12 Ways My Weight Has Gotten in My Way

I've heard myself tell people again and again that even though I've been a heavy girl for a lot of my life, my weight has not gotten in my way. Laying in bed last night, I was saying this to myself and I recognized it is a lie. I consider myself to be as honest as a person would be, so imagine the offense I felt calling myself a liar. But, I have to face up.

Even though I have accomplished some pretty great things while being a heavy person, my weight has gotten in my way a whole lot. My weight continues to be in my way - and just in case I try to tell someone (or myself) that it hasn't, I've provided a list to refer to.

12 Ways My Weight Has Gotten in My Way

1. Being accepted into new family. This has happened twice. I was a skinny, busy, showoff of a kid who loved to dance and be active. I moved into a family of (mostly) fat people and really enjoyed being able to wow them with my ability to touch my toes to the back of my head. I "ate up" all the attention I received from the heavy grownups, but the heavy kids didn't like me at. all.  Looking back, I don't really blame them. I soaked up attention and made them feel bad for being fat. (I wasn't cruel, but I was almost 5 and as most children are, I was aware of the difference between us and I pointed it out.) I did a lot of eating to become accepted into my new family. Many years and many pounds later my weight got in the way of being accepted into new family as an adult. I will go into my years of depression and anxiety, my strained relationship with my in-laws, and my excessive weight gain some other time.
2.  Attracting members of the opposite sex. I believe this kind of explains itself.
3.  Sitting comfortably in seats. This one tells it like it is, too.
4.  Physical Enjoyment. I LOVE movement. I love stretching. I love dancing. I enjoy exercise when it doesn't feel like strain, but invigorates instead. My weight prevents me from doing all of these things with delight. I may not even get to participate in a 4-miler coming up in a few weeks because of number 5 - because of my weight.
5. Healing old wounds. This old knee injury of mine has not been able to heal completely...ever. I first twisted my knee (and it popped out of position and was sprained) when I was fifteen. It didn't stabilize all that well afterward; however, that didn't stop me from running and dancing and jumping around all I wanted. ...but eventually my weight did. Because when I was about 22, I ran from the auditorium at Massassoit Community College (where my dancing school was holding dress rehearsal for our recital) full speed for the dressing rooms a few hallways away. I leapt. I did a pirouette. I landed wrong. My already damaged knee gave out 100%. I had to be carried to a car, carried to E.R., and have since sprained the same knee twice by doing nothing much at all. I've had arthroscopic surgery to remove scar tissue and a very, very painful recovery. I didn't receive physical therapy (I hadn't thought at my young age to even ask for that). Before the knee blew out, I danced for hours upon hours, nearly every day. (Think Flash Dance. Think Janet Jackson's Pleasure Principle video.) And realize, I have not danced - REALLY danced - since 'losing' my knee. My knee is still so very unstable. My weight is in the way.
6. Creating new wounds.  I can only imagine what damage my weight is doing to my heart and liver and kidneys. I don't like to imagine it, but perhaps I should.
7. Feeling secure. Okay, maybe having security issues isn't completely caused by being overweight, but I am sure my fatness doesn't help. My weight gets in the way, especially, when I have a good idea and want to share it with other people. I feel like I have to prove myself more than the average person in order for people to listen to me or like what I have to say or see past the weight to even hear what I am saying to begin with. I don't know if this is really what people do or think, but it's how I interpret their actions and it's the kind of pressure I put on myself because my weight is in my way.
8. Staying Awake. I get so tired. SO tired. And I used to think having thyroid issues was such a cop-out for lazy fat people that I didn't buy in. I learned I had hypothyroidism in 2000-something when I could barely get myself out of bed every day. My doctor said he was amazed I could get myself out of bed every day and he meant it. My T4 levels were hideously low. I still fight to be awake every day, but at least I know why. I know that hypothyroidism causes weight gain...but I kind of think weight gain leads to hypothyroidism. I'm no doctor, though.
9. Laughing at Myself.  It can be hard to laugh at my own mistakes sometimes because I'm so concerned with doing everything well...or trying to. When I do something like trip or fall or spill something on myself, I'll get angry and embarrassed rather than laugh it off. I get even more upset if other people find it funny. (I'm getting a little better at this, but could use a lot more freedom from the stress of my weight being in the way of it!)
10. Meeting People. Oh, God. I get the worst feelings ever when I know I have to meet someone who knows about me, but has never seen me. People who know me and see me do love me, and they talk me up pretty high, but that just makes it harder for me to meet whoever they have "told all about" me. Pair that scenario with having an amazing voice that people find sexy, cute, young, entertaining and I know they will expect to meet the girl they envision. I know they will not meet her...at least physically. I panic because of that. My weight is in the way.
11. Posing for Pictures. I have so few family photos. So few moments captured with my little girl. It wasn't until I read a blog post from Amy that I realized how much of our lives I have quietly stepped aside from documenting. I've refused to own a camera. I've refused to try a webcam. I don't even put my face on my blog...and I have an okay face. I just. don't. like. how. I. look. My weight is in the way.
12. Eating in front of others. Bleh. I am constantly conscious of what is on my plate, how food looks going into my mouth. What people must see when they watch me chew. This doesn't happen with good friends or family who I feel very, very comfortable with, but it does come to mind and can blot out any conversation I am having or am in the middle of to a point where I have to stop and restart, retry, to talk to whoever is with me. I HATE to eat alone in any public place, ever. My weight is in my way.

The next time I try to say my weight has not gotten in my way, I will at least have this list to remind me of otherwise. I think it's important to learn to say the truth even though I want to be able to think that I haven't been hindered that much. I have missed and lost so much of my life and that will not change until this weight it isn't in my way anymore.