Join Me for Weight Loss in 2012!

Anyone want to join me to lose weight? I'm gonna create a Take Back (Take off the weight and Give back to a non-profit) team - and if we win, prize money will go to our selected nonprofit organization. :) Also, you get all these deals:

50% off services from Tracey Webber at EAT with Tracey
50% off services with--->> Ivana Kadija at Yourishment <<---My Nutritionist!!!
5% discount on purchases with Relay Foods
Earn $5.00 gift cards at Whole Foods in Charlottesville
Save 15% of running shoes at Ragged Mountain running shop

Check it out! Take Back with Me!!

So much for vacationing!

A few days before Christmas, I started eating sugary things. I'd eat a cookie here, a cupcake there, toss in a little candy and Christmas started feeling like an opportunity to go for the sweets I can (and do) usually pass by.

We had two cookie-making days at my house during which gobs of kids made piles of cookies. Some were taken home but a lot of them stayed here. I've been packing cookies for folks at work and other places ever since - to the protest of my child who wants them all to stay right here in our house.

"I've been spacing them out, not eating them all at once, and you're giving them all away!!"

I'm not giving them all away, though. I'm eating some of them, just grazing, while looking in the fridge for something edible, so I want them out and away from me. Rar! Yet, I understand her feelings. She did make them and all. Part of me says we are all better off without them around anyhow and then there's that want to let my kid have her cookies thing that comes into play.

Either way, I've decided I will still give away cookies, but moderately so she has time to eat some, and I'll also stay away from them from here on out. Christmas is ended, though its spirit remains, and I want to get back on track for a couple of reasons:

Sugar really does cause a blood pressure spike for me.

I have had headaches so many times this week...and I can find nothing else to blame for it.

I am hungry...all the time. I keep needing food. Without simple carbs and sugar in my diet, I feel hungry regularly but not constantly. I went from having a reasonable schedule to grazing more and more.

I am tired all the time and not sleeping well.

I know I've gained weight. I don't even want to look at how much.

My physical ability is already beginning to shrink. I get tired fast. I get sore, too. Screw this!!



So, it's out of my life again. This feels a lot like quitting smoking does where, if you go back to it, you run the risk of not being able to put it down.

But, my mind is full of belief that I can quit sugar again, so here I go. I am not skipping the gym this week as I'd intended (cause I am feeling both guilty and tired). I am going.

Beginning today. Every time I was hungry today, I stayed sugar-free in my "picking" of foods. It may take me a little while to get back to where I was, and with such momentum, but I will do it. And I am going to get ready for that SEAL team training, too. I won't be starting tomorrow; however, another class begins the first week of February. I want on that bus. :)

If I Can Do it Anyone Can

Raise a pint (of water or whatever) for me. I completed an hour of Navy Seal training. I didn't talk much about doing this...I just went and did it. I had no idea whether I COULD do it, but although I was slower than, like, everyone and am not half as able to put out the number of push ups, sit ups, tricep death squeezes and running minutes that a lot of the other people there can do...I stayed the whole hour and gave it my best.

Pushups? It turns out I can do 11. A guy who later introduced himself said when he started the training a few months ago he could only do 1. He looks way more fit than me so I was surprised by that.

I kept up fine with crunches and sit ups... but I'm slow with the running and I'm slow with the get off of the ground thing. I can fall down to the ground easily, but trying to get up (I have a lame knee) without help proved unsuccessful. So, I have to thank the many teammates I had and the two trainers this morning for their hands in giving me leverage to get off the ground every time.

The hour went by so quickly - probably because there was nonstop action. By the time we were dismissed I was torn between being angry that I decided to go there (I had a very moody morning with a lot of apprehension about trying this thing out) and being stunned that I did as much as I really did during my time there.

Today was only a guest pass kind of day. There's a class which begins January 2nd - one of my only true days off of the year. Do I want to spend it putting my face in the dirt and the grass and flailing my limbs around uncontrollably?

Maybe. :)

Wine, Women and Laughter

Laughter coming out like a song, yes. I had a great night with friends in the middle of the week. Skipped the potatoes au gratin and the incredibly gorgeous cherry cobbler and vanilla ice cream dessert and instead had a few generous portions of deep, red wine.

The night was so relaxing and I can't thank my friend Liz enough for the invite to keep her company while her man was out of town. It was really hard for me to drop everything I felt I was in the middle of doing and get in the mindset of just having fun, but I did it! And I'm rather proud of me.

Woohoo!

I'm feeling a bit of weight has come since the night out - probably due to the wine - and I'm hoping to shed it pretty quickly by sticking to my regular daily low carbs meal plan.

Blessed night, that one, and I've got so much love for the finer details Liz puts into having guests. Her way of hospitality is this Virgo's dream.

On the downside

The great part of losing weight is feeling so good and having some confidence in the future of my body - at least to what extent we each have control. On the downside, there are going to be things I didn't necessarily expect. Like wrinkles. I am forty-one and until now have had such a youthful face, hardly a wrinkle to show for my years...and now that I am losing weight, there are fine little lines around my mouth and eyes that didn't used to be there. I have considered whether it is possible to have a fat face and still get my body down to svelte shape. I liked seeming younger. I don't dare ask anyone how old they think I am now! I may be exaggerating because these are new to me, but I stare at them in the mirror in my car when at a stoplight or whatever...and I think to myself "how?" and "why?" and "who says I can have wrinkles?" because I didn't give permission for that. What's up with this, face?

Recently, I heard someone say they knew they were gaining weight when they couldn't see their wrinkles anymore. I was like "....." and then I looked at me and WHOA. I don't look twenty-three. Forgive me while I pout and make some frown lines.

In weight loss news, I'm almost at a 50 pound loss. Almost. The scale wanted to give it to me but the number wouldn't stay, so I am at 49 lbs down today. Maybe by weigh-in Wednesday I'll get to 50 pounds off. Wouldn't that be cool?

Elliptical-Machine, Elliptical-Machine, How Love-ly is your Mo-tion

Now, if I could just keep my godforsaken rhythm while I use the elliptical trainer, even heaven would be overjoyed.

Congratulations, me! I've graduated from the bowels of treadmill walking to doing some high stepping on the round-and-round pedaling machine. This means my knee can handle so much more than it could at the beginning of this year.

The work on the elliptical is going to be slow, but as assuredly as I have conquered speeds on the treadmill, I will one day claim victory with this exercise tool as well. It's just...that waiting part. You know? I'm terrible at having patience with some things.

Still 40 pounds (plus a little) down from top weight. Strength is a fun feeling. Want to know what doesn't feel fun at all? Massive abdominal spasms. That's right. You read it. I have to tell you what happened because it was the funniest thing...though not while it was happening.

I (stupidly) asked Barb to give me more abdominal work that I can do on Mondays, which are my non-Barb days at the gym. She readily agreed and after shooing me off the elliptical today, she told me to hunker down onto my butt, set my hands behind me, bend my knees and draw my legs up and in. Then I did another ab-focused exercise. Then another. Then another. And then I went to stand up!

My lower abdominals SEIZED. They SEIZED, I tell you! You don't even want to know the pain. So, I sat down and bent forward to stop the cramping up. The tension subsided there, but then my upper adbominals started contracting and freaking out. So, I had to stand up to get those to relax out of the contractions. But then my lower abdominals went right back into seizure 'cause I was upright. So, I sat down bent forward trying to make it stop. And so my upper abdominals cinched up.

Finally, I stood up and half-bent forward and STOOD there for a good, solid five minutes, talking to Barb, waiting for both sets of muscles to chill out.

That's what you get for letting your abs go. JUST LETTING YOU KNOW!

to HDL we go!

I have to make a new goal since preparing breakfast to avoid drive thru mornings has been achieved. I've liked making breakfast very much, too. It's pretty cool to come up with different things to keep from growing bored. I can sometimes eat the same thing day in, day out, but there are times when variety is the only thing to get me through.

I meet with Ivana tomorrow to first celebrate my 40 pound weight loss to date (since August 2011) and then to make new goals now that I'm doing the two I made a few weeks ago:

Go to the gym Mondays and Wednesdays.
Fix breakfast at home every day.


I've learned to make a number of quick breakfasts that are in accordance with the diet plan from Yourishment and I'm ready to tackle something that will improve my heart health: boosting HDL.

I've read and I've read and I've read about doing so and while exercise is a no-brainer, I want to do more to help my HDL levels go up. If I can get them up and more balanced with my lowered LDL levels, my heart (and arteries!) will be plenty happy.

Did you know that a lot of the reason why HDL is so important is so that our bodies aren't inflamed? Did you know that sugar (aka carbs aka "grains") and trans fats cause inflammation AND that inflammation is why we get an increase of your LDL - the bad cholesterol - level? I had no idea...but there you have it.

So we are walking around swollen and on fire from all the processed foods we consume. No wonder that feeling of being bloated never leaves!

My fitness goal is going to be to add a few more exercises to my Monday schedule because I mostly just hop on the treadmill and go.

My food goal is going to be to increase the amt of veggies I put away in a day. Very fit folks doing the same diet I am are eating up to 9 servings of veggies a day. I am at a shy 3 or 4. 9 seems hard to do, so I may start a little lower. I thought about breaking it in half and getting 4.5 in regularly...but I just realized I am already at 3 or 4. So maybe I will go for 6 a day.

The toughest part about this diet is that I can't just reach for a fruit to fill in my fiber needs - at least not yet. Once my body is more fit and I'm at a size that is good for my frame, I can reintroduce fruits very slowly. For now, though, I've got to make those 6 servings just, plain veggies.

Would you even believe I was someone who couldn't stand most vegetables? I had no idea I'd like as many as I do. It's really cool. :)

I feel like I'm up to the challenge...and we'll see how true that is.

