So here is what I would like to try to do:
Step One.
Get water and sand from her favorite beach - the one she has wanted to go to for over a year and has not been physically able to. Get paint pans. Get a plastic sheet of some kind.
Step Two.
Find her Alabama and Josh Turner and other country CD's and a CD player.
Step Three.
Invite guests (everybody who wants to be there) to her private room.
Step Four.
Have her sedation lowered as much as possible so she can be with us.
Step Five.
Play music. Enjoy friends and family. Stick mom's feet in the sand-and-water-filled-paint-pans-ocean.
Step Six.
Make sure she knows she is loved loved loved loved loved. LOVED.
Alabama Beach Party, go.
I don't get called "party cat" for nothing. I hope she'll stick around long enough to let me do it.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
How'm I Doin?
Diet-wise, pretty well considering I'm in MA and old habits creep in very easily when I'm here. It's tough to refrain from old favorites like Venus pizza and Marcello's meatball subs, but I have avoided both pretty well. Didn't go to Mia's for pasta either - but I diiiiiid indulge in Peaceful Meadow's ice cream for my lunch today and my body told me (in no uncertain terms) not to do that again.
Being off of simple carbs and sugar for over six weeks means that a reintroduction can prove ugly for your GI tract - just FYI, no photos here.
I am feeling the need to eat more veggies though. Eating on the go, as I am right now, it is tough to find good, green vegetables that aren't BROCCOLI every meal. Salads get boring.... so can't wait to go home and fix normal food again. Seriously.
When going home day is...I still don't know.
I had a good day, all told. I was able to do some laundry, met my mom's lawyer, got a whole bunch of stuff sorted out as far as her assets and income and what to do with what because mom has made it clear I should prepare for a time she won't be with me any more. I hate the very thought of it.
Tuesday, she took her rings off her fingers and made me take them, which nauseates me still. I know she is doing this to have peace of mind about stuff and to make sure she gives people what she wants them to have but I'm not -ready-. I want my mom still.
I've not cried as much lately because I feel like the hospital she is in is very good with her, very attentive, and I don't have to worry as much about her safety. Tomorrow we'll see a renal specialist and know a little bit more about their treatment options. Seems before she even has her heart valve looked at...they have to help her get her kidneys back to good. We are all hoping they can be. Hoping, praying, hoping, praying.
How YOU doin? I really want to know.
Being off of simple carbs and sugar for over six weeks means that a reintroduction can prove ugly for your GI tract - just FYI, no photos here.
I am feeling the need to eat more veggies though. Eating on the go, as I am right now, it is tough to find good, green vegetables that aren't BROCCOLI every meal. Salads get boring.... so can't wait to go home and fix normal food again. Seriously.
When going home day is...I still don't know.
I had a good day, all told. I was able to do some laundry, met my mom's lawyer, got a whole bunch of stuff sorted out as far as her assets and income and what to do with what because mom has made it clear I should prepare for a time she won't be with me any more. I hate the very thought of it.
Tuesday, she took her rings off her fingers and made me take them, which nauseates me still. I know she is doing this to have peace of mind about stuff and to make sure she gives people what she wants them to have but I'm not -ready-. I want my mom still.
I've not cried as much lately because I feel like the hospital she is in is very good with her, very attentive, and I don't have to worry as much about her safety. Tomorrow we'll see a renal specialist and know a little bit more about their treatment options. Seems before she even has her heart valve looked at...they have to help her get her kidneys back to good. We are all hoping they can be. Hoping, praying, hoping, praying.
How YOU doin? I really want to know.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Fuck, you know?
I have had three or four blog posts ready to write and now that I have access to a real computer with a working keyboard AND there's internet access...I cannot think of what to relay.
I am staying south of Boston while my mom is in a city CCU with ultra filtration machine tubes stickin out of her neck. I spend 4-9 hours a day in the unit with her or wandering the hospital while procedures are done and I'm allowed back in.
The spin I'm in is....incredible to say the least.
1 week ago, I was standing in front of my classmates in a New York retreat center's chapel, eyes closed, heart wide open, mind quiet, emotions swelling, with a pair of hands on my shoulderss and another pair in my own, acceptin the appointment to treat God's people (meaning everyone I meet) with love and understanding.
I got ordained! It felt right to do - GOOD to do - smart to do...and authorized by God himself since I'd questioned time after time whether I should go through with it and become a real minister....and verses aimed me at Yes, do it. Yes.
Minutes after receiving the appointment to minister, I listened to my voicemail on my phone. My uncle was ranting about my mom's condition and told me to get to Boston right away. I called mom who told me to "graduate first" on Sunday...and I did, then she was admitted to the ER and I was driving to Boston from New York.
