We're spending one on one time with Crackers (our cat) whenever we feel we can. He's up for being cuddled just a little. Mostly he wants to sit on his own, tucked away in the restroom on a towel I doubled up for him. He's moving pretty slowly and the phases our vet explained would happen are taking place. It's troubling letting your pet die on his own; yet, none of us is able to give a go ahead for euthanizing him. Either choice is a hard one...but we're pretty resolved to try comfort measures right now.
I feel bad for the times when he would hop up to be in my way and get some loving that I pushed him off or set him aside so he wouldn't be a nuisance or get in the way of what I was doing. Granted, I didn't do so EVERY time, but the times I did were pretty ignorant of me. It was only a few weeks ago. His decline has been rapid - too rapid - and heartbreaking, but we're trying to give him the dignity we'd give any one of our relatives who is dying by loving him the best we can while he's still among us.
It's the first we've ever done this. In the past, we've had a cat and two dogs who died very unexpectedly so there was no goodbye time, no extra TLC, no being with them through the scary part.
The vet believes Crackers understands what is happening and is doing what comes naturally to cats. We just love him so much.
I've had a horrible time with food all over again - and my ambition is half-hearted with just about everything. I'm sure some of it comes from worrying about and mourning my cat and some of it comes from worrying about my mom and stressing over her world of issues and some of it comes from that lonely feeling that happens when you realize at the bottom of your bottom there is no one to pull you out - it is really up to you and whatever faith you can muster.
If I didn't believe in God, I'd be an even deeper mess. But, I do. I really do. And I pray that we are doing what is right for Crackers and that we are being respectful as we hang with him these last days.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Plea.
Okay, so, it's not hard to realize I'm in trouble with my diet. I believe that I'm resorting to high fats/heavy foods/carbs & sweets because I'm too stressed out. I know the gym will help with stress - as will time - but I need to stop this like right now. I keep resorting to horrible choices and have zero energy to put into cooking or making something better. I don't want to screw up all the good work I've done! I had lost 50 pounds but it won't take much to gain it back at this rate. My rational mind is well aware of this. My emotions have taken over and when it comes to food, I find myself thinking "eff it" and putting healthier choices on hiatus. I'm writing this because I want to stop hurting myself - I am not intentionally hurting myself - and I need help. An anchor. Something. Mental reboot?
Monday, February 13, 2012
Sweet Relief
Okay, so it's on. I asked JD and he was cool with connecting on Lose It. I like the app a lot. I'm so used to having to go through hell on the WW site and with Fitday and My Fitness Pal - this Lose It! site is so so so much easier to me....and, okay, it's cuter. I am a fan.
Fitness and nutrition aside, I've been learning a lot since the start of this new year what with my mom going through her ordeal and my routine, finances and lifestyle needing to stretch a little wider to provide for her and her business along with my own. I've had opportunities to get upset and frustrated with a whole bunch of things, from negligent hospital practices to odd family squatters hanging out at mom's while she isn't doing so.
I've had bouts of anger, despair, frustration and the bad (REALLY bad) dreams that come from taking on too much and stressing myself out. It had gotten to where I was complaining about everyone and everything adverse to whoever would listen to me - and it wouldn't take a whole lot for me to resort to cussing and freaking. Like, I am not used to so much going wrong to such dire ends. I am not used to trying to breathe while buried under heaps of woe. Once upon a time I could and did...but I've done so much to improve my life and my outlook and my situation that all of these feelings are such a nuisance to me now. I really hate them.
And then something happened. I was at this peak of irritation to where I wanted to shout for so many reasons and shake the stupid out of people who keep making these tough times even tougher than necessary...and then I just wasn't angry anymore. Just as I was running out of all that emotion, as the numbness took over, I was getting back to my homework...picking up a book about the Jewish philosopher Hillel and reading things he'd written, spoken or stood for...and I felt my heart again. I softened.
I read things he said or did to people who wronged him or who, more importantly, wronged God and I realized I still have that sense for kindness inside of me. I hadn't become so embittered that I couldn't somehow be honest in telling people what I am feeling without telling them off. I realized I could formulate words to go with my emotions that wouldn't be striking someone else down (even if you'd agree they'd deserve it.) And I decided to write letters to the people who I'm feeling wronged by. I began writing in my head what I'd want them to say and by doing so I felt myself forgiving them.