Other ways to boost HDL are to increase Omega 3 in the diet - so I'll be poking around at eating fish - and a handful of nuts here or there can be good. So can alcohol. I am so so tempted to do that small glass of wine each day thing. I love wine. So many carbs, though.

Whatever, I'll figure it out with Ivana in the morning.

SO I WENT

Boarded a plane, and stopped in Philly, with a final destination of Boston. My uncle and aunt flooded my ears with opinions of who is good for mom and who isn't, who may be using her, who's bringing on the drama, who's a pretty good help and so on. I took it all into consideration and went to my mom's readied for battle - but not willing to shut down the shop that is mom care. I hoped I wouldn't have to.

While there, I did manage to get my mom to come downstairs for Thanksgiving dinner. I also managed to ostracize one of her boarders, pissed my cousin off, reduced one of her caretakers' hours, hired someone new to work overnights and hired a house cleaner.

Two boarders, grown men, and I hired a house cleaner. Yeah. Meanwhile, mom's willing to try when I'm present but, when I am gone again, it appears that she reverts to her fatigue and lack of want to do anything to push herself and get better.

Sadly, I know this inertia...and probably many people do. We all complain about things and convince ourselves of doing what's easiest or laziest or uses the least amount of energy instead of working hard.

I've found that we often work hard at things we enjoy doing and anything else gets low or no priority. When you work at what you enjoy, the time flies and you sort of have to stop yourself from continuing way beyond a time that is fair to the rest of your life.

I don't know what my mom can do to make caring about herself something she enjoys. For me, cooking helps me to enjoy the low carb lifestyle - cooking and the detective work it takes to deconstruct familiar and well-loved recipes to build a better version without the use of foods that hurt my body. The end result, every time, is that I love taking care of myself when I figure out some genius way to make something I know I can eat and love and will not stress my liver or pancreas or heart by eating.

I left mom's happy that I didn't fall off the wagon - not even for Thanksgiving - and I didn't feel bad or left out by not eating pie, carrot cake, mashed potatoes or gobs of stuffing. I had some turkey, green beans, gravy and a little cranberry sauce <- some carbs in there, but choices I could live with very very happily.

I left mom with a daily schedule of round the clock care and a mention that if she really doesn't choose to help herself, then hospital care or a move to Virginia is next. I WILL move her here if it appears that she needs 24 hour care for the rest of her life. She has a window of opportunity right now to change that need...and I hope she can find fun in it. I hope she can come out of this. I'm prepared for if she can't, though, and I'm sticking to my boundaries.... and taking care of me.

Now, if only I can make exercising fun. I may have to join a dance class. It's the only exercise I truly LOVE to do.

Selfish, Maybe

My house is full of crap. All of the upstairs is extra packed with stuff that has either come from the basement or accumulated because nobody cares and we are living like hoarders with little paths to our doors and not much else. I'm confined, hating it, cannot WAIT for the downstairs to be painted, get shelving, and to get shit done putting things back and sorting what's to give away and stuff.

I've got Thursday and Friday off and the basement is scheduled to be ready for all that redistribution I've been looking forward to for ALMOST A YEAR. Finally, there will be room to move, space to run around, breathe, smile, relax and enjoy my home. I can have people over again! I have Thursday and Friday to help organize where everything is going and has got to be - I'm the wife and the mom, it's what I do. I do that.

But, wait! I am also the daughter... I am technically the only child in a house that once had four and, by default, I am responsible for the care of my mother when everyone else is busy and/or is tired of doing it. I get it, and I am ok with loving my mother and being there for her. I'm a little upset that I have to be right NOW, with basement getting readiedness and two whole days to stay home and sort and organize things....two days to make my house the way I want it.

We were even going to skip Thanksgiving and just band together to get it done.

But, mom. And my uncles are maxed out taking care of her and their own needs. Her hired help is beginning to suck a whole lot and has a shitty attitude...and nobody seems to know whose job what is anymore. There needs to be someone to go there, sort people out, manage the care, stop the bickering and tell the grown-ass people who live off of her to get over themselves and contribute to making her house a positive environment or GTFO.

Guess who's job that is?

I can do it from here, but I can do it from there.

And if I go there, I have to neglect here. Sure, here can be done when I get back, but I won't have another two days off for it...in months. MONTHS. because I work 7 days a week. And don't think for a moment if I go up to my mom's I'll get a lot accomplished. There are too many control freaks in the equation and I am not her proxy.

I'm going to call her proxy, my cousin, tonight once I hear how mom's doc visit goes, and then I have to decide whether I have to skip this couple of days I've looked forward to for a year...or if I'll sort my house and go to Mannheim Steamroller after all.

I selfishly want to stay home.

I love my mother, though, more than I love my days off and Mannheim Steamroller...so I will be there if she needs me and that's the bottom line.

Down another 3 pounds, btw.

So Surprised, I Could Cry

I went for blood work Friday to see how I am doing on this EAT MORE FAT, EAT LESS CARBS lifestyle I've been messing with and oh, my gosh. I was stunned just to see the cover letter:

"Dear Wendy Edwards,

Your labs show your cholesterol is actually a little better than it was in the past. Your thyroid studies show your body is maintaining circulating thyroid by stimulating the gland more. Your B12 level is on the low side, so increasing foods that have B12 or taking a supplement would help."

That was from Dr. N.

....did that just say my CHOLESTEROL is BETTER?! I read the results. My cholesterol is at 179.

My HDL is 35 <<- a bit TOO low. I think that will improve with exercise.
My LDL is 109 <<-- not bad! not GREAT but much better than my brain anticipated, eating bacon and sausage and meaty things.
My Triglycerides are 177 <<-- According to the American Heart Association, this is slightly above normal.

Still. These numbers are shocking to my sense of what's realistic.

And my THYROID is stimulating itself a little more? For someone who's been diagnosed with hypothyroidism that is the BEST. NEWS. EVER. I'm completely thrilled.

I happen to think the high BP from the other day really was the cheesy potato rush, but I am going to continue to take the Lisonopril until I'm comfortable going without it.

Today, Barb increased my workout sets from two to three. NOT GOOD NEWS BECAUSE IT HURTS.

But, in all, this is very, very good news.

Say yay with me. :)

After the blood rush.

So, I went a little crazy last week and ate A PINT OF CHEESEY POTATOES from Belmont Barbecue. Yes, they're that good. It took me a few hours to do it, and I hadn't meant to eat it all, but I kept dipping in an dipping in until I finally accepted defeat and dumped the mash in a bowl and stuck a fork in it. I'd already had a little pork and a little brisket, which I MEANT to purchase for my lunch.

I got the potatoes because they were an offered side. So was coleslaw, but look which one I picked. And I felt rather guilty about the potato pint, and then I felt really frigging terrible.

I felt stuffed, first, but more importantly I felt tired and sickly and my head felt like it could have exploded. I could hear blood rushing my ears, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. I was queasy and unhappy and sent myself to bed.

I did debate making myself throw up - that's how bad it was and how much I wanted to make it stop - but the thought of that scared me enough not to.

I went to bed. I woke up, still lousy feeling, and had to go out for the night. I felt okay while I was out, but when I woke again the next morning I could tell the ramifications of pigging out on cheesy potatoes were not quite over with. And I had a doctor's appointment first thing.

I've had this fasting appointment scheduled for three months, so I didn't skip. I went in for the blood draw because I want to make sure I'm doing ok with this diet. Results are still pending for that; however, my blood pressure that morning was 160/104.

The nurse wasn't going to take my BP as there wasn't an order for it, but I told her what I did and how I was feeling so she went ahead. Then she said... "YOU are going to see the doctor today."

The doctor stopped in and we talked about cheesy potatoes and my normally low carbs lifestyle and I asked "can the sugar cause my blood pressure to spike?" and she said no, it's salt. So, okay, salt.

Then she put me on Lisonopril. I agreed to take it because I felt worse than hangover horrible and I've been on it for three days since...but I was still curious about the starch/sugar of the potatoes being the problem.

I called Ivana who said heck, yes, the starches can work that way and she recommended a chapter of a book I already have and gave me the name of a doctor to call who is familiar with this low carbs thing.

Then I hunted Google to understand, if I could, how starches can be the culprit. I found that it's possible, but I'm too tired to show you how. But you can look it up: Sodium IS what spikes the BP but insulin reaction causes the sodium release that spikes the BP. Interesting huh?

So, I'm hoping the BP will get and stay reasonable and I won't choose to eat a pint of anything heavy salt and heavy carbs again soon. or ever.

In better news, I've lost 6 more pounds as of today.

No weight lost this week..but my boobs are leaving me!

First: No gain this week and I'm happy to report that my mom has super help at home and seems like she's willing to put some effort into regaining strength and things. Yay, mom! :)

As for me, I've been okay. I've got a habit in place of going to the gym Wednesdays and have added Mondays to it. Remember the small steps/slow process thing? Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Snail's pace, but I want this stuff to last. No more burning myself out with all-in or all-out personality quirks.

Now, about my boobs.

I'm down in bra size. If you don't want to know about my boobs then stop reading this. If you do want the skinny, oh, my gosh: I'm losing my boobs. I'm NOT okay with this in the least because 1) I've had pretty great ones. 2) Just think of deflating a car tire. Yes, it's happening to me. I'm told that when this is all over it won't be as dramatic as it is right now. That had better be true! So, I took my deflating boobs to a shop yesterday to find a smaller sized bra (in hopes of defying gravity!) and was in complete shock to find that I not only lost TWO INCHES off my size, I went down a cup size, too.

Yay for the loss, right? You'd think, except I'm more like mourning the rack I didn't mind having. And now I have boring boobs to stare at in the mirror and nose-wrinkle at.

