The definition of insanity is an idea I've taken very seriously, and paid better attention to, since the (June) death of my mother. I can't continue to look for windows of opportunity to leap at possible weight loss options, or dive into a program designed to make me thin and healthy, only to come up short or quit too soon. Behavior like that isn't going to make me anything but tired and even more overweight - but I've done it for most of my life. The result of that pattern has yet to be successful. I'm trying something new.
But first, a picture to share: My mother was a little over 300 pounds in her hospital bed. She didn't weigh that much because of fat. She weighed that much because of fluid, an abundance of which was the result of blood product backed up because a faulty valve would not permit it to flow through her heart. She was swollen and it hurt her to move and to breathe. It prevented her from properly feeling my hand in hers.
I could believe that my mom would be living today if not for that valve, which is a truth, but the greater truth is that my mom would be living today if she was able to end her addiction to truly harmful foods.
It is an embarrassing idea, food addiction. It's not a gritty or street feel like drug or sex addiction, not a sorrowful, shameful feel like alcohol addiction. It has its own little sting and it's own slow, costly, painful game of roulette.
I have a food addiction and a major weight problem to pair with it. And like my mother I tried very hard to not have one any more, but an addiction is an addiction is an addiction and it is still there at the end of the diet program. It is still there when the commercials on TV tell you to run for the border. It is still there when you've stayed up way, too late and are honestly hungry again. The addiction doesn't stray.
I am NOT in agreement with America's new attack obesity - let's get that said right now. I AM in agreement with Americans using their God-given free will to change their lives, so no government bailouts in the form of special diets and crude lawmaking, thanks. I believe I can manage my addiction, and I'll tell you how:
By choosing to accept that I will always be addicted to food - especially certain ones. By understanding the response of my body is the result of my choices. By creating a supportive environment for myself. By sharing the process. By making my life about me and my health.
That's not to say, "Fuck everybody else." It's to prevent me from being over 300 pounds in a hospital bed with no way to get out of fluid-filled prison. I'll tell you how I'm doing that, next.
