my mother...my heart is so deeply struggling with despair and want. And my behavior is to soothe the hurt. I am rational enough to know these small fixes are not actually helping me - that they are just appeasing me moment to moment. Picture me drowning and reaching for reeds that pull out of the riverbank instead of sturdy branches that reach out to me.

With Cara's help, I am hoping to see a way around or out of this stupidity - this knowing what I'm doing to myself yet doing it anyway, this foolishness crap that hurts me just as significantly as the death of my mother does. I want to know how to overcome madness, because that's what this addiction is. It's madness.

How'm I Doin?

Diet-wise, pretty well considering I'm in MA and old habits creep in very easily when I'm here. It's tough to refrain from old favorites like Venus pizza and Marcello's meatball subs, but I have avoided both pretty well. Didn't go to Mia's for pasta either - but I diiiiiid indulge in Peaceful Meadow's ice cream for my lunch today and my body told me (in no uncertain terms) not to do that again.

Being off of simple carbs and sugar for over six weeks means that a reintroduction can prove ugly for your GI tract - just FYI, no photos here. 

I am feeling the need to eat more veggies though. Eating on the go, as I am right now, it is tough to find good, green vegetables that aren't BROCCOLI every meal. Salads get boring.... so can't wait to go home and fix normal food again. Seriously.

When going home day is...I still don't know.

I had a good day, all told. I was able to do some laundry, met my mom's lawyer, got a whole bunch of stuff sorted out as far as her assets and income and what to do with what because mom has made it clear I should prepare for a time she won't be with me any more. I hate the very thought of it.

Tuesday, she took her rings off her fingers and made me take them, which nauseates me still. I know she is doing this to have peace of mind about stuff and to make sure she gives people what she wants them to have but I'm not -ready-. I want my mom still.

I've not cried as much lately because I feel like the hospital she is in is very good with her, very attentive, and I don't have to worry as much about her safety. Tomorrow we'll see a renal specialist and know a little bit more about their treatment options. Seems before she even has her heart valve looked at...they have to help her get her kidneys back to good. We are all hoping they can be. Hoping, praying, hoping, praying.

How YOU doin?  I really want to know.

Fuck, you know?

I have had three or four blog posts ready to write and now that I have access to a real computer with a working keyboard AND there's internet access...I cannot think of what to relay. 

I am staying south of Boston while my mom is in a city CCU with ultra filtration machine tubes stickin out of her neck. I spend 4-9 hours a day in the unit with her or wandering the hospital while procedures are done and I'm allowed back in.

The spin I'm in is....incredible to say the least.

1 week ago, I was standing in front of my classmates in a New York retreat center's chapel, eyes closed, heart wide open, mind quiet, emotions swelling, with a pair of hands on my shoulderss and another pair in my own, acceptin the appointment to treat God's people (meaning everyone I meet) with love and understanding.

I got ordained! It felt right to do - GOOD to do - smart to do...and authorized by God himself since I'd questioned time after time whether I should go through with it and become a real minister....and verses aimed me at Yes, do it. Yes.

Minutes after receiving the appointment to minister, I listened to my voicemail on my phone. My uncle was ranting about my mom's condition and told me to get to Boston right away. I called mom who told me to "graduate first" on Sunday...and I did, then she was admitted to the ER and I was driving to Boston from New York.

I do not know if docs can help my mom. I am not feeling great with my husband - not fighting just not feeling supported in what is the hardest time of my life. I miss my daughter who is at camp. I am in a hotel room for lack of a place close enough to mom to stay...where I wouldn't impose on anyone.  I am mostly alone and handling things like a weepy, over-sensitive loner with no direction.

1 week ago I had direction.

This week, there is a threat of losing my mom to CHF for good. I hit a car in a parking garage (fender scrape) and left my info with the office ppl there. I pissed off my husband for wanting to spend $30 more a night on a different hotel that didn't suck so much. My kid is afraid to get calls from me at camp cause her grandmother's in such bad shape. My GOOD knee has gone funky and is unstable. I walk funnier!  I have a bazillion things to do from home that I can't do from here. I am missing my job. I am missing my work, even. I can't do any of what I feel responsible for work-wise from here. I want to go home. I want to be with my mom. I want to sleep til it's all good again.

I feel sad. Very sad.

The good news is I am somehow still making very good food  choices. Maybe due to my mom being so so compromised.

I read my bible and pray and cry and pray.

That's...where I'm at. I hope you are OK.

The Sum of all These Parts

Cara (she's the therapist I recently hired to help figure out my fat-friendly brain wiring) has been able to help me comprehend how a number of circumstances relative to my childhood contributed to the body which burdens me today.

I don't have the energy to write explanations at length tonight. I just wanted you to know that wonderful things are happening. I am starting to believe I can figure out why the hell I sabotage myself when it comes to success like weight loss....but not JUST figure it out...I just might be able to quit doing that and get on with feeling awesome. And able. And strong. RAR.

You Might Want an Update.

Since I've been gone....