That happened some of Saturday and some of yesterday and today...I feel so much lighter. Nothing's better. Nobody else is any different, just me. But, I feel like things are going to be okay where I really didn't know WHAT to believe as of last Friday.
So, I'm grateful to my studies for giving me that little reminder of who I am despite all of these things that could add up to crush me. I'm good. And I'm happier being good to people than I am saying shit about them and wrecking their lives just because I feel like shit within mine. Knowing that has been a freeing, freeing thought.
"That which you hate, don't do to others. That is the entire Torah," Hillel told him.
Fitness and nutrition aside, I've been learning a lot since the start of this new year what with my mom going through her ordeal and my routine, finances and lifestyle needing to stretch a little wider to provide for her and her business along with my own. I've had opportunities to get upset and frustrated with a whole bunch of things, from negligent hospital practices to odd family squatters hanging out at mom's while she isn't doing so.
I've had bouts of anger, despair, frustration and the bad (REALLY bad) dreams that come from taking on too much and stressing myself out. It had gotten to where I was complaining about everyone and everything adverse to whoever would listen to me - and it wouldn't take a whole lot for me to resort to cussing and freaking. Like, I am not used to so much going wrong to such dire ends. I am not used to trying to breathe while buried under heaps of woe. Once upon a time I could and did...but I've done so much to improve my life and my outlook and my situation that all of these feelings are such a nuisance to me now. I really hate them.
And then something happened. I was at this peak of irritation to where I wanted to shout for so many reasons and shake the stupid out of people who keep making these tough times even tougher than necessary...and then I just wasn't angry anymore. Just as I was running out of all that emotion, as the numbness took over, I was getting back to my homework...picking up a book about the Jewish philosopher Hillel and reading things he'd written, spoken or stood for...and I felt my heart again. I softened.
I read things he said or did to people who wronged him or who, more importantly, wronged God and I realized I still have that sense for kindness inside of me. I hadn't become so embittered that I couldn't somehow be honest in telling people what I am feeling without telling them off. I realized I could formulate words to go with my emotions that wouldn't be striking someone else down (even if you'd agree they'd deserve it.) And I decided to write letters to the people who I'm feeling wronged by. I began writing in my head what I'd want them to say and by doing so I felt myself forgiving them.
That happened some of Saturday and some of yesterday and today...I feel so much lighter. Nothing's better. Nobody else is any different, just me. But, I feel like things are going to be okay where I really didn't know WHAT to believe as of last Friday.
So, I'm grateful to my studies for giving me that little reminder of who I am despite all of these things that could add up to crush me. I'm good. And I'm happier being good to people than I am saying shit about them and wrecking their lives just because I feel like shit within mine. Knowing that has been a freeing, freeing thought.
"That which you hate, don't do to others. That is the entire Torah," Hillel told him.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
The Nicest Things
They say these come to those who wait, but I'm here to tell you waiting has had nothing to do with the niceness that has come to me since starting this blog. To say I'm touched by the connections I am making is an understatement.
Today, a friend let me know he reads this thing and has been inspired to keep working hard for his own health and safety. I think that's such a sacred thing to tell me and to share with me. I'm over the moon. :) Thank you, JD!
JD also told me of an app he's using to food log and track weight loss. I've tried FitDay and a few other apps - I've even maintained a Weight Watchers online membership just to use the points logging feature - and failed miserably because I'll track well for a while then procrastinate until I forget to bother.
I've even dragged my friend Kelly into using a tracker online with me and we both waffled, although she stayed pretty true to using it better than I did.
Anyway, I asked JD if he'd like to be my friend on this new-to-me app called Lose It! I kind of think that it's a good idea because I'm a bit better about doing things I've got to have accountability for. I CAN waffle and fade out of doing things like that, though, so I have to approach using the app with a sense of realism....STILL....I've hit that reset button with the low carb lifestyle, I'm in touch with a group of other people doing the same thing via my nutritionist, Ivana, and I believe that I would treat JD differently than I would Kelly. Let me tell you why.
Kelly and I are close. JD and I are friendly and I would say mutually courteous and compassionate, and close enough to be encouraging. We are not close enough to forgive each other/ignore that something is missing if one of us is not showing up to food log or if communication about the weight loss stops. We're not close enough to use each other as an excuse to fudge a little. With Kelly, I have a buddy, but I also have a partner in crime. I have that in my husband, too. If one of us goes astray on the meal plan, the other does, too. (Kelly's a bit better at not doing that than Rob and I are!)