I do not know if docs can help my mom. I am not feeling great with my husband - not fighting just not feeling supported in what is the hardest time of my life. I miss my daughter who is at camp. I am in a hotel room for lack of a place close enough to mom to stay...where I wouldn't impose on anyone. I am mostly alone and handling things like a weepy, over-sensitive loner with no direction.
1 week ago I had direction.
This week, there is a threat of losing my mom to CHF for good. I hit a car in a parking garage (fender scrape) and left my info with the office ppl there. I pissed off my husband for wanting to spend $30 more a night on a different hotel that didn't suck so much. My kid is afraid to get calls from me at camp cause her grandmother's in such bad shape. My GOOD knee has gone funky and is unstable. I walk funnier! I have a bazillion things to do from home that I can't do from here. I am missing my job. I am missing my work, even. I can't do any of what I feel responsible for work-wise from here. I want to go home. I want to be with my mom. I want to sleep til it's all good again.
I feel sad. Very sad.
The good news is I am somehow still making very good food choices. Maybe due to my mom being so so compromised.
I read my bible and pray and cry and pray.
That's...where I'm at. I hope you are OK.
I am staying south of Boston while my mom is in a city CCU with ultra filtration machine tubes stickin out of her neck. I spend 4-9 hours a day in the unit with her or wandering the hospital while procedures are done and I'm allowed back in.
The spin I'm in is....incredible to say the least.
1 week ago, I was standing in front of my classmates in a New York retreat center's chapel, eyes closed, heart wide open, mind quiet, emotions swelling, with a pair of hands on my shoulderss and another pair in my own, acceptin the appointment to treat God's people (meaning everyone I meet) with love and understanding.
I got ordained! It felt right to do - GOOD to do - smart to do...and authorized by God himself since I'd questioned time after time whether I should go through with it and become a real minister....and verses aimed me at Yes, do it. Yes.
Minutes after receiving the appointment to minister, I listened to my voicemail on my phone. My uncle was ranting about my mom's condition and told me to get to Boston right away. I called mom who told me to "graduate first" on Sunday...and I did, then she was admitted to the ER and I was driving to Boston from New York.
I do not know if docs can help my mom. I am not feeling great with my husband - not fighting just not feeling supported in what is the hardest time of my life. I miss my daughter who is at camp. I am in a hotel room for lack of a place close enough to mom to stay...where I wouldn't impose on anyone. I am mostly alone and handling things like a weepy, over-sensitive loner with no direction.
1 week ago I had direction.
This week, there is a threat of losing my mom to CHF for good. I hit a car in a parking garage (fender scrape) and left my info with the office ppl there. I pissed off my husband for wanting to spend $30 more a night on a different hotel that didn't suck so much. My kid is afraid to get calls from me at camp cause her grandmother's in such bad shape. My GOOD knee has gone funky and is unstable. I walk funnier! I have a bazillion things to do from home that I can't do from here. I am missing my job. I am missing my work, even. I can't do any of what I feel responsible for work-wise from here. I want to go home. I want to be with my mom. I want to sleep til it's all good again.
I feel sad. Very sad.
The good news is I am somehow still making very good food choices. Maybe due to my mom being so so compromised.
I read my bible and pray and cry and pray.
That's...where I'm at. I hope you are OK.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Why You Should Name This Otter "Wendell"
I. Love. Otters.
That's really all you need to know; however, if you need convincing that "Wendell" is not only the appropriate name for the newest addition to the VA Beach Aquarium, it is the BEST name he could have. Here's why:
My cousin Ann has ten kids. I've been trying to convince her to name her child "Wendy" or "Wendell" since her third was born. No go. Not even as a middle. (Can you believe that?!) But, no matter, I believe I have a very nice name. It reminds people of Peter Pan and...and...and....hamburgers!
Aside from the really poor decision-making on my cousin's part, I've always wanted a namesake. And along comes this opportunity to name the new baby otter...any name in the whole wide world....and folks are piling up to call him BENEDICT.
I'm sure they have their reasons, but stay with me, please. "...the animal was so young when he was found, he became dependent on human care and it was determined he could not be released into the wild." Look! He has abandonment issues. OMG, me, too! He is co-dependent. OMG - Me, too! He's super cute! I can be sometimes.... :)
He likes attention. Check!
He's in the media. Check!
He loves to swim. WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!
I want you to go to this website, scroll to the comments and type in "Wendell" because this baby otter deserves a good name. One that means "great friend" and doesn't rhyme with SCHMENEDICT. And because he has already made a friend of me. And because I love him unconditionally (just because he is an otter!) And because you are my friend and you want me to have my very own Otter (since this is the closest I will likely get to having one ever.)
And you should vote for the name "Wendell" because he will like his name very much.
