Since I can't seem to get my mind quiet and I can't stop thinking over every minute spent in the last two weeks of her life, I decided to look at all my Facebook posts from that period just to remember where my mind was, what was