I don't have that too-close comfort in my friendship with JD - and I don't think I'd like to. So, yeah, I've asked him if he'd like to be friends via the app and basically just kind of be there for each other to add weight to each of us having accountability - instead of adding weight to ourselves.
I think it's worth a shot. I have learned that it helps if I pay attention to my handicaps. Sorry, Kelly! I'm sure I will still drag Kel into my next food logging attempt even if JD says yes. Then we can all benefit.
And I've made a starter goal in order to be on the right track with my low carb lifestyle again: eat low carb breakfasts, which includes at least one serving o' veggies every time.
And away we go.
Today, a friend let me know he reads this thing and has been inspired to keep working hard for his own health and safety. I think that's such a sacred thing to tell me and to share with me. I'm over the moon. :) Thank you, JD!
JD also told me of an app he's using to food log and track weight loss. I've tried FitDay and a few other apps - I've even maintained a Weight Watchers online membership just to use the points logging feature - and failed miserably because I'll track well for a while then procrastinate until I forget to bother.
I've even dragged my friend Kelly into using a tracker online with me and we both waffled, although she stayed pretty true to using it better than I did.
Anyway, I asked JD if he'd like to be my friend on this new-to-me app called Lose It! I kind of think that it's a good idea because I'm a bit better about doing things I've got to have accountability for. I CAN waffle and fade out of doing things like that, though, so I have to approach using the app with a sense of realism....STILL....I've hit that reset button with the low carb lifestyle, I'm in touch with a group of other people doing the same thing via my nutritionist, Ivana, and I believe that I would treat JD differently than I would Kelly. Let me tell you why.
Kelly and I are close. JD and I are friendly and I would say mutually courteous and compassionate, and close enough to be encouraging. We are not close enough to forgive each other/ignore that something is missing if one of us is not showing up to food log or if communication about the weight loss stops. We're not close enough to use each other as an excuse to fudge a little. With Kelly, I have a buddy, but I also have a partner in crime. I have that in my husband, too. If one of us goes astray on the meal plan, the other does, too. (Kelly's a bit better at not doing that than Rob and I are!)
I don't have that too-close comfort in my friendship with JD - and I don't think I'd like to. So, yeah, I've asked him if he'd like to be friends via the app and basically just kind of be there for each other to add weight to each of us having accountability - instead of adding weight to ourselves.
I think it's worth a shot. I have learned that it helps if I pay attention to my handicaps. Sorry, Kelly! I'm sure I will still drag Kel into my next food logging attempt even if JD says yes. Then we can all benefit.
And I've made a starter goal in order to be on the right track with my low carb lifestyle again: eat low carb breakfasts, which includes at least one serving o' veggies every time.
And away we go.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Begin Again Again.
Tonight I joined a teleconference with some great people who are ready to trim the carbs from their diets. I've got to clear the carbs out all over again and get to where I'm choosing naturally great stuff to cook up and gnaw on instead of take out and drive thru yuck.
It felt good to talk to other people who are trying the same things. Listening, and even hearing myself speak, brought up enough reminders of why the diet is so worth doing. It works SO well.
In the time I stuck with Yourishment and routine exercise of 2-3 days a week, I lost nearly 50 pounds (kept teetering!) in about 5 months. My thyroid levels increased. I could walk much longer distances without stopping for back pain or to catch my breath, I could maneuver quickly. I could feel my body slimming. I liked touching my legs and my stomach and marveling over the differences. My triglycerides went down. My cholesterol was coming into a better balance. Mind clarity was great. I took Navy SEAL training class. I smiled more. I moved comfortably. I felt capable of more. I...defied expectation.
And I realized that is what I truly love about this weight loss regime: I defied expectation. Whatever I expected - whatever anyone expected of me - whatever medical proofs insisted - whatever physics applications offered - I defied expectations over and over and over again.
Now that I know what I like so much, I am making this my little personal mantra: Defy Expectation. Because I can. Because I DO. Because I have found a successful formula. I'm going to put this little saying...everywhere. Because being able to Defy Expectation and go way beyond or way opposite or way differently makes me feel powerful. It gives me the biggest thrill in the world.