My mom's health has declined significantly. I am doing my best to work with doctors, nurses, clergy and others to somehow encourage her to try. She has a window of opportunity to choose to thrive or just exist in the state she is in now for her remaining years. months. weeks.

My cat has died. And as hard as it was to watch Crackers pass away, I'm glad we were home with him and tended to him. His death was heartbreaking, tender.

My big dog has survived major surgery. Simon doesn't know it, but he's probably the biggest light in our year so far - having made it through a very very complicated surgery. He still has some complications, but we're giving him love.

My littler dog has a bowel problem that may indicate a mass, but vets are cautious in diagnosing just yet (maybe because we have already been through so much?)

My mom's business has continued; though its financial situation is still a mystery. I am hoping to secure a lawyer who will help us figure that out.

My mom's personal bills keep coming in and one by one I'm doing what I can to pay them off with her minor income and my own paychecks. At times I have to use savings to make sure bigger things are taken care of, like homeowners insurance and stuff.

What am I doing for me...

Well, I am not dieting. I've gone back to a carbs-heavy, fast-food lifestyle. I am not "as bad" as I used to be, being more conscious of what I am doing every time I order at the drive thru and every time I shove carbs in my mouth....but I am still doing it and I know I am addicted to them. I want to go back to not eating them so heavily and readily, and go back to preparing meals more regularly for myself and my family, too.

I am not going to the gym. If you ate as many carbs as an addict as I have, you wouldn't be able to either. I sleep midday instead. I crash and I sleep.

I've made attempts to change back to the lots of greens, protein & high fats way of living, and I keep on trying to....and rushing through life, trying to handle too much gets me grabbing for what's easy: fast, processed crap.

But my mind knows this is not ok. My body doesn't FEEL good doing it. I can feel pounds adding back on - to my legs especially.

I'm not doing my homework - or wasn't - because I hadn't the energy or will to get it done.

Drastic times, drastic measures.

This is a fight. For my life.

So, I've asked for some time off from work - reduced a couple of days a week - to get myself "on track" however I can. I will begin with homework and cooking meals at home that I can bring with me to and from work and stuff - having food ready to heat and eat is what made me so successful prior to mid-January.

Small goals are what work for me, so if I can manage to get dinners to be carb-free (have been doing all this week) I will move on to fixing breakfasts. I know that once I've got this shit out of my system I will have no problem exercising.

Beginning again sucks. But the alternative is to be in bed like my mother.

Achey Me.

We're spending one on one time with Crackers (our cat) whenever we feel we can. He's up for being cuddled just a little. Mostly he wants to sit on his own, tucked away in the restroom on a towel I doubled up for him. He's moving pretty slowly and the phases our vet explained would happen are taking place. It's troubling letting your pet die on his own; yet, none of us is able to give a go ahead for euthanizing him. Either choice is a hard one...but we're pretty resolved to try comfort measures right now.

I feel bad for the times when he would hop up to be in my way and get some loving that I pushed him off or set him aside so he wouldn't be a nuisance or get in the way of what I was doing. Granted, I didn't do so EVERY time, but the times I did were pretty ignorant of me. It was only a few weeks ago. His decline has been rapid - too rapid - and heartbreaking, but we're trying to give him the dignity we'd give any one of our relatives who is dying by loving him the best we can while he's still among us.

It's the first we've ever done this. In the past, we've had a cat and two dogs who died very unexpectedly so there was no goodbye time, no extra TLC, no being with them through the scary part.

The vet believes Crackers understands what is happening and is doing what comes naturally to cats. We just love him so much.

I've had a horrible time with food all over again - and my ambition is half-hearted with just about everything. I'm sure some of it comes from worrying about and mourning my cat and some of it comes from worrying about my mom and stressing over her world of issues and some of it comes from that lonely feeling that happens when you realize at the bottom of your bottom there is no one to pull you out - it is really up to you and whatever faith you can muster.

If I didn't believe in God, I'd be an even deeper mess. But, I do. I really do. And I pray that we are doing what is right for Crackers and that we are being respectful as we hang with him these last days.

Plea.

Okay, so, it's not hard to realize I'm in trouble with my diet. I believe that I'm resorting to high fats/heavy foods/carbs & sweets because I'm too stressed out. I know the gym will help with stress - as will time - but I need to stop this like right now. I keep resorting to horrible choices and have zero energy to put into cooking or making something better. I don't want to screw up all the good work I've done! I had lost 50 pounds but it won't take much to gain it back at this rate. My rational mind is well aware of this. My emotions have taken over and when it comes to food, I find myself thinking "eff it" and putting healthier choices on hiatus. I'm writing this because I want to stop hurting myself - I am not intentionally hurting myself - and I need help. An anchor. Something. Mental reboot?

So much for vacationing!

A few days before Christmas, I started eating sugary things. I'd eat a cookie here, a cupcake there, toss in a little candy and Christmas started feeling like an opportunity to go for the sweets I can (and do) usually pass by.

