I Remember Then

The following is a saved questionnaire that I filled out six or seven years ago - at a time when I felt like I was going to die (literally, physically die) if I didn't somehow find a way to live, to be myself, to be comfortable being myself. When I mention die, I don't mean I was suicidal - I didn't have those feelings - I could just feel myself dying from the inside out, like a candle that's simply run out of wick and can't keep a flame. I sought a counselor and wrote all this down so she'd know where to begin. Looking back, I can see the desperation of wanting to be ME and I'm so utterly grateful that today I am. I really, truly am. It's why I want to take care of my body. I've got a long wick with have a hell of a flame. Now I don't want to run out of wax.


What is your intent for this session?

"Clarification. My intention is to understand my own feelings and needs with regard to family and career life. I want to help myself to define goals, both short and long-term, that reflect my needs and skills. I want to be able to know which ideas and life directions are ones that other people want me to follow and which are ones that I want to follow. I want to be wise in making these decisions, and be able to discern one reason from another. Having this outcome will allow me to feel confident, to experience life in the way that is nurturing to my true self, and will help me to be even more authentic in my daily life, in anybody’s presence."

How will you know when you have achieved the outcome?

"Confidence. I will feel confident about my decisions, and will not feel wrong about them if someone else disagrees with them… or question my own judgment. I will feel smart, able, still be a good listener and be able to acknowledge the other(s), yet continue to be and do what I already am/do. I will continue to be comfortable being who I am, not feeling as if I must excuse my decisions or behaviors. They will be good enough, because they work for me, and they help –me-."

Where, when, and with whom do you need to interact in order to ultimately achieve the outcome?

"Education. It is important for me to learn how to show love to someone else without compromising my own life, or my desires for my own life. I want to learn how to respect my own boundaries, show others how to respect them, and not end up offending anyone. I need education in order to learn all this… to me, it is an art! Once I have some ideas of how to talk to others about what is important to me, without feeling like I have to explain myself until they accept me, I will feel that confidence to be even more authentic."

How will achieving the outcome affect other relevant aspects of your life?

"Development.I know that in order to develop more fully into this true person that I am inside, I have to learn how to support my own decisions – so that I don’t need to rely on anyone else for an “okay” or to feel okay about what I choose."

What stops you from having the outcome already?

"Insecurity. Oftentimes, I find that I feel the need to explain myself and my thoughts and wants and actions to others – whether they are in positions of authority or not. I let them determine whether or not I can succeed at something, even if my inner urge is to try something, and even if my own belief about my ability surpasses their belief about me."


What resources (internal and external) do you already have that will contribute to achieving outcome?

"I have the belief in myself to achieve anything I want to in my life, meaning anything at all. As if there is no mountain too tall, no goal too far, to obtain… that I can do… anything. My mom is an external resource for at least believing in me in the same way I believe in me. As far as skills, knowledge, behaviors, I feel like I can learn anything – if I don’t yet have the skill or knowledge or behavior, I can get it. I just have to be comfortable with what I want, so I can do what needs to happen in order to get it."

What additional resources do you need to achieve the outcome?

"I think that prayer and me are really all I should rely on for this, because for too long I’ve let my experiences with external and/or additional resources change my mind, sometimes to the point of disappointing me, or hurting my feelings… I need to be good to me and supportive of me, no matter what or who else is… without needing for others to be, but with the ability to enjoy it when they are."

What specific steps do you need to take to achieve the outcome?

"See what wants I have inside. I want to see my wants.I want to feel my wants are important. I want to know that my own wants are exciting and noble and courageous and will become successful And I don’t want anyone else(s) opinions to be able to keep me from them. I want to learn how to do that… and what steps TO take to do that."