Thank you for supporting me.
It felt good to talk to other people who are trying the same things. Listening, and even hearing myself speak, brought up enough reminders of why the diet is so worth doing. It works SO well.
In the time I stuck with Yourishment and routine exercise of 2-3 days a week, I lost nearly 50 pounds (kept teetering!) in about 5 months. My thyroid levels increased. I could walk much longer distances without stopping for back pain or to catch my breath, I could maneuver quickly. I could feel my body slimming. I liked touching my legs and my stomach and marveling over the differences. My triglycerides went down. My cholesterol was coming into a better balance. Mind clarity was great. I took Navy SEAL training class. I smiled more. I moved comfortably. I felt capable of more. I...defied expectation.
And I realized that is what I truly love about this weight loss regime: I defied expectation. Whatever I expected - whatever anyone expected of me - whatever medical proofs insisted - whatever physics applications offered - I defied expectations over and over and over again.
Now that I know what I like so much, I am making this my little personal mantra: Defy Expectation. Because I can. Because I DO. Because I have found a successful formula. I'm going to put this little saying...everywhere. Because being able to Defy Expectation and go way beyond or way opposite or way differently makes me feel powerful. It gives me the biggest thrill in the world.
Thank you for supporting me.
Monday, February 6, 2012
My mind, schedule and plate have been SO FULL since the last time I was here and able to post about anything. I can honestly tell you my momentum fell flat for about three weeks and it is just coming back to me - and thank God - I so need it.
January somethingorother I drove to Boston to be with my mom while she went into the hospital and was given a procedure to help give her heart relief from aortic stenosis, a valve-restricting problem that prevents blood from entering the heart properly and also causes a backup of fluid in the body..something CHF patients sometimes endure. So, I was there for a heartwrenching (no pun) ten days of praying she'd stay alive through it and that the procedure would amount to mom being able to take better care of herself. It's going to be a very very slow process. Very slow. But she made it and she's now in rehab, doing what she needs to be doing with people I am confident are very good for her.
Along with mom's medical troubles and my living hundreds of miles away while she recovers and working three part time jobs and heading a steering committee for a local foods festival (which will soon meet more than once a month) I've taken on mom's financial crisis....not really knowing how much of a crisis it really is.
There is so much gone un-handled and there's so much of a dance between what she owes personally and what her company owes (she owns the business my stepfather and she built together) and I am not joking when I say every single day brings another obstacle. Bank accounts get frozen. Customers get letters from outside entities asking for collections. Employees demand pay. Jobs get canceled because pay is not just slow to come in....but is being directed to outside entities which hope to recover what mom's company owes faster by getting money from her customers directly. I can't begin to know how this all happened or when it started happening but I am told by one employee it's been going on 24 years. I don't have a clue as to how this company keeps going or how my mom keeps her house or any of her assets...and I certainly do not know how to save any of it.
I contacted the company lawyer. He contacted the company accountant. I've stepped back a bit because I really have no business in all of that mess. Meanwhile, we are doing our best to make sure payments are sent for vital things like: health insurance, homeowners insurance, mortgage, cell phones (the company relies on them heavily), taxes and life insurance. I can't even look at the pile of bills that come in otherwise. I've taken on a portion of my mom's accounts job and I call her customers every day to follow up on invoices with customers that MAYBE didn't get a letter asking them to pay a debtor directly instead.
So, I've been eating like someone who has no time to cook or think about health. I've had drive through lifestyle for a few weeks and order restaurant food too much. It's gained me the 6 pounds that I lost while I was in Boston at the hospital in January and I feel generally crappy all over.
My heart is crushed. My mind is overwhelmed. My spirit feels like it is in limbo. My attitude remains positive. My hope, my faith, is one salvation. My immediate family is one other. I thank God for every moment I can feel supported and OK despite the problems in my mothers life that continually scream at me.
What am I doing for relief? Not a lot. Now and then I shove everything out of my mind, out of my sight, and spend time with friends. Occasionally, I'll indulge in a couple of beers or a few glasses of wine. Not the ideal way to get free of things, I know, it's just what I've been doing though very sparingly.
Keep in mind I am also a seminary student. I do homework, late, and turn that in, late. I'll graduate in June if all goes well and be ordained on the 10th if I can be!
