Sh! Don't Tell My In-Laws.

I used to think the key to weight loss & a healthy life was this unidirectional cure-all called "diet & exercise" and God love me for trying to be, but I am no machine. I am amazed at people who are so disciplined the care of their nutritional and physical health is downright robotic. I heave a dreamy sigh at the image of being one of them.

Alas, I'm an obstinate Bostony sort who regularly turns her nose up at discipline. That's not a matter of pride, nor ignorance, I just don't like being told what to do - even by me.

My closest friends know I am difficult to deal with. Invitations to exercise together annoy me instead of seeming fun. I don't know why the walls go up around my behavior when someone else wants to help me work around them or change them...but they do! God forbid somebody suggest a diet or a method or a group of foods to try or what I really ought to stay away from. Nails. On. The. Chalk. Board.

So, I have to get sneaky and creative and clever in order to get anything past my little "Fuck You" fence (or is it defense) mechanism that pops up at suggestions. It keeps me on one side, well-meaning friends and family on the other.

But here's what works: If I impress myself and feel kind of genius because I came up with an idea to help me to adopt a discipline...I will try it. The same is true of when a friend presents something in a fun or interesting or cool way.

I could analyze "Why am I so picky!?" but it would cost me precious time when I could be finding solutions since I know what makes me tick. So, let's forget trying to know why I'm picky or defensive or surly toward suggestions and dig into the neat find of: If I'm jazzed about it, I'll give it a shot.

Like, right now? I am totally using my in-laws. They don't probably know it but they are contributors to my plan for a healthy lifestyle because I started making it a disciplined "thing" that we get together every Sunday (with flexibility for other engagements when necessary) and take turns making from-scratch meals.

So, they'll come to my house and eat zucchini noodles with Bolognese and sauteed spinach with garlic and pine nuts one week. The next we'll visit them for squash soup and salad greens. And they'll come back over for, well, last Sunday it was "Breakfast for dinner" so a big omelet and bacon and sausage and sweet potato hash and roasted asparagus (yes for dinner/breakfast) and so on.

I enjoy cooking for people and sharing meals. My in-laws are unsuspecting guinea pigs in my plan to live well on the weekends. I do really well making wholesome meals for us during the week but weekends can be hard. I get up super friggin' early to prep for our morning show then come home and need a nap before I can function the rest of the day...and wanting to cook can come with a huge BLAH feeling. Plus, I get a lot more comfortable with pushing phone buttons to hear "Golden China...may I help you?" when I'm exhausted.

So knowing I'll have them over gives me a burst of needed motivation to make something fun or new or well-liked in our home to share with them. Or knowing I get to go over there, not worry about what's in the food or how fat it's going to keep me because they are VERY well-disciplined health nuts makes me feel comforted. I don't need Golden China.

Plus, we started playing board games and/or watching movies afterward, just hanging out. I grew up with grandparents who I saw every weekend, did yard work with, had dinner with, played games and watched TV with or made crafts with - I spent all of Sunday with them and I do believe I've missed having that strong sense of family in my life (I live so far from my people!) Plus, this is something I get to give to my own kid: grandparent time.

Do you see how this idea just keeps getting more awesome?

I get to feel smart and make healthier choices and sort of benefit in all kinds of ways! Everybody does. That's the coolest thing.

The Devil is in the Details

How true it is. I am changing my life - I'm on a mission to Live Well - and doing anything I can to be on my right path for sanity's sake.

Part of what I'm changing is what foods I eat and portions and all that contributes to weight loss. It's not a hard push, I'm not restricting myself, just being aware and doing my best to make good choices that will result in a healthier me.

I'm also changing what I dislike most about my home: our pack-rat lifestyle. Thanks to my friend, Sherry, I have a book that helps me do that  as much and as often as I'd like, on my own schedule, and my house still gets clean. I've managed to keep the main spaces tidy so now I'm taking on the clutter spaces and well-used surfaces that sort of muck up the look and feel of everything. You know, those catch-alls where everybody puts things and nobody looks at again?

Those spots in my house have been overwhelming. OVERWHELMING to look at, let alone do something about. But why?

Because the devil is in the details.

Ridding of one pile of mess seems futile in the face of all the piles of mess that surround me. And when I look at a pile individually there are usually books and clothes and pieces of mail for who knows who, stuff to BE mailed to people I love and just never bother to take to the post office, things my kid no longer plays with (and hasn't for umpteen years), things I meant to nail to one of our walls and just haven't. Small stuff. Details. Hard work. Or is it?

I'm going to remove some clutter from a cubby in my kitchen today - taking out all the unnecessary stuff, doing something WITH that stuff, and THEN I'm going to move the cubby to a more obvious space in the room so that it will be EVEN MORE unsightly should it get tucked full of unnecessary stuff.

It is one of those jobs that looks boring and there is some stuff stuck in there that I don't even know what I'll do with. Details. Ugh! But, I'd rather do something than nothing these days (and I thank the death of my mom for that!) and by this afternoon I will be glad I bothered.

And just to keep myself from being distracted and bugging off of the job, I've got my teenage friend Morgan coming over for motivational support - and I'm paying her a few bucks to help me sort stuff (but really it is just to have someone to talk to and be around.) It works out because she wants money for her mission trip and I want an organized cubby in my kitchen.

So there you have it....proof that I will stop at nothing (even if it costs me $10) to get this crap done.

