Woulda Been "Wendy's Red Kitchen"

I am feeling out of sorts because I've come to the inevitable decision to have our vet take a, possibly final, look at our long-loved family dog to see if she feels what I fear is true: It's time. I wanted this post to be positive and jovial, the way my kitchen feels when I am in it, but I am maudlin and resentful for having the option to euthanize my dog. I sort of wish I didn't have the option....but then he'd deteriorate and be in more and more pain which is a big soul suck of a thing to see.

So, I'm going to postpone the post about my kitchen and post this in exchange. If you could keep us and Simon in your hearts over the next few days especially...thanks.

If You Could Change Your Story

What if some of the most defining moments of your life are ones that have you in a holding pattern? What if the true story you remind yourself and others about is what allows depression to consume you? What if your whole truth could be squeezed and pressed and processed and, from it, you could extract a single drop of a substance so powerful it could change your memory from one of pain to one of remarkable strength?

Ladies and Gentlemen: There are no known statistics for what I am about to attempt. This is a feat so daring, so death-defying, you may not believe your eyes. I, Wendy the Beautiful, will revisit a very painful, very role-defining, time in my life and I will change the outcome.

"How?" you ask. "This is a trick!" you say. "Why, it's only the power of suggestion at work," you murmur to yourself and to your neighbor, but I say this: I will not remain the victim of cruel people who could not have bothered with courtesy toward a scared and innocent child. I will no longer say to myself, "I can't believe they did this to me." I will not turn to you and gasp, "Can you believe they did this to me?!?!"

It no longer matters what they did. It matters how I reacted - and how I've continued to react through all time.

Can I take one of the most excruciatingly frustrating, sorrowful, humiliating experiences of my life and, with the superhuman strength of a tight fist, milk a droplet - a tiny dewdrop of a thing - of dignity from it? I believe I can.

First, I will have to retell you this story:

My Tip Jar

Maybe if I treat my blog like a New Year tip jar I will update frequently enough. I am willing to try!

So, here I am. I have managed to lose 1 pound in a year. One. Yep. I'll not go over how I feel about that because I know you can fill in for me. I don't feel any differently than you would.  So, I lost one pound ultimately in 2013. I lost several pounds over and over and over, just did not keep them off.

I am still in the U.Va. study to monitor blood glucose and learn to handle Diabetes the way it really has to be. I wish there were other ways...like anyone who has to jab her finger 6 or more times a day and then DO something about the results she sees...but I'm able to accept that taking care of this is an unchanging, unyielding process.

I started a TOPS group  in May and have been its leader all the while - which makes the loss of one total pound for the year all kinds of embarrassing. I am facing it, though, and with a deep breath am going to keep to staying positive and keep going to my meetings and keep starting over. Eventually, something has to click. Right?

I'm about to teach sedentary people how to move their bodies. I so wish I had this idea when my mom was alive. I wish I dropped everything else in my life and went to her the way my head always said to...and I wish I worked with her to get us both healthy. I can't now - not with her - and I can't realistically drop everything yet I am going to spend one Thursday a week with (hopefully) a few people who have not moved very much in a long time and who want to be present in their bodies and begin somewhere. This is exercise and also therapy for me. We can help each other.

I have begun the new year by outlining my next Best Year Yet. My focus is my health (all aspects of my health) and so many things contribute to the success of my health...things I didn't realize could or would...and the first is joy.  Whatever I do, I am surrounding myself with joy.

My first step. I am putting more design effort into my kitchen. It is already a room that I love very much. Now I am amping it up by adding the decor that has spent years on Pinterest and in my head...and hasn't made its way to my wall. My kitchen is going to be a place of joy for me where I can create healthy meals for myself and my friends and family - a place I not only love to be in but am good at taking care of myself in.

Otherwise I am just taking care to continue routine skin care and teeth brushing and hair setting/styling that always makes me feel good and fresh and relaxed. For Christmas I bought myself a new set of skin care products but I may go back to my previous set because the organics stuff I'm trying seems to make me break out a whole lot. It's weird? Chemicals for the win? The stuff I normally buy is pricey...and maybe it is a get what I pay for thing?

I put some more stuff on Pinterest that I will get for myself when I reach certain goals. I don't like to think I am materialistic. I guess I really am. Whatever, though. This is about joy. Sometimes things make me happy. Things are better for me than food.

Welcome, 2014.