I'm also planning the biggest birthday party of my kid's life for her sweet 16th which includes fancy dress and a caterer and the works (something I've aimed to do since forever that is a family tradition...always a BIG 16th and I'd like to give her that) - that is slated for July.
And then that Foods Expo is in August, but planning happens every month and I have to attend those meetings.
When all this is said and done - and I do believe this too shall pass - I tell myself it will all have been worth the work. It will have to be.
Don't think this is a complaint list - it's not. It's just a fact sheet to me. When I think about complaining, I think about people in the world who have lost so much themselves or who live in harsh conditions or are in situations they can do nothing about and I just can't find the room to complain.
So, I guess what I'm saying is I just wanted to tell you what's been going on. And I know you're here and I appreciate it. Lots.
January somethingorother I drove to Boston to be with my mom while she went into the hospital and was given a procedure to help give her heart relief from aortic stenosis, a valve-restricting problem that prevents blood from entering the heart properly and also causes a backup of fluid in the body..something CHF patients sometimes endure. So, I was there for a heartwrenching (no pun) ten days of praying she'd stay alive through it and that the procedure would amount to mom being able to take better care of herself. It's going to be a very very slow process. Very slow. But she made it and she's now in rehab, doing what she needs to be doing with people I am confident are very good for her.
Along with mom's medical troubles and my living hundreds of miles away while she recovers and working three part time jobs and heading a steering committee for a local foods festival (which will soon meet more than once a month) I've taken on mom's financial crisis....not really knowing how much of a crisis it really is.
There is so much gone un-handled and there's so much of a dance between what she owes personally and what her company owes (she owns the business my stepfather and she built together) and I am not joking when I say every single day brings another obstacle. Bank accounts get frozen. Customers get letters from outside entities asking for collections. Employees demand pay. Jobs get canceled because pay is not just slow to come in....but is being directed to outside entities which hope to recover what mom's company owes faster by getting money from her customers directly. I can't begin to know how this all happened or when it started happening but I am told by one employee it's been going on 24 years. I don't have a clue as to how this company keeps going or how my mom keeps her house or any of her assets...and I certainly do not know how to save any of it.
I contacted the company lawyer. He contacted the company accountant. I've stepped back a bit because I really have no business in all of that mess. Meanwhile, we are doing our best to make sure payments are sent for vital things like: health insurance, homeowners insurance, mortgage, cell phones (the company relies on them heavily), taxes and life insurance. I can't even look at the pile of bills that come in otherwise. I've taken on a portion of my mom's accounts job and I call her customers every day to follow up on invoices with customers that MAYBE didn't get a letter asking them to pay a debtor directly instead.
So, I've been eating like someone who has no time to cook or think about health. I've had drive through lifestyle for a few weeks and order restaurant food too much. It's gained me the 6 pounds that I lost while I was in Boston at the hospital in January and I feel generally crappy all over.
My heart is crushed. My mind is overwhelmed. My spirit feels like it is in limbo. My attitude remains positive. My hope, my faith, is one salvation. My immediate family is one other. I thank God for every moment I can feel supported and OK despite the problems in my mothers life that continually scream at me.
What am I doing for relief? Not a lot. Now and then I shove everything out of my mind, out of my sight, and spend time with friends. Occasionally, I'll indulge in a couple of beers or a few glasses of wine. Not the ideal way to get free of things, I know, it's just what I've been doing though very sparingly.
Keep in mind I am also a seminary student. I do homework, late, and turn that in, late. I'll graduate in June if all goes well and be ordained on the 10th if I can be!
I'm also planning the biggest birthday party of my kid's life for her sweet 16th which includes fancy dress and a caterer and the works (something I've aimed to do since forever that is a family tradition...always a BIG 16th and I'd like to give her that) - that is slated for July.
And then that Foods Expo is in August, but planning happens every month and I have to attend those meetings.
When all this is said and done - and I do believe this too shall pass - I tell myself it will all have been worth the work. It will have to be.
Don't think this is a complaint list - it's not. It's just a fact sheet to me. When I think about complaining, I think about people in the world who have lost so much themselves or who live in harsh conditions or are in situations they can do nothing about and I just can't find the room to complain.
So, I guess what I'm saying is I just wanted to tell you what's been going on. And I know you're here and I appreciate it. Lots.
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