Still Plugging...

You already know that I'm changing my life. My efforts derailed while my mom was in the hospital and I'm still not where I was before mom died...in terms of mindset, ambition and discipline. I'm getting there. I'm getting myself there.

What stings like the tip of a needle is a realization that, at the loss of my parent, no matter how sucky or frustrating she was at times, I am alone to do what things I need to do for my body and mind and spirit. It's difficult to loosen apron strings to someone whose life presence was a touchstone for my own. Sometimes I want to tie them tighter yet.  I want my Mommy.

There's an identity I've come to know while being her kid - a team-like feel I've held through the hell of weight gain, shredded self esteem, and rising phoenix-like from ashes to bask in joy-filled success. It's what we do, we humans. We are made to.

Having my head cheerleader mom to stick around through all of my stuff was precious to me. Having to be her head cheerleader was a hideous burden to me. One day I may appreciate that I could be. Right now, I feel the unfairness of being left alone and a responsibility to myself to kick out of the ashes knowing she isn't watching me. Or if she is, I won't get her feedback. The world around us won't receive her emails telling of my good deed or whatever.

I'd consider my feelings selfish if I didn't recognize this as a deeply childlike need of mine to have my mother. I'd even suck it up and cheer lead back to have her in my world.

I don't post a ton because I am drifting day-to-day...meanwhile setting myself up for success by hosting specialty groups via @meetup and working with a local media group to secure my intention to get back to weight loss work. I'm finding ways to cheer lead my own life. I don't like it as much...but I, being so accustomed to the "My Wen" of her voice and the bazillion email responses she forwards from friends telling her she has a great kid, I need to have that.

I considered being ashamed (only for a second). I'm not ashamed. I love attention and sharing everything I can. So, I'm going to. And I hope my mom can see. And I hope I get a "My Wen" whenever we meet up. Just the facts, Jack.

Fuck, you know?

I have had three or four blog posts ready to write and now that I have access to a real computer with a working keyboard AND there's internet access...I cannot think of what to relay. 

I am staying south of Boston while my mom is in a city CCU with ultra filtration machine tubes stickin out of her neck. I spend 4-9 hours a day in the unit with her or wandering the hospital while procedures are done and I'm allowed back in.

The spin I'm in is....incredible to say the least.

1 week ago, I was standing in front of my classmates in a New York retreat center's chapel, eyes closed, heart wide open, mind quiet, emotions swelling, with a pair of hands on my shoulderss and another pair in my own, acceptin the appointment to treat God's people (meaning everyone I meet) with love and understanding.

I got ordained! It felt right to do - GOOD to do - smart to do...and authorized by God himself since I'd questioned time after time whether I should go through with it and become a real minister....and verses aimed me at Yes, do it. Yes.

Minutes after receiving the appointment to minister, I listened to my voicemail on my phone. My uncle was ranting about my mom's condition and told me to get to Boston right away. I called mom who told me to "graduate first" on Sunday...and I did, then she was admitted to the ER and I was driving to Boston from New York.

I do not know if docs can help my mom. I am not feeling great with my husband - not fighting just not feeling supported in what is the hardest time of my life. I miss my daughter who is at camp. I am in a hotel room for lack of a place close enough to mom to stay...where I wouldn't impose on anyone.  I am mostly alone and handling things like a weepy, over-sensitive loner with no direction.

1 week ago I had direction.

This week, there is a threat of losing my mom to CHF for good. I hit a car in a parking garage (fender scrape) and left my info with the office ppl there. I pissed off my husband for wanting to spend $30 more a night on a different hotel that didn't suck so much. My kid is afraid to get calls from me at camp cause her grandmother's in such bad shape. My GOOD knee has gone funky and is unstable. I walk funnier!  I have a bazillion things to do from home that I can't do from here. I am missing my job. I am missing my work, even. I can't do any of what I feel responsible for work-wise from here. I want to go home. I want to be with my mom. I want to sleep til it's all good again.

I feel sad. Very sad.

The good news is I am somehow still making very good food  choices. Maybe due to my mom being so so compromised.

I read my bible and pray and cry and pray.

That's...where I'm at. I hope you are OK.