At the bra shop, I found a few that I liked, nothing fancy with lacy bits or anything. I like the straightforward t-shirt style ones that keep you up and feel comfortable and haven't got an underwire, just really good structure. But, they didn't have my size in those...they only had underwire types left. Desperate for a bra that fits, I walked away with a few of those...and they do make me look pretty great, but my boobs end up nearly under my chin somehow. WHYEE?!

I bought the bras because I was completely romanced by the notion of wearing ones that fit...but after wearing them at home, I really don't like how they fit at all. I don't like the material and I kind of HATE the underwire...so I am going back to the store with all bras in hand tomorrow to say "CREDIT, PLEASE."

Back to the loose-fitting ones 'til I try the other shop. And would people stop being my size please? I'd like to find some when I get there.

P.S. Dear God, please help my boobs look normal again soon. Or else. Love, Wendy

Life Sucks when your Mom is an Invalid..

...or nearly is. In the past two weeks I've gotten texts, emails and private messages warning me that my mom is very unhealthy and is not doing anything to help herself. I don't know if she has the energy, battling sickness, that she needs to help herself or if her will is broken. I am in the should I stay or should I go debate, with everyone telling me they will let me know if I should go up there. How do I stay put? I'm embarrassed for my mom. She's grown to a very huge size and, I'm told, hardly gets out of bed now.

She calls and talks to me like it's just another average day of going to the restroom and having popsicles because she's feeling dried out. She can hardly walk on her own but recently texted me to say she went without a walker, all by herself, from one place to another - progress!

It's hard to tell if there is progress or if she's really fighting a losing battle. Is she trying too little too late? Is she physically unABLE to help herself anymore? She won't go to a hospital nor will she accept that she needs REAL TRUE managed care and assistance. She has friends and family and people who are in her house to help, but they love her and they'll do for her what medical caretakers would not.

I called my mom recently and cried, simply cried, because I don't want her to die, especially like this: broken, alone, depressed, enormous, blistered, bored, lonely and immersed in what many of us would call personal hell. I cried and I told her I didn't want to lose her. I told her I didn't want her to die and I still need her and love her.

She said she's not going to die and she's tried to make me feel better..but I feel so hollow. I feel very, very hollow and afraid.

Weight Update

I can't believe it myself...but the numbers are what they are. Since beginning my program, I've lost 30 pounds. I know! I am going like this.

Follow-through: A sign of progress...

I have stocked the fridge with "go-to" foods so there is no reason to cruise out of here any morning for at least a week without bringing something breakfast-like along. I think my favorite so far is the butternut squash and pumpkin casserole I had a little of for lunch today. It is so good!

And so, already I've found that I want to zoom ahead and get stuff done, like be a size 8 by tomorrow; however, I know that kind of mentality isn't going to help me. That gung-ho woman at the start of this blog? She's not good for real results over a long period of time. I'm slowing down. I'm being more conscious. I'm making room for things I must.

It never ceases to amaze me that the world works in your favor when you choose a healthy option for your life. For instance, I decided this slow and steady approach to weight loss (pick a habit, make it my bitch, pick a new habit and so on) and along comes Suzanne, who I have followed for quite a while on twitter, and with a tweet that introduces me to Christine Hohlbaum, whose book is about finding ways to make change more like a permanent thing. So, yes, I am buying her book and yes, I am going to get in touch with her.

I am so going to take this introduction as proof of my readiness to employ this approach. I hope I don't bore you with my slug-like movement.

AccountableMe

I'm making all sorts of decisions to secure a nicer day-to-day lifestyle for me and my family and part of that includes being more and more accountable to myself about diet and exercise.

I thought by letting go of two jobs I would be giving myself more time to get stuff done that I care about, like taking care of me, but guess what? Every ounce of that time I tried to give myself suddenly became filled with a bunch of other things. I'm not crying "victim" because I brought this on myself and I'm learning how to do things differently...so no harshness, just observation.

But, okay, I was with Ivana 2 weeks ago and we're due to meet again on Tuesday next. While with her, I made two important goals:

1) let go of my paper writing job
2) make breakfast at home and take it along (instead of getting drive thru junk).

The first was THE hardest thing I've had to do in a very long time, but I did it. And I've done what I can to make bringing breakfast from home an easier thing to do every day, too... like making an egg bake ahead of time and scrambling sausage with veggies and storing it in the fridge. i plan on making a "mash" from a recipe that calls for butternut squash and pumpkin, and i'm gonna steam asparagus, wrap individual wands in prosciutto and use those for snacks or an occasional breakfast. so, there you have 'em: plans.

I've decided small steps are best because I keep taking on too much at once and then I stall or give out or something happens to disrupt my routine and I lose momentum. I lose that "discipline" feeling that I see and admire of my father-in-law's daily do list. So, here's to change that I can manage well. Thanks, Ivana. :)

Down a Pound!

And I'm just about to "break a ten" - what I say when I bust through a tens spot on the scale and move down in weight (hopefully to never see those higher numbers again!) I hope to have broken it by next week. That will be stellar. STELLAR, I say. Do people still use "stellar"? Maybe I'm a dork.

Reduce, Reuse, ReTreadmill

So, I've significantly reduced the amount of work I do in a day. I want to make sure my decision gets the respect it deserves by making the time I've earned count for something. So, I had to ask myself what I want...and the answer was discipline.

My father-in-law is a retired U.S. Major. He's happy and motivated by taking care of himself. His routine is so established that it is predictable down to the orange juice he has to have with breakfast and the cup of soup he enjoys with every lunch. He exercises daily. He sets out to do things and completes them. He doesn't take on things he doesn't feel he can commit to. I believe he is a good example of personal success because he is happy and comfortable with his self-care, and he can do it in a way that serves others but that doesn't compromise his happiness and comfort.

His way of doing things has been on my mind because I'd like to achieve some of the same things he has - especially the personal commitment to taking care of myself.

As you know, I've made some immediate changes in order to treat myself (and others!) better, be less hard on myself, less taxing on someone else...so I feel I am on my way.

This morning, I woke with the idea that I would make a list of things I want to be disciplined about. I even went to Google for others' examples of living a life of discipline - and wow, I am glad I did!

I found this site written by a Zen practitioner to be really helpful. At first, I wanted to argue that discipline is no illusion - I see my dad in law stick to it. I see others around me, like Jay at work, stick to it...and I want to, too.

After reading the "discipline is an illusion" post, I had to admit the content makes sense. Not only that, but it makes 'discipline' accessible and lends to the appearance of PROBABLE, should I go ahead and apply the principles of discipline I admire so much of others in the controlled environment the zen piece describes.

Ultimately, I know the decision and the exertion is mine alone. I know that nobody wakes my father-in-law up and tells him to exercise today. Nobody shakes Jay out of bed and says he has to pray and spend the day celebrating everyone he meets. But they do it. Because they want to.

It feels right to think about what I want to do...and that zen-writer piece seems like a good reference to use again and again until I do feel disciplined. To me, there is admirable strength in making healthy choices for oneself...and I, of course, want to live admirably.

So, I'm going to think about this and jot down wants for myself until I can form a list that I'm happy with and eager to go ahead with. And I'm going to meet Barb at the gym today, as planned, because I really like to be there and I really like her company and I really like the feeling I get when I've accomplished that hour of self-care.

One down...a billion to go!

I stayed on course and swerved to go to the gym today instead of coming straight home. This was progress. If it's the only thing I do the entire day that feels like progress, then it was. I'm so glad I did it. I hesitate to call myself "Back on Track" so I'll just say yay a tiny bit. I need a tiny yay right now. :)

Square One.

Hello, square one. It's poo to see you again, but here we are. I've been feeling lost and kind of alone with this weight loss stuff lately...and I've lost focus on diet and exercise and I've lost the ambition to get up and go, go, go.

Part of this comes from the changes I've had to make outside of any personal weight loss or gain. Maybe all of it does. All I know is that this weekend, I spent most of my time staring at the fridge, unable to figure out what to make or eat. I barely had anything. I let the treadmill be a clothesline. (Insert heavy sigh and sagging shoulders here!)

I let go of routine prayer in favor of sleep.

I still have hope inside of me. I am not completely desolate! I'm just having a rough couple of days following a major and difficult decision to let go of a job I love, but am no longer good at doing. I'm too busy for it. I'm not committed to it like I once was. I wasn't being a good partner and, as much as it hurt to recognize it, I had to let it go.

That's two jobs I've decided to let go of. And even though I know my decision was the right one, it was a tough one, and I've had a post-breakup weekend like you wouldn't believe. I even skipped a bunch of meals and then ate a slice of cake. I did! Not proud, just being honest about it.

I know I'm up a few pounds because I feel differently when I get out of bed it's more like a lethargy takes over than a spring from the mattress ready to rock these days. I feel differently in my skin - the way a woman does when PMS is settling in - and uncomfortable and everything.

I told myself to get back to square one today. What is it about square one that makes you feel completely stupid? It is as if everything I've learned and know how to do has been lost and now we are starting over....even if that's not true. I know a lot and can do a lot. So, I guess I just have to find that nut of knowledge I've been keeping somewhere and crack it open again.

Find-a-Friend

Part of what makes this journey so tough for me is that I don't know too many other people going through it. I do read blogs and often find strangers inspiring, but no one in my immediate life is doing what I'm doing. I have one friend who is exercising and doing really well, but due to budget we can't work out together. I have another who is willing to walk or run with me, but I have to get where I can manage to do so (my time management is horrible right now). ALL THE BUTS IN THE WORLD!!!