Vote here: http://youotterknow.com/help-us-name-the-little-guy/
Thank you.
Join my campaign @wendytime on twitter! And check out this incredible documentary Otter 501 which I am trying to get screened in the city of Charlottesville.
That's really all you need to know; however, if you need convincing that "Wendell" is not only the appropriate name for the newest addition to the VA Beach Aquarium, it is the BEST name he could have. Here's why:
My cousin Ann has ten kids. I've been trying to convince her to name her child "Wendy" or "Wendell" since her third was born. No go. Not even as a middle. (Can you believe that?!) But, no matter, I believe I have a very nice name. It reminds people of Peter Pan and...and...and....hamburgers!
Aside from the really poor decision-making on my cousin's part, I've always wanted a namesake. And along comes this opportunity to name the new baby otter...any name in the whole wide world....and folks are piling up to call him BENEDICT.
I'm sure they have their reasons, but stay with me, please. "...the animal was so young when he was found, he became dependent on human care and it was determined he could not be released into the wild." Look! He has abandonment issues. OMG, me, too! He is co-dependent. OMG - Me, too! He's super cute! I can be sometimes.... :)
He likes attention. Check!
He's in the media. Check!
He loves to swim. WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!
I want you to go to this website, scroll to the comments and type in "Wendell" because this baby otter deserves a good name. One that means "great friend" and doesn't rhyme with SCHMENEDICT. And because he has already made a friend of me. And because I love him unconditionally (just because he is an otter!) And because you are my friend and you want me to have my very own Otter (since this is the closest I will likely get to having one ever.)
And you should vote for the name "Wendell" because he will like his name very much.
Vote here: http://youotterknow.com/help-us-name-the-little-guy/
Thank you.
Join my campaign @wendytime on twitter! And check out this incredible documentary Otter 501 which I am trying to get screened in the city of Charlottesville.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
To "Me"...or not to "Me"
If you follow my sporadic blog postings then you know my mom is very ill. I have wrestled with my feelings about her decline in health. A few months ago, I came to the uninspiring conclusion that I have to lower my expectations of my mom. Her ability to change her situation still has a small window; however, she controls her life, not me. And while I'm busy fretting over her life, I am forgetting mine...and how quickly and easily I could be in assisted living if I don't change my own situation.
It's a lot easier to support someone I love than it is to support myself. Why? Because I don't have to do the work. I can be all the great things I like about myself: smart, caring, thoughtful, full of ideas, fun, helpful, a good listener, ready with a shoulder rub or a back rub or a pep talk on those not-so-great days...and I still don't have to do any of the actual work. All the reward, none of the honest-to-God effort.
Do I want to gyp myself? To do so will mean a hospital bed and three people helping me get out of it just to use the commode. Or worse: staying in bed to soil it because I don't have the energy to push the call button let alone get up.
This is a reality, a probability. The proof is my own mom. I am not so far from being where she is, really. The difference between where she is and where I am is only a matter of years.
I've wanted her to change that for herself so much I was willing to do it FOR her. So what's my deal? Can I micromanage serious life change for my mom...but not for me?
The more I listen to my mom talk about her new world of assisted living, the more urgently I want to care about myself. That's why I am in counseling. That's why I pay attention to my habits. That's why I keep equipping myself with ways to change what I'm doing and how I'm being and feeling and align myself with people who make health their own priority and others whose example or presence makes me want to be even more accountable.
I am micromanaging serious life change for myself now. I can't do my mom's work, and that breaks my heart, but I can do mine....and that could very well save it.
It's a lot easier to support someone I love than it is to support myself. Why? Because I don't have to do the work. I can be all the great things I like about myself: smart, caring, thoughtful, full of ideas, fun, helpful, a good listener, ready with a shoulder rub or a back rub or a pep talk on those not-so-great days...and I still don't have to do any of the actual work. All the reward, none of the honest-to-God effort.
Do I want to gyp myself? To do so will mean a hospital bed and three people helping me get out of it just to use the commode. Or worse: staying in bed to soil it because I don't have the energy to push the call button let alone get up.
This is a reality, a probability. The proof is my own mom. I am not so far from being where she is, really. The difference between where she is and where I am is only a matter of years.
I've wanted her to change that for herself so much I was willing to do it FOR her. So what's my deal? Can I micromanage serious life change for my mom...but not for me?
The more I listen to my mom talk about her new world of assisted living, the more urgently I want to care about myself. That's why I am in counseling. That's why I pay attention to my habits. That's why I keep equipping myself with ways to change what I'm doing and how I'm being and feeling and align myself with people who make health their own priority and others whose example or presence makes me want to be even more accountable.
I am micromanaging serious life change for myself now. I can't do my mom's work, and that breaks my heart, but I can do mine....and that could very well save it.
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