What Drives Me to Drink

I suppose you'd like an update on that diet soda habit kicking thing:

Good News:  My Coke and Pepsi diet product drinking has reduced to sometimes 1 a day.
Bad News:    There are still times when I have a four to five diet drink day.
Good News:  I realized that my diet cola/caffeine consumption is relative to two things:

Meals & Stress

I am an ex-smoker. The need for the beverage and the thrill of having consumed it is a LOT like needing a cigarette after a meal...or lots of cigarettes through highly stressful moments.  When I quit smoking, I did a lot of gum chewing and overeating. Not sure I want to resort to THOSE things to quit caffeine in a can altogether. Not sure what the solution is yet, either. Sometimes I want that sensation of calm satisfaction having had the drink. Sometimes I want to taste, or even crave, the flavor.

I have ("hot" for you southern people) tea with breakfast which probably provides enough feel-good to get me to my lunch time, but by then I want/need a drink. A straight up diet cola, on the rocks, that is. Same for dinner time.

And if on some night I'm in a 4-H meeting with my sassy-pants daughter and her easy-to-show-off-in-front-of friends and my sometimes-gets-sidetracked co-leader (ALL of whom I love very very dearly) and I can't manage to sort out the chaos of people talking too much about stuff not really relevant, and am fielding comments from my kid who is normally not bully-ish toward me (we do talk about this before and after and I'm finally to a point of there are consequences for that), and I'm keeping cats off the table and letting dogs in and out of the house...(I host the group at home) and remind the kids to listen to my co-leader because they sometimes get too talky with gossip and stuff and forget we're having a meeting... man, I can drink two or three diet drinks in the hour and some we're together. That's what I did last Monday.

So, I need to learn how to let 4-H be pretty much completely uncontrollable and sip on water...or continue to be the "Bad Cop" co-leader and suck down Coke Zero the whole while. Maybe I can crush the cans in my hand upon finish just to accentuate how bad-ass I really can be.

Or maybe there's a way to not need that drink. And I can kick my daughter in the shin once for every snarky thing she says back to me. What?! That's right, I said it. She's mean! Like: playground mean. But, okay, I'll handle that with love....I promise.

Anyway: Have you heard of this problem? Had this problem? Know what to do?

I Challenge My Brain

I've been happy and I thought you should know. Missing my mom is a daily occurrence, mostly while driving or late at night or while blog posting...and I am still so sorry she and I were unhealthy together, unhealthy for each other, unhelpful with the whatever it took to make changes for the better for us both.

My mom must be with me, feeling what I feel, because my ability to help myself has increased and gotten so much stronger in her absence. My ability to know when I need help outside of myself, not in an "I want someone else to do this for me!" way (and I totally did behave that way in the past) but in an "I want to do this and can use help!" way.  A slight tweak of perspective and intention changes everything.

I do pray for the change I want to happen with my body - but I no longer pray for the will power to resist certain foods. I don't pray for the way my brain works to be different. I don't pray for my behavior to stop.

I pray for wisdom for a safe and healthy me, friends, family, community, world. That's all.

Today I take responsibility for my behavior and I love my brain and body. I love them because I understand how they work and, more importantly, how to work WITH them. I can use the example of a dysfunctional family, I guess. When people live in a dysfunctional family they learn to live the best they can within that funky dynamic. Some people even come out better, healthier for it.

I know my brain is going to wig out over certain things. I know my body's going to have difficulty some things I really wish it didn't. And I know that I can find ways to make health and vigor fun for both of them. That's the trick for me: fun. Well, fun or accomplishment. If it isn't fun, if it doesn't make me feel like "total win," I don't want to do it.

So, I make all the shit I don't want to do fun and full of accomplishment AND IT'S WORKING.

I used to ride on the praise of others...now I ride on my own cleverness and ability to get stuff done that I would normally get overwhelmed by and just ignore or hide from...or want someone else to do.

Am I losing weight? I haven't weighed myself to tell you. I'm still wearing smaller clothes and haven't broken their seams - so my guess is so far, so good.

Oh, My Ever-Living Headache!

Whoever said refined carbs don't cause high blood pressure is a wanker. Gary Taubes provides example in his book how simple sugars produce enzymes that kick ass not only in the pancreas but they can increase uric acid in the body's cells and boost salt absorption in the kidneys, too. Basically, carbs fuck you up - if you're someone with a body like mine.

My mom and grandmother were both Diabetic. I've been close to that diagnosis a few times but, so far, managed to wrangle myself away from the red zone by changing my diet. And then life things happen, like birthdays.

Rob's menu? Spaghetti and Meatballs. Garlic Bread. Cake. Ice Cream.

I snuck sauteed mushrooms into the sauce. I made a side dish of sauteed spinach and pine nuts with garlic and some balsamic. But, I had spaghetti, meatballs, garlic bread, cake and ice cream, too. I got away with it last night - not tired, not feeling poorly, doing pretty well alright aside from that FULL feeling that borders discomfort.

Today, though, I have an unfun headache and I hear the swoosh of blood moving when I recline or move a certain way.  So, back off Birthdays! I can't indulge like that anymore. I just can't. And if anyone tells you carbs can't spike your BP you tell them that's totally bullshit. Because, my head is hoping I'm done with the carbs bender of a birthday we had yesterday....and I haven't felt this kind of ick since the cheesey potato incident of 2011..

High blood sugar holds hands with high blood pressure.  My head can guarantee it.