I've told Ivana, my nutrition coach, and David, my belief detective, that I'm feeling this loneliness despite getting to blog because I'm kind of in this boat by myself and because I am a highly social person when it comes to this kind of stuff, I think it will help to have a buddy. or buddies. Like a Weight Watchers support group? I like feedback and learning and exchanging ideas and stuff. I was supposed to have a support group with Yourishment but none of the ladies besides me continued past day one - this is a TOUGH diet to manage...so I don't blame them for deciding not to do it...but I am alone.

So, David hooked me up with this link that has people on all kinds of diets and there is bound to be someone like me or who is doing the same kind of work I'm doing - or even better, someone who HAS done the work I'm doing - and maybe I can get some pointers or learn menu ideas or ways to create exercise routines around my NUTTY schedule....just...all of it. I'm going to try it out and see where it leads. Just sayin!

Internal Reboot

I don't care what anybody says, changing my diet has been a tremendous event - and a tumultuous one! One week I am up, the next I am down... and in some weeks I am up and down emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually - ALL OF IT!

This week has been one of those mixed varieties where I feel good about having sought relationships with the people who are knowledgeable and can support my weight loss and my changes in a positive way and I feel bad about eating poorly: not really eating on time, skipping meals, eating high calorie foods in a hurry to replenish me because I've skipped eating too much....and not really exercising.

To be fair, I've had some really emotional weeks of changing my life around: finding help for mom, taking care of my home, my family, realizing the impact of how spread out I am and how much it affects how I feel about myself...and that when I do that, I am disappointing others who depend on me. I have come to realize my way of doing too many things really bites it.

So, I've been paring back here and there to narrow my focus on what I feel I am supposed to do most: to minister with love and humility to a wider audience than I am currently keeping. I hope that I do so via radio, but I've yet to see how it will come to pass. What I know is that I have to set my path on that ministry goal and be ON it - and I have to set my mind on spending REAL time with my family doing the things we've been saying we'll do and never getting around to it.

I have had to ask myself, "Who is this Wendy of incompleteness and why is she in my life?" Because I'm a lot better than that. Thanks to my coaches in nutrition, physical exercise and mental balance, I've got a clearer picture of the Wendy I need to be. She has been lost...or maybe she has not even had the chance to be in existence.... but it's time she was.

I'm sure I will have good days and bad days, up and down weeks, and all kinds of distraction to keep me thinking, but I hope to remember that I've taken a stand for humility and that is why I'm here.

So, I've let go of things I can't commit to properly and I am humbly carrying on toward my goals of health, family and ministry - even though it makes me cry and is hard to accept.

I have to get the weight off.

Feelin like a Dog

The one thing I find it tough to do now that I'm not including simple carbs and sugar in my diet is: have an appetite. And, according to my food charting, I am not eating enough calories. Even my food chart calculator thing (I use an online one) gives me warnings of not eating enough calories and therefore storing fat rather than burning it. So, I may have to set a timer and start planning for food on a schedule like we set for infants. I don't pick at food. I don't go "bored food hunting." I don't have giant cravings I can't control. I don't stay hungry after I eat something.

I still get hungry, just not as frequently nor as close to whenever it was I ate last. So, the carbs-cutting has helped to regulate that "hungry for no reason" thing that used to set off quite a bit, but it's also kicked away the mechanism that says "feed yourself" to where I don't even think to eat until I'm monster hungry...hours and hours later. That's not good for working my metabolism and I'm not losing any weight. I have even gained a pound and my diet isn't ugly!

I met with Ivana yesterday and she looked at my food log and said "You're not eating enough calories." and I thought to myself, "So my electronic calorie counter keeps yelling at me."

So... I have to find ways of eating more often even if I'm not particularly hungry. And I guess that will make it so that I am never monster hungry? And things will stay in balance. IN A PERFECT WORLD, right? :D

Exercise will definitely help with my metabolism, so I am depending on that a little.. but I may have to set reminders in my phone to beep when it's time to eat. How Pavlovian.

The stamina. The appetite. The wonder of it all....

Here is what I've noticed now that sugar and simple carbs are mostly eliminated from my diet: my appetite still grows, but it doesn't turn me into a grizzly bear and it doesn't get so huge that I have to hurry up and eat something. this means:

I can stay away from drive thrus if only I will adjust my life schedule and take better care of my needs when the day begins. That's something I am working on. I have a tendency to make my daughter's lunch and even make my husband's lunch, but I'll skip having breakfast and skip packing anything for myself to eat before I leave for work. I have prayer time for myself and I make myself a travel mug of tea, but then I am out the door - already planning a drive thru purchase of a breakfast mc-something or BK egg-item.

Drive thru breakfast is not helping me lose any weight so, I've decided (as of yesterday) to wake up a half hour earlier than I normally would and eat breakfast and pack a snack to take to work. I like having lunch at home, so I will continue to do so.

Now, as for stamina. It could be the 17 pounds gone or it could be the things I don't eat any more, but let me tell you... I have BARELY exercised since beginning this program. I make it to my Barb days, but I have skipped every other night or day of working out. Fortunately, I expected to go through some of that behavior. I'd read up on this food changing existence before going into it and Dr. Eades warns that exercise goes kind of by the wayside for a while. ...but then it picks up again. I think I am in the picking up again phase now. Barb is really good at kicking my butt AND keeping my head on AND keeping my goals in mind.

I feel like I have gained clarity by eating this way - can you believe it? I am able to get more accomplished. I think more clearly. I function more thoroughly, too.

The most fun I am having with this is that I get to make new recipes. I'm going to share some with you next time I post...and squee about a food processor that I bought myself. I realize this makes me kind of a kitchen nerd...but, I'm totally excited.

Exercise resumes tonight. I've no idea whether Hopper will get on the T-mill with me this evening, but I'll do my 30 minutes. I feel relieved getting back on track with exercise. Here we go again!

So, the sugar seminar.

The Case Against Sugar was an interesting couple of hours. Guest speaker Gary Taubes brought his power point talking points and shared his knowledge from having spent years researching the loaded question of whether sugar is a toxin for the body or not.

In case studies, results are inconclusive; however, Taubes says that a majority of these case studies are at the behest of and financially supported by the very companies who wouldn't want the world to discover that sugar is as dangerous as it is - companies like Coca-Cola who use sugar and sugar substitutes like chemically-engineered fructose in their products. Interesting, that.

I haven't done the research and I can honestly say I might never try and crunch any numbers. I may not even go whole hog, as they call it, and lynch the soft drink companies who grant money for these reportedly "fixed" results and lobby money into the American government to keep the industry thriving.

What I can say is that, aside from the time-consuming study, it doesn't take a genius to understand that each of our bodies, as God-made as we are, is capable of having its own tolerances and allergies, apart from our human sameness. Some people can't eat peanuts. If they do, they will break out in hives, asphyxiate and, if left untreated, die. Some people can't process animal milk enzymes. They get severe stomach pain and it digests into the you don't want to know whats. Sometimes, they need to be hospitalized because the pain is excruciating.

So, who's to say Taubes isn't right that sugar is poison to people? Is it poison for ALL people? I couldn't tell you - and I probably couldn't know. But, I can agree that sugar kills. Folks with diabetes type II can blame sugar for their illness. There are endocrine specialists who will tell you that some people just cannot process sugar and maintain optimal health.

I believe I am one of them. I've not been a sweets person much - not a cupcake and cookie eater, not a candy sneak, none of that. I have filled up on simple carbohydrates that very quickly break down into simple sugars and enter my blood stream before digestion even has much of a chance to work. It works that way in your body, too, you see...but, in my body, the surge taxes my liver and sends distress calls to my pancreas and my kidneys (already so tired) get like "oh, no, not you again." and then my body shuts down. I get tired. I get lazy. I get sluggish. I can't continue without a nap.

I am already dealing with hypothyroidism...so adding sugar is like signing up for sleep camp. While other kids will be ready for a good time of fire songs and day hikes, I'll be snoring and very difficult to wake.

So, I do believe Taubes when he traces a disease to its cause and it just so happens to be sugar, or simple carbs, is the X factor. I had an interesting time.

Next post, I'll talk with you about stamina and stuff.

Quick Mention

I am off to a school function for the Hopstar....so I will be brief (and I will answer comments later tonight!) just to tell you I am down one more pound....and I have details to share with you about my stamina and my appetite and cravings. Stay with me, k?

Thoughts before sleep...

I have been quite busy this week, but wanted to tell you things are getting better. I feel good right now - better in a lot of ways.

My state of mind is much better. It's only been a few days since that deep stuff came up about my mom and I am already beginning to think of my health and long-term goals thanks to talks with Barb and my friend who I mentioned. She gives me courage. And my BFE, Steve, is good at encouragement, too.

Robert is now eating from the same foods list I am because he sees my happiness is real. Yesterday, Hopper told me to turn around....so I did, thinking I had something stuck to me. I had no idea she was inspecting my behind. "Your butt is smaller," she said. Then she walk ed away.

The three of us attended a seminar on "The Case Against Sugar," which was somewhat insightful. There is not a lot of supportive scientific evidence that sugar is 100% to blame for obesity or molecular disease; however, the lecture showed the trail leading from heart disease to sugar (going backwards to find the source) and also diabetes...and cancer.

When the American and European diets are compared to Asian and African diets in terms of sugar consumption and disease & death rates, sugar does seem to be a major contributor toward our differences overall.

It is humbling to note that as advanced as we feel we are medically and holistically in this country, it seems we still can't agree on how to treat the body and what the root causes of our pain and suffering are on a molecular level. It just makes me even more aware of how incredible our bodies are and how utterly designed they are...and just like stars and planets, those who study us have barely cracked the surface even as advanced as study has become. Amazing.

To know everything and understand nothing...that's a sentiment that makes Zen practitioners smile - and me, too.

Phew!

That was one heck of a week - and it was only a half week of work! As you know, I came to terms inside regarding my mother...realizing there isn't anything I can do to make her choose positive, health-beneficial foods and activities (whatever she can do) even if I go up to her house and start ruling the roost.