We had two cookie-making days at my house during which gobs of kids made piles of cookies. Some were taken home but a lot of them stayed here. I've been packing cookies for folks at work and other places ever since - to the protest of my child who wants them all to stay right here in our house.

"I've been spacing them out, not eating them all at once, and you're giving them all away!!"

I'm not giving them all away, though. I'm eating some of them, just grazing, while looking in the fridge for something edible, so I want them out and away from me. Rar! Yet, I understand her feelings. She did make them and all. Part of me says we are all better off without them around anyhow and then there's that want to let my kid have her cookies thing that comes into play.

Either way, I've decided I will still give away cookies, but moderately so she has time to eat some, and I'll also stay away from them from here on out. Christmas is ended, though its spirit remains, and I want to get back on track for a couple of reasons:

Sugar really does cause a blood pressure spike for me.

I have had headaches so many times this week...and I can find nothing else to blame for it.

I am hungry...all the time. I keep needing food. Without simple carbs and sugar in my diet, I feel hungry regularly but not constantly. I went from having a reasonable schedule to grazing more and more.

I am tired all the time and not sleeping well.

I know I've gained weight. I don't even want to look at how much.

My physical ability is already beginning to shrink. I get tired fast. I get sore, too. Screw this!!



So, it's out of my life again. This feels a lot like quitting smoking does where, if you go back to it, you run the risk of not being able to put it down.

But, my mind is full of belief that I can quit sugar again, so here I go. I am not skipping the gym this week as I'd intended (cause I am feeling both guilty and tired). I am going.

Beginning today. Every time I was hungry today, I stayed sugar-free in my "picking" of foods. It may take me a little while to get back to where I was, and with such momentum, but I will do it. And I am going to get ready for that SEAL team training, too. I won't be starting tomorrow; however, another class begins the first week of February. I want on that bus. :)

On the downside

The great part of losing weight is feeling so good and having some confidence in the future of my body - at least to what extent we each have control. On the downside, there are going to be things I didn't necessarily expect. Like wrinkles. I am forty-one and until now have had such a youthful face, hardly a wrinkle to show for my years...and now that I am losing weight, there are fine little lines around my mouth and eyes that didn't used to be there. I have considered whether it is possible to have a fat face and still get my body down to svelte shape. I liked seeming younger. I don't dare ask anyone how old they think I am now! I may be exaggerating because these are new to me, but I stare at them in the mirror in my car when at a stoplight or whatever...and I think to myself "how?" and "why?" and "who says I can have wrinkles?" because I didn't give permission for that. What's up with this, face?

Recently, I heard someone say they knew they were gaining weight when they couldn't see their wrinkles anymore. I was like "....." and then I looked at me and WHOA. I don't look twenty-three. Forgive me while I pout and make some frown lines.

In weight loss news, I'm almost at a 50 pound loss. Almost. The scale wanted to give it to me but the number wouldn't stay, so I am at 49 lbs down today. Maybe by weigh-in Wednesday I'll get to 50 pounds off. Wouldn't that be cool?

zero. zilch. three pounds spent!

I'm up three this week. I'm okay with that since I had a pretty full weekend of rich foods. Onward and downward, right? I also think I've got to get more greens in than I've been doing. The whole "how to incorporate more greens" issue keeps coming up with me. First, because I really, really dislike greens. Second, because I don't want them for breakfast...I already have some for dinner usually...and I don't want any at lunch. I have a feeling it would help a lot to include them, though. Something about roughage and fiber...I-dunno. *grin* Onward and downward, my friend.

I've got some things to share about my mom...but it hurts a little to talk about so I will think things over awhile then write what I've been thinking/learning. Love in the meantime!

Whiney Gym Day

I didn't want to go to the gym today, but I'm glad I went. It's been two weeks since my last visit because I've let a heap of moping take precedence over fulfilling my exercise obligations. I could wah-wah-wah to you for a while and tick off a list reasons for neglecting to go, but let's not. I'm a smart woman. If there is a reason to not go, I can find it and cling to it like a bug on a blade of grass in a windstorm.

I went. And in the weeks I've missed I've lost some momentum and strength so I had to start ....well, not at the beginning. I am still in far better shape than I was when I first walked into the fitness center and asked Barb for help. So, today I began with a setback, but it wasn't awful.

Previously, I'd worked up to walking a mile and a quarter. Today, I walked three quarters of a mile. If I can walk a mile by Sunday I can be back on track  I'm not so certain I will make the Women's 4-Miler; however, I agreed to train as if it's still going to happen.

"The worst that can happen is that you can walk two miles," Barb said. She's right. I can't let the overwhelming goal of four miles stop me from getting to two. Imagine if I could walk two miles, three times a week? Today showed me that I have the right stuff...it just is going to take time. I have to remember when I couldn't even walk one mile any day of the week and see what I'm doing now as a pretty good accomplishment.

I stayed at a pretty slow pace (slower than I actually wanted to walk) but was able to keep annoying knee pain between 3-4 on a scale of 10 for the entire time. Good news, that.