Before now, I narrowed my intention toward getting thin or "getting healthy." In my mind, diet and exercise would, as other living examples show, result in a more pleasing figure and increased ease of movement, bolstered confidence, a better way of life, and earn the acceptance of fat-haters. Oh, and improve my overall health.
Health is that little price tag that dangles from the armpit of intention. You don't realize it's there unless it sticks you. It's the least motivating side-effect of working hard to modify my body and yet it is the most important one to talk about with others. Why? Because, if I at least talk about health, it will get you off my case!
I like to do things at my own pace, my own way, without having to practice your suggestions. Why do you insult my intelligence by telling me what works to lose weight? I've been a big girl for longer than I want to remember - don't you think I know by now? Maybe my body shape is proof that I haven't employed the tactics very well...but that doesn't mean I don't know how to take care of myself. Who hasn't learned that diet+exercise=win? And who hasn't failed at diet + exercise again and again and again? Buzz. Off.
Say hello to my evilbrain. It is full of ire and stress developed by years of denial, aggravation, failure, sadness - whatever negatives you can name to go with it - at not being able to lose weight even though I, like everybody else who has attempted it, know the magic formula.
And it has me thinking, if I know what to do, and I know it will work, why don't I just do it? What is getting in the way of my being how I want? Diet. Exercise. Diet. Exercise. Diet. Exercise. Imagine a brick in each hand, one with DIET etched in it, the other EXERCISE. Now think of me smacking my forehead with them in alternating strokes. Dude, why doesn't this shit sink in?
Because, It's not enough to know it. I really have to live it. Too often, I want to garner credibility for my efforts, no matter how small and inconsistent.
"Credibility is what you earn after you
do what you say you will do." - Anonymous
Yeah.
I accept that I have a pretty serious food addiction that I need help to control. How can I have a successful go at doing so? Evilbrain surgery. It's drastic, I know, but I can't change my body unless I change my mind. So, I'm going back to my behavioral health counselor. Step two in my plan to take over my world.
I'll be back to share the crazy details of our Friday session.