I have a loving friend who shared her own experience of watching her father fall apart before her eyes and was able to tell that to me, with more detail, and also what she learned in that time about his care and her own self-care. Without breaking confidence, I can tell you that she understood me in just the way I needed last week and through her experience I was able to acknowledge just how much I can't let myself be so optimally responsible for my mother. As much as it kills me to watch her disappear, I can't be the who or what that changes her life. Only she can. And when she's ready, she has the help right there in her house: the cousin to cook, the friends to keep her company, family to visit, nurses to watch her health, a physical therapist to get her moving and a dietitian to lord over her menu...and on Friday, I put the word out to my spiritual community at school that I would like to hire someone else.

My mom's pastor has moved out of state and, while I can't be my mom's pastor, I do have friends who can counsel very lovingly and whose mission it is to help older adults in her position. They have patience where I do not. They have the ability to maintain boundaries, which I obviously have to work on. They're also working to become ordained and would not necessarily charge a fee, but I said I would contribute via donation in thanks for the help.

So, four people have responded and if all goes well, I will have given my mom a gift of someone to talk to who won't pressure her the way I do and who might be a good listener and be encouraging - all things I can do for my friends, but not for my mother.

I love laughing with my mom and just shooting the breeze, but when it comes to her inner and outer turmoil, I take on her stress and I do not respond well. Maybe it's due to having lived in an explosive family together that I act this way?

But, the boundary thing... I am working on the boundary thing. I met with Barb, my trainer, on Friday (I'm down two pounds!) and spent the hour we could have been using the treadmill and nautilus equipment and free weights just talking in her office...shedding tears about my mom and my anger and listening to Barb's observation that I have a problem setting boundaries and doing for me what I do for other people. She told me I need to be more self-FULL (not to be confused with selfISH) and...while I have to figure out how to BE that, I can see there is value to it in the things she's said and what my friend said also.

Centering on self. I've often tried to do that and then gotten sidetracked...and I don't realize how not centered on myself I am until I'm stressed like I was the other day from being soooooo absorbed in other people's problems.

I have to figure out how to balance caring about my things while I'm busy caring about theirs.

On a fun note: By doing this low carbs thing I am reminded of how much I like to cook. I really, really like to cook. I get a kick out of this and I'm making such good recipes. And I am going to host a dinner party soon. Watch!

P.S. Thank you, my unconditional friend, for your wisdom and the peek into your world's window last week. I am better for having experienced that.

Angry at Mom and then some

My mom's got a part time nutritionist who gives her Diabetic info and menus she has been handed for years. And my mom doesn't cook for herself. She can't leave the upstairs of her home. My cousin, a grown man in his sixties, cooks everything...and he and whoever else bring her what she wants.

Sometimes they bring her things prepared how they like it and not how the nutritionist wants it. Sometimes she skips the advice and disregards the menus and eats whatever she wants. Because she doesn't have the energy to try.

It's breaking my heart. I argue within myself and with her over the phone because I feel that I may have to go there and get her out of that rut. And how can I? I'm doing all I can to get out of my own rut! Would it be the blind leading the blind?

But the alternative is to do nothing. To wait and see. To watch, listen as she grows weaker, gains more weight, until she can't get out of bed. Right now, she can only walk between a couple of rooms before she has a hard time breathing. She cannot even go downstairs in her own home.

If there was a fire, she would die.

I feel like I am on that cliff again saying, "Come on, Mom, we can do this together. Just try....!" I feel desperate and sad while she stays up there on her second floor her being lost and alone and (for the most part) immobile.

It breaks my heart. I love my mother. I want her to fight.

And I pray that everything I do to get my own body healthy will work because I don't want my daughter to have to feel it is her responsibility to rescue me.

I'm so close to just driving up there and taking over her care (and she would HATE that) at the risk of all my jobs. She shouldn't die this way. Nobody should.

Okay, Greens...Here We Go

Tonight am attempting to make chicken soup with kale, red & yellow peppers, onions and mushrooms. No potatoes! No rice! I am hoping it will taste good. This is my attempt to eat green leafy things.

zero. zilch. three pounds spent!

I'm up three this week. I'm okay with that since I had a pretty full weekend of rich foods. Onward and downward, right? I also think I've got to get more greens in than I've been doing. The whole "how to incorporate more greens" issue keeps coming up with me. First, because I really, really dislike greens. Second, because I don't want them for breakfast...I already have some for dinner usually...and I don't want any at lunch. I have a feeling it would help a lot to include them, though. Something about roughage and fiber...I-dunno. *grin* Onward and downward, my friend.

I've got some things to share about my mom...but it hurts a little to talk about so I will think things over awhile then write what I've been thinking/learning. Love in the meantime!

Today is...

my happy birthday! Yaaaay! I didn't go for cake or anything tonight, just a NY strip steak, grilled asparagus and my new best friend: cauliflower mash... or as my b.f.e. calls it: "notatoes." Dinner was great.

My daughter presented me with a very, very thoughtful gift this afternoon. Recently, I'd gone through storage and started to purge a whole bunch of things...designating some things for consignment, some for yard sale, some for donation....things like that. She saw that I was donating a heap of you-only-wear-them-once prom and wedding party dresses and asked if she could have them. I said she could if she made good use of them (only because I'd intended to donate them to a prom outreach that gives dresses to girls in need) and she said she would.

Well, I'm not sure where the other dresses are...but, she recreated the one I wore as a bridesmaid in my oldest sister's wedding for a porcelain doll. She and her grandmother made the pattern and sewed it together so now I have a little version of the dress I wore on the doll. I was taken by her creativity and initiative and thoughtfulness - really taken. I'm stunned in the nicest way. I put the doll on my dresser so I can admire her work and the care she put into making it.

I make kind of a big deal about things I love, so she's rolling her eyes at me as the night wears on and threatening to take the dress and the doll back if I don't stop gushing. I can't help it though... who thinks of that?! At high school age?!

So, yeah, I had a lovely weekend and a couple of great days off with unbelievable surprise and tasty dinner. I'd say this is a very, very good start to a new year.

Much Needed Escape

I went away for the weekend to a bed & breakfast which I'd had a gift certificate for since Christmas. The place was quite grand and full of fine arts and antiques, a gorgeous wrap-around porch full of lounge chairs and rocking chairs, and an overall slightly too elegant feel. I felt a tiny bit out of place by the look and feel of the downstairs. If it wasn't for the owners, I might have believed the furniture indoors was not for sitting on, but admiring.

The host couple was very accommodating - very willing to work with my needs for breakfast and snacks. For instance, my gift certificate/package included a fruit tray (apparently) but the lady-owner prepared something with cheese and nuts so I could enjoy that. She also kept the mini fridge stocked with water! And while everybody else was eating what looked like amazing stuffed french toast for breakfast, I was having baked eggs with herbs. On the second day, she made spinach brownies with the tiniest amount of flour possible to keep my carbs count low. Very thoughtful, huh? BTW the spinach brownies? They were divine.

I was able to stick to my meal plan for most of the trip. In area restaurants, I ate steak & broccoli, eggplant rollatini w/sauteed spinach, and roast duck w/a green bean medley.

And then I let myself eat ice cream. :) Just once, at Coldstone Creamery, and I found out very quickly that the excitement of doing so wears off about halfway into the cup. Seriously! I was all jazzed to have it...and omg was it rich and creamy...but before I'd even finished it I felt like the flavor was just kind of there and eating it had lost its appeal.

So, I think that when/if I treat myself to something like this again, I will bear that in mind and go for a smaller portion. I thought I would destroy a medium cup that night...but I ran out of joy like my old Buick ran out of gas way before there was a sign of empty. It was a good lesson. I did like the ice cream and I'm still glad I went and had it. There were blissful moments of omg-this-is-amazing to make the decision worth it. Now I can get more with less.

I have to say the best tasting food the entire trip was that eggplant rollatini from Sal's. Out. Of. This. World. It was a mention in a list of appetizers in this sampler thing they offered and I asked if I could order it by itself. It was wonnnnnderful. :) And something I can probably produce from home when I want to make an Italian style-something again. Second, was that spinach brownie. I'm telling you, it was made of divinity.

I am totally pleased that I was able to stick to my plans this weekend. I didn't dip into a single bread basket or order any starchy sides - as tempting as they all were. I had my ice cream, as planned, and that was that. This is my pat on the back.

Still a loser....

Down three this week (which feels more reasonable to me) and still doing well with the meal plan. I could add more veggies to the day and very much intend to do so from here on except for Saturday. I'm having a birthday soon and I've decided to go ahead and have an ice cream on Saturday. They make a "sinless" sugar and fat free version that I'll sample before deciding whether to buy that, but there will be mix-ins. Just saying!

I realize the ice cream will have to be a meal (probably lunch) and it may do things to me I haven't experienced since eliminating sugar; however, I'm going to have an ice cream instead of making/having a birthday cake that will sit around the house and be within reach for days on end.

I plan to quietly celebrate this new birthday by having dinner with family - no friends - at my house and maybe play a game of cards or break into one of the board games in the hall closet. I won't have a cake (and I'll ask for them to not bring or make cake, too) and we won't be doing any toasts with wine or knocking back delicious Blue Moon wheat beer. I'm still deciding whether to follow the trend of meatloaf cupcakes like my coworkers made for our office manager or if we should do something else. Some of my family members will find what I'm doing strange and the concept hard to grasp...so cupcakes like those would be overkill. They're cute though!!

At the moment, I feel challenged because we will be going out to eat a whole lot this weekend...I hope to do well (stay away from carbs sans ice cream) and stick with my plans. I'm not sure how much time I will have to write in Mostly Beautiful...but will try to update.

