My Mother is Dying

So here is what I would like to try to do:

Step One.

Get water and sand from her favorite beach - the one she has wanted to go to for over a year and has not been physically able to.  Get paint pans. Get a plastic sheet of some kind.

Step Two.

Find her Alabama and Josh Turner and other country CD's and a CD player.

Step Three.

Invite guests (everybody who wants to be there) to her private room.

Step Four.

Have her sedation lowered as much as possible so she can be with us.

Step Five.

Play music. Enjoy friends and family. Stick mom's feet in the sand-and-water-filled-paint-pans-ocean.

Step Six.

Make sure she knows she is loved loved loved loved loved. LOVED.

Alabama Beach Party, go.

I don't get called "party cat" for nothing.  I hope she'll stick around long enough to let me do it.

Where've I Been?

If you remember, I thought it might be a good thing to see about some kind of therapy to help me succeed in my weight loss. I'm not on Biggest Loser where I can look Bob in the face and WAH my woes. Sometimes I feel so good about life and how things are going that I don't feel like I have any woes. But something keeps me fat, and it isn't my want for health that does it. So, I've taken a detour from my low carbs diet (which I repeatedly-yet-unhappily sabotaged) and I started talking to Cara (pron. CARuh). She's introduced me to some pretty whacky shit - like mandalas and drawing and is integrating music and meditation into our sessions.

While doing weird things feels strange, the experience seems to be helpful. I can better put words to it a little bit later. Right now I'm full of feelings and thoughts that I can't comfortably articulate, but I've missed blogging and I've missed your presence and comments and I've missed feeling INCREDIBLE and awesome - that's how I felt living low carb.

I have some mental and emotional work to do if I want the things Ivana is/has been teaching me to "stick" and become my lifestyle...and because I do want to live comfortably in my skin, I'm going to keep seeing Cara. And I'm going to be in touch with Ivana, my nuritionist, because I've not been very much. And I may even get back to seeing Barb when I'm ready.

I could just keep going and stopping, going and stopping, going and stopping and take both Barb and Ivana on the ride with me, but I fear I'd wear them out as much as I wear myself out. They've both proven willing to hang with me through success and failure alike - just like you have. I don't want to take any of us for a ride, though. I want to stop screwing up what's good and enjoy that. Easy right?