In case I don't get to catch my thoughts til Monday, have a great weekend. :)

Oh, my gosh...Cauliflower Mash

I steamed two heads of cauliflower florets then put a little of the hot water in my blender, then some cauliflower, then some butter, garlic, real cream, parmesan and monterey jack cheese (just a little bit of each)...and WOAH. I could have used a little less liquid to make the "faux-tatoes" not so runny, but they were so SO good. I can tell that a reheat will let go of some of that water and then they'll be perfect consistency. And flavor? Unbelievable. And carbs? Only 1.5g per half cup. Not bad! And fiber? Whole Foods says there are nearly 12 grams in every 100 calories of cauliflower. That's quite good.

I am no fan of cauliflower when it's raw. And I really don't like it all that much when it's cooked. But, add all the horrible-for-you stuff (really, such small amounts) and it turns into amazing soup. AMAZING. I mixed in chives at the end. Seriously, try this.

I may even try to sautee next time because this turned out so well. (I'm kind of convinced that cauliflower CAN taste good).

Check out this page from World's Healthiest Foods (a resource I use for recipes and nutrition info.)

Group Morning.

Aside from Ivana, I was the only person to show up at group this morning. I don't know why the others were unable to make it or if they've decided to opt out of the program. I have to say that the program, by ALL appearances, seems kind of whack and burdensome. That makes sense. Like any meal plan, there are pros and cons to using this one.

If you love pasta and potatoes like I do...the very idea of eliminating them from your diet is well, daunting is too gentle a word. If you worry about heart attack and stroke as much as I do...horrific is along the lines of what this mentally feels like.

Physically, I can't really compare just yet because I'm bogged down by some kind of cold or flu or yuck feeling thing. I'll let you know when that's been kicked if I feel much physical difference aside from the reasonable amount of pep I have acquired for having shed the pounds.

But! Back to the meeting this morning!

Ivana arrived and we talked about different ideas I could use for breakfasts because I get kind of tired of eggs - even though I like them - and she was cool about giving me some tips. Just sitting there, I found myself coming up with tips of my own, too. It's amazing what a few minutes away from your world of responsibility can do for your mind. I felt clear and focused and able to think about the things I have been eating and what things I intend to try and so forth.

Thank goodness for no and low carb recipes. They are so much fun to try and make, too. I love it when I discover something as if it's new. Tonight, I am going to attempt to make cauliflower mash... and somehow it is supposed to be mashed potato goodness without the calories or the carbs. I'll let you know how that turns out. :)

If I do really well on this meal plan, I think I will start publishing recipes for other people who, like me, had no use for veggies and were unconvinced they could ever taste great. Because they do. Crazy, right? ;)

The day or so before weigh-in

Every week, just before weigh-in, my body awareness is heightened. I touch my hips, my thighs, my stomach and my butt a lot just to see if they "feel" the same. I watch the rings on my fingers to judge whether they're tight or loosened. For some reason, I feel like a sausage before a weigh-in. I think: I've had to have gained this week. Even when I've done everything I can to stay with my meal plan.

This week, I'm thinking it is impossible to have lost weight. I've had corned beef and cabbage, steak and green beans, egg breakfasts, bacon, sausage, lettuces, cheese for snacks...and my morning tea, of course. I feel -fat- today.

My weigh-in is on Wednesday and I'm not convinced that I haven't gained some weight. My clothes fit okay. I don't like my stomach. The way it feels when I run my hand over my middle, over my shirt gives me pause.

I haven't been exercising all week. Not really. I was gung ho, now I'm ho-hum about it, mainly because I'm at war with a head cold. So far, I've been winning and it hasn't been able to make roots....but it keeps coming back and then I have to fight it off all over again...with sheer will power and cough drops and lots of fluids.

I need to be drinking more water.

I know I'm doing SOMEthing to the fat cells in my body because the places that were once hard to press into, such as my calves and my abdomen, have turned supple. I can't help poking at them to see how my finger makes a dent. Nothing is jelly-like right now, but these places have definitely loosened. My skin is less taught.

My trainer, Barb, says the fat will turn jelly-like and skin will get loose as I lose the weight...and obviously training is the answer to keeping the skin from dropping from my frame when we're finished.

Is it crazy to be excited about "jelly-like?" because I am. Because it means the fat cells are shrinking.

I hope this head cold feeling will finally get gone because I really do feel like doing nothing while it swims around in my skull. In my heart, I want to be doing something to advance in my weight loss journey. In my head, I'm not convinced that I haven't gained and screwed it all up this week. The numbers will say.

Veggies Now?

I give you a picture in lieu of a long post. This is left over corned beef and cabbage - the remains of which I had for dinner this evening. Before this diet, I'd never eaten the cabbage served with corned beef every St. Patrick's Day at mom's house. I can't say I LOVE it, but it doesn't make me gag the way I thought it would. Not in the least.

My friend Vet asked me if something has changed because a few years ago I said I really disliked vegetables...and I did. I don't know what's different now. Maybe that I like fresher foods? We were raised on (mostly) canned veggies and those are kind of yuck. Whatever has changed, I'm glad it has because I have to eat a lot of them!

Bolognese Lunch with Mehmet Oz

Yeah, I decided to finish the leftover bolognese sauce for lunch this afternoon. I had broccoli, too. No pasta was a -little- difficult, but I felt good about what I had when it was over. At this moment I am awaiting that old corned beef and cabbage meal my mother insists on every St. Patrick's Day. It's what's for dinner.

I know I food logged more specifically before I joined the group at Yourishment...but I decided not to do so while I'm using the program. I don't think that would be fair to Ivana or her business - however! I can tell you things I am making and share recipes occasionally and cry a little when I tell you things like there are no carrots, no potatoes in that pot on the stove. It's just mean old cabbage bubbling up with the corned beef. Boo. Hoo.

I do miss potatoes. And did you catch Dr. Oz this morning on Elvis Duran's show? He totally dissed skim milk and recommended the diet I'm following (roughly). Since he has a lot of pull, I imagine a lot more people will be joining me in this undertaking. What irks me quite a bit about Dr. Oz is that his branding company stamps his name on ideas - as if he came up with them. Take this article in TIME magazine, for instance. In it, the writer shares what's now good vs. evil in the food industry...according to "The Oz Diet." Uhm. That diet has only been around for thousands of years. Genius.

So, while I like that Dr. Oz is drawing more Americans away from unhealthy processed "white" foods, I dislike that he essentially cops the credit. Be nicer, Doc!

And I feel kind of cool being ahead of the Oz curve on this one. It is a similar feeling to when you like an "unheard of" band and they suddenly become celebrity and you're like "Pff...I've been their fan since they were sharing one pack of ramen noodles." I just hope I'm not going to see the possible tail end of this. You know: "Uhm. (insert name of band that everybody is really really sick of, and you "found" them first.) They are SO. LAME." Total disassociation. Hah!! Don't let me down, crazy diet.

P.S. The foods I'm cutting make my diet a little more extreme than what Oz suggests, but I feel safer this way. As a carbs addict, it is easier to abstain than try a little for right now. With me, you have to think like this: Would you offer a recovering alcoholic a glass of wine? No? Then don't offer Wendy anything with a big carb count. OKAY? THANKS!

On Being "Mostly Beautiful"

You already know what I'm talking about. I've spent a lot of my life being "gorgeous" and "really pretty" and all things attractive with that big IF word following right along. "Wendy, you're gorgeous. If only you could lose the weight." "You know, you're really pretty. If you lost weight, you'd be AMAZING."

Today, I feel mostly beautiful all of the time.

Maybe it would help to stop telling little girls they are pretty with the IF word or the BUT word attached. It's hard to feel attractive...only this much. That "You would be even more if..." just sinks like a rock to the bottom of your soul.

I'm still struggling with who I see in the mirror.

Less of that, please.

Down WHAT?!

I weighed in at the gym today. I started the Yourishment plan on Monday and completely cut out simple carbs and increased fat in my diet. I'm down FOURTEEN pounds since last week's weigh-in. I don't know that this great a loss is going to happen again, so I thought I'd jot it here. I need someone to gape at it with me. I haven't stopped gaping since I stepped on the scale about an hour ago.

Lately, I have felt like I've lost weight, but I haven't been able to tell where the weight may have been lost from... and yet I remained skeptical that I'd lost any weight at all because I'm eating fattier meats and using real butter and stuff. So, I got on the scale today hoping whatever number showed up was going to help me feel sane and more grounded in whatever reality turned out to be. If I did lose, I figured it would have been a pound or two like I've been doing on my own before Yourishment with Ivana started. If I'd gained, I thought it would be at least 5, maybe 10 for all the bacon I cooked up this week.

I feel pretty good, though. I still get tired a little bit during the day, but not as desperately. I can eat lunch and skip a nap if I want to without any cost to the rest of my day. Something's working out right here on week one. I hope the remaining weeks will be as kind. I'm still fretting over blood work, but I don't get that again until a 3 month period is over. We'll see if this fat is kicking my cholesterol around or not. I sure eat eggs a lot. We'll see.

Okay, gape with me. :o I am full of wonder at this occurrence.

What do you think?

In the interest of "What am I buying into?" I am still researching the 'net for information about this very low carbs diet and the eat more fat idea. I came across this post, which I may have overlooked in the past. I would have probably ignored the mentions author Aneli Rufus placed in this quick read; however, today I took a moment to check it out and really think it over.

That's not to say I wasn't hesitant 'cause I was. I think my willingness to listen, though, is a sign that American people are changing how they think about what they eat and who has permission to tell them what to do. I have to admit, I've been a GREENaphobic. I do like recycling. I do try to limit waste. I do care about our planet and how animals are treated. I've just been afraid of the extremist weirdos who get mixed in.

But, maybe I am becoming part weirdo... because I feel like I'm beginning to be okay with how I view life and food and who tells us what to do. Some of what I feel aligns with GREENophiles. Some of what I feel aligns with the Conservative Christian. A lot of what I feel is...just, plain care. For me, for you, for everything.

How about you? Opinions on the story I linked to are welcomed.

I've got TIME.

Just about to get dinner going... we're grilling burgers (Hopper has veggie burger) & zucchini and having leftover rutabaga mash. I'm tempted to add a small salad, too.

I am slightly euphoric this evening because, like most other Americans, our office is closed tomorrow and I don't have to go to work. I work at the radio station 7 days a week...so a day off is quite precious. I love to be there and I love to be on the radio when I can...but I love that I have a whole entire Monday to spend at home.

I've booked the time with Hopper to get her room picked up (because it is unbelievably cluttered and needs a big, big purge-fest). It may take us the entire day to clean...be worth it, though.

We're walking again tonight because we were lazy buggers on Thursday last week. Back to our normal schedule Tuesday. :)

One cool thing is the amount of time it takes us both to get a mile in is coming down...by just a few minutes right now, but there's promise of a future in this time reduction. That's the kind of motivation I need to keep going. She's doing GREAT on there and I marvel at her power - which she loves.

It's being a pretty nice weekend. I hope yours is, too. Almost burger time here, so I am off to prep zucchini. Love! I've got TIME to just be with my friends and family tomorrow. That is all kinds of nice.

More Fat? REALLY?

You know I'm reducing carbs in my diet, right? I have been able to keep from breads, pasta, fruits, milk (yes, milk has 12g of carbs per serving) carrots, peas and potatoes for...it's been since Monday. Nearly a week. Wow!!! I'm not tempted by the pantry full of them in the kitchen except for when I'm feeling hungry.

So far, on this food plan, I'm feeling hungry a lot. So, I wrote to Ivana. Do you know what she said? "You are not eating enough fat." WHAT?! My mind rejected the logic immediately. I thought, "Okay, what if Ivana's doing some kind of odd experiment with fat people to see whether they will 'buy' the idea that a diet of high fat, low carbs is going to make them lose weight."

Sorry, Ivana, I do appreciate you and I know you to be an informed, intelligent woman...but my mind went there.

Eat more fat. That can't be real. I didn't believe it. So, I did what any overweight fat-obsessed woman would do. I sought Google for wisdom. Keywords: "EAT FAT TO LOSE WEIGHT" "LOW CARBS HIGH FAT" "IS IVANA STRAIGHT TRIPPIN ME?"

Google spit out a number of opinionated forums and a couple of websites, including the blog of Dr. Michael Eades. I absorbed the information he posted on his website about lowering carbs and increasing fats, increasing water, lowering caffeine... a lot of his opinions made sense when spelled out with metabolic explanations of biochemistry attached. "Huh..." I though to myself. "Huh." and kept reading.

Dr. Eades's blog has become my Cake of the Day - a term my best friend ever (BFE) uses often with me because I find something to love with PASSION and WOW! pretty much every day and I soak up as much as I can about it until exhaust both of us with too much info. Cake of the Day can literally be cakes decorated in some sort of theme or it can be blogs full of info like this.

Dr. Eades says MORE FAT, MORE FAT! and explains the body's process of switching from using carbs for energy to using fat instead... ah! See? This makes sense. And I still feel like I am some sort of whacky experiment, but I'm not willing to let go of this food plan just yet. It's only been about a week.

I do want you to know that while I am not eating grains, I AM getting fiber from the green veggies that I eat. I'm learning to drink more water (this is a tough one for me!) and I can totally eat spaghetti squash with a homemade bolognese sauce and LOVE it.

I had black forest bacon from Whole Foods for breakfast today...which was amazing and so good. I paired it with an egg scramble into which I added: sauteed mushrooms, spinach, yellow pepper, onion and broccoli. The result: a very, very delicious breakfast we all really loved. My daughter, the vegetarian, had fake sausage with her eggs, but the result was the same: deeeelicious.

I'm still not entirely convinced that more fat is the key to dropping pounds; however, in the interest of seeing things through I'd like to go ahead with the plan and give it fair effort. I'll judge later, when I see how my body responds via scale numbers and blood work. That's one thing I wouldn't do this without: the companionship of my own medical records and my physician.

Exercise is a bit slow-going still because I'm not out of the tired rut yet, but that is promised to come. I am; however, walking with Hopper tonight as planned. We have a date to do so at 9:30. :)

But, yeah, can you believe that idea? MORE FAT?! I am a little intimidated.

Denying the CarbMonster

Do you have any idea how tough it is to stop eating foods you love? I thought it was going to be harder than this. Maybe I am just in a honeymoon phase with my new diet plan, but I'm not having cravings of baked potatoes and dinner rolls or plates full of pasta right now.

I've been attracted to No/Low Carbs bloggers for quite a long time. One of the chicks I follow has lost an enormous amount of weight by cutting out carbs except for her occasional beer and I've watched her weight go down (and I've watched what she puts on her plate because she photographs it)... bacon and avocado are staple foods for her... and low or no carb veggies and, of course, meat.

So, my own choice to go without simple carbs has been on my mind for a very, very long time. I've just been afraid to try it. It has only been three days since letting go of them (or choosing lower carbs options) and I really thought I would miss them.

I am a pasta FIEND. A baked potato lover, too. But, I'm okay right now. I made a meatloaf recipe that turned out amazingly great. Check it out:

Minced fresh mushrooms, minced fresh onion, minced fresh garlic sauteed on med-low heat in part butter, part olive oil til the onions were soft. Let cool. In a separate bowl mix ground beef, 1 egg, a little cream (cream has no carbs. milk has carbs!) and then add your mushroom mixture in. Mush it all together, stick it in a loaf pan, top with uncooked bacon strips - yes, bacon strips - and bake at 350 F for 70 minutes. I drained all the grease out of the pan and let it rest once it was finished baking...and then even gave it a few minutes under the broiler to crisp up the bacon.

We had the meatloaf with a lower-carb option: rutabaga mash instead of potatoes, and steamed fresh green beans. I'm telling you, it was delicious. The meatloaf wasn't missing the bread - the mushroom bits and the egg did all the work.

That was fun to make.

It's been a full day. Dinner has me feeling full, too. I'm really surprised that I'm not ripping open boxes of rice or noodles to satisfy a carbs monster craving...but I'm not. At least not today.

The Overachievers Club

Hi, my name is Wendy. I have been a chronic overachiever for the past forty years.

Sadly, my story is reflected back to me in the faces of the other women who have joined our Yourishment group. I found (yesterday at group) that we are all super dynamo types who do their best at so many things that there is little to no time spent taking care of our own bodies and safekeeping. Energy just fizzles out by the time we could fit ourselves in.

And there's a common thread as to why we do so much. It's probably not restricted to women who want to lose weight and be healthier, but that it's such a frontrunner response to the reasons we work so hard at what we do that I wanted to mention it here: we want so much to be recognized.

Recognized as what? By whom? That varies.

What's funny to me and doesn't seem to vary is that we've each put on weight trying to be recognized. Kind of a backwards way to get noticed, don't you think? Now, I can't say that's even accurate of me to point out because I'm not sure what my group mates are doing or thinking, I've only just met them. It just showed up during the initial hellos, this red light of an idea that while we're tired and personal energy is a commodity in short supply...we're working our asses ON hoping to get recognized. I have no idea if this really is a psychological issue or if it's just a funky thought that makes me go "...huh." but it reminds me of an exercise I learned in seminary first year.

Practice this with someone who can dig it and take it more like seriously...and you'll be surprised by the power and authenticity of having said and done this:

Person 1 speaks: "I am here to be seen."
Person 2 speaks: "And I see you." (pause) "I, too, am here to be seen."
Person 1 speaks: "And I see you."

I'm delighted to have classmates to see and be seen by - their acknowledgment makes such a difference in my well-being. Maybe I can bring this exercise to my next group meeting...because yeah, doing so much to be everything good to everybody we can is very tiring and self-defeating.

I haven't been as zealous to turn so many heads in....about five or six months, I'd say...and I do credit that exercise and my classmates who are right there to say "I see you" and my close friends, too. I AM here to be seen. I AM here to see you.

There's a famous quote by June Carter Cash that (for her) was said in haste, but (for me) has remained a truth. Someone asked her what she was up to and she said, "I'm just trying to matter!"

Aren't we all?

I'm walking and it's against my wishes.

This is just a post to say I'm tired and I don't want to go walk on the treadmill...which is exactly why I am going to go walk on the treadmill. Plus, Hopper time. I really enjoy the hour of alternate walking and continuous talking with my kid. Plus, she picks out cute movies. We last left off in the middle of Disney's 'Tangled' so will probably be finishing that this evening. The movie tugs on my urge to paint things so much.

I wish I could sleep instead of walk, but. That wouldn't make having written goal 1 worth the time or ink or paper, ya know?

My Three Goals!

Well, today is the day. I was up extra early to meet with my Yourishment group. We had a small meeting in front of La Taza (with the campfire going!!) before the sun had much of a start.

Coach Ivana handed out a basic do's and don'ts foods list to go by and led a brief session during which we made a few "first month" goals. I made three:

1) Exercise for 30 minutes 5 days a week.
2) Significantly reduce, if not eliminate, sugar and flour aka "white foods" from my diet.
3) Work on one activity away from the computer, AND away from work, while at home.

The first goal has been tough to do. I've been semi-successful at it since beginning the gym in February; however, I mean to step it up and get it done. 30 minutes for 5 out of 7 days really isn't that much time to take out of my day. If I'm eating well, and my thyroid starts behaving better, I may more readily have the energy to do this in the coming days so I have made it my want to be at 30 mins/5 days by 9/30/11. I have a month to conquer this. I started working out in February and have waffled my progress since, so this is a new start. I have LOTS of new starts in my personal file. What's one more?

Goal two is kind of ludicrous on the surface; however, I know that a lot of my problems can be pinned to glucose and I don't want to entertain any problems with glucose!! My mom, my grandmother, they are/were both diabetic. I have the genes to follow that path unless I figure out the way things work (or don't) in my system and eliminate what's not working for me.

So, step one is to reduce and eventually eliminate sugars, flour and other high carb foods from my meals. I've done so today and it has been hard to do! I'm realizing that there's hardly anything that exists in the world aside from celery that provides crunch when you eliminate flour from your diet. No crunchy pretzels. No crackers. No bread rolls with a crunchy top. Mouth watering yet? The no crunchy stuff but salads items is an annoying idea. I have a feeling I am going to go through withdrawal. You may need to shut me in a closet for month one. :)

Eventually, I may be able to reintroduce some carbs into my life... things with natural sugar like apples (which I love) and things like that. But, first I plan to make my body a clean slate - so to speak - and then introduce foods one at a time so I can gauge the reaction... does it make me tired? does it make my glucose go whacky? does it affect my blood pressure? etc. So, I'm calling this time period a cleansing. It may be a while before I get to eat doughy anything again...but let's see if I can swing it for the month. One thing at a time, right?

My third goal is to do something other than WORK when I'm at home here. I work so much. I work TOO much on all kinds of things and end up being scattered, leave things unfinished, don't have time for things that take time to nurture, etc. I want to choose a few things I enjoy doing and do them... like watercolor painting or just plain old painting items, or drawing, or put something together, or decorate something, or break out the hot glue gun - I can't sew a stitch, but I can glue anything!

I'd like to get into a few things I learned while at group, alas this is already getting long and I've got dinner going. I'll save that chat for the next time. :) What's for dinner, you ask?

Chicken and Bok Choy stir fry with a little vegetable stock, soy sauce, ginger, garlic & a tiny tiny sprinkle of sesame.

Good morning mantra.

Hello. Here I am, up at the crack of ass so I can be at today's group meeting on time. I have a song lyric playing in my head that I can't say is a real song. It could be something I woke up with or maybe was playing on the radio while it served as my 4:30 alarm. Anyway, the lyric is "I am lost in my mind!" and like I mentioned, it repeats. There's a good beat happening with it and it's played over and over in my head from just before I woke until I started writing this entry. "I am lost in my mind, I am lost in my mind, I am lost in my mind..." Amusing, right?

So once my brain catches up with reality a little more I will take a few minutes to pray and make tea. Good morning to you. :)

We Begin Tomorrow!

This is a headline to an email I received today from Ivana. I'm so excited and yet I've no idea what is in store for me and the other ladies who have decided to participate in this Yourishment group. Here are some things I look forward to:

Over the next 3 months, I will...

• set and accomplish goals in a way that is empowering and exciting
• work to achieve my ideal weight
• understand and reduce my cravings
• increase my energy levels
• feel great in my body
• learn about new foods and re-acquaint myself with some great old ones
• share my successes and questions

That's part of what the email entails. The coach goes into a bit more detail, but I have to save some things for later. I'll be sharing a whole lot of this stuff with you as I go.... so I hope you're ready. I think I am. I am! I'm nervous and ready.

I started these changes on Valentine's Day as a gift to myself and my family. It's kind of fitting that this next section of lifestyle change comes in time for my birthday. Happy Birthday to me! I am liking the gifts I am giving myself this year. They're so much healthier than the ones I used to want.

This birthday I decided I wanted a phone and I'd like to skip the get-together at a restaurant and so forth. I took a few days off work which gives me a four day weekend. I'm looking forward to whatever it is I do with that time (hopefully make it count, right?

School (I'm attending seminary for my 2nd year) begins this month which I'm excited to get into again. I've gotten close to my fellow classmates since our intensive over the summer and it's going to be cool to spend the rest of this year learning and building in ministry with them.

The last few weeks have held such sadness. Before the earthquake came, I couldn't put a finger on what was bothering me. I just felt sad and angry and frustrated. Hormones didn't help. But, there was that deep, deep knowing something wasn't right and things just felt "off" and heart-breakingly sad and tense for no real reason.  THEN came a flood of reasons, from my own lack of want to do anything to my family's upset to the earthquake, the threat of the massive storm, a tragic rollover accident that took the life of a well-loved high school graduate....just awful, awful things. I don't know if it is possible to have felt it before it all happened, but man I was feeling low.

We start tomorrow... and I have such hope that the pain is over and that when we move on and move through the next phases of our lives we can do so with assurance that everything's going to be alright. I need that. Don't you?

Just a quick check-in.

I've made best friends with an antihistamine because sinus headaches are kicking my skull. I'll be better and nicer soon...then I can tell you what has been going on with my walking and stuff. Good news on that: I've been able to push through to get it done, though I definitely feel the loss of momentum and its resulting success. I'll fill in with more soon!

I AM SO GRUMPY.

So, I'm writing out my irritations and then attempting to find the good. It's what I'm inclined to do. It keeps me from going to my bed and pulling up the covers for days on end. Heeeere we go!

I'm still angry that I'm struggling with the hormones rule. And I'm looking forward to the start of my Yourishment group next week. Coach Ivana has a reasonable plan that is going to change the way I eat, the types of foods I focus on, and should safely distance me from my carbohydrates addiction. So, while I am not finished being upset about the crap choices I've made, I'm literally praying for Tuesday to be the beginning of optimal health for me and the rest of the group. Come on, Tuesday!!!

I was so friggen tired at work today, I did everything slowly and I felt stupid. The workday is over. I'm a reasonably good worker. I care a lot about my job(s) and put a lot of heart into the things I do. Today just plain sucked. Tomorrow means there's an opportunity to shake off the dumbness of today. Right? Right. Plus, I may get better sleep tonight (as long as the earth stops grinding underneath the house!) Okay, so the aim is to get sleep, be refreshed and ready to be a rockstar tomorrow.

My husband left to race his car again. I sometimes like it when he goes away to drive his car and hang with his buddies. Some track days, though, I'd like it if he didn't go away. There is a bunch to do and I'm exceedingly nervous about being here with creepy shaky house while he is driving round and round, going wheeeeheeee!!! wahooooo!! far away from the tremors and nowhere near the sounds of thunder. Yes, I am jealous. BOO. HISS. Oh, wait, a good thing. A good thing. Uhm... he'll be back tomorrow. And he's home for the weekend. And that means stuff around the house with his name on it can get taken care of. And being in the creepy shaky house (if the storms come or the earth quakes) won't be as horrible. Bright side.

My brother's constantly fighting, dramatic family simply overwhelms me with its major issues and horrible threats and they worry me, they embarrass me and knowing they are such a mess and UNWILLING TO DO ANYTHING BUT BITCH ABOUT IT AND FIGHT AND BLAME EACH OTHER is heartbreaking. My brother moved out. This could be the start of some kind of healing. Some kind of positive direction. Some kind of ease in the tension and hatred and sadness for the lot of them. I pray that this will be good - not that they won't work it out, but that maybe they will now. I pray.


I told my kid not to let me weasel out of our walking time on the treadmill tonight. WHY DID I SAY THAT?! To be accountable, happy in my skin, proud of myself, on-track with exercise, forward-moving, less sad, less irritated....and that is reason enough to quit the internal whine fest and get my damn shoes on. The more I get this done, the less of a grind it is going to be.

The Hormones Rule

1. The Hormones Rule.

That's the rule. There's only one. I have been living by the hormones rule for nearly a week and I am having the hardest time trudging through it. What's happened to me? I think it's something to do with the P.M.S. theory and this is a real discovery for me. This is the first time in my life I've allowed myself to think about what throws me off of my diet and exercise plans when I am totally getting in a groove. Normally, I get depressed and ignore previous attempts to get healthy so I can dwell on being miserably NOT healthy. Not this time.

While I did sleep a lot, I didn't food log very much, and I totally skipped every plan for exercise SINCE LAST FRIDAY, I did force my thoughts out of the muck of feeling sorry for msyelf and/or guilty for concealing my downfall from the blog world, I made important mental progress.

The question for me now is "what do I do with this?" Now that I have the information (I'm pretty sure that hormones are the troublemaker). I keep coming to this spot and it keeps happening juuuuuust a week or two before my girl parts remind me I'm a fearfully and wonderfully made woman.  I'm not telling you any of this so you'll track my cycle....but maybe you have some insight. Or maybe you have this problem. It is very destructive to go through this WORK REALLY HARD, GET VERY MOTIVATED, DO, DO, DO and GO, GO, GO mentality and physical hype up only to fall so hard, so fast into what ends up being a complete nosedive.

I lose my energy mentally, physically, spiritually. I gain an appetite that I really don't even have before or after - and believe me when I say I make the most unhealthy, unhappy choices and I don't even care because 1) I feel the need to satisfy a  pregnancy-like craving (remember pregnancy cravings? you can't say no to them!)  2) I just want whatever is most convenient and has either the most salt or the most chocolate. 3) I feel weak. It doesn't matter how much strength I've built up for three weeks prior, I feel completely wiped out. Dead. Can't do more. Nothin.

I can't blame sleep because I nap well enough even though my wake and bed times are funky for most people. I can only blame this hormonal shift...it feels kind of like when the world goes out of alignment. And when the world IS out of alignment, it feels even more confusing.

I'm coming out of the downspin now...and I am taking very seriously the "Now you know." mentality so that if this happens again I can still blog, still stay with you even if I can't seem to stay with my awesome health plans. I do think staying away was my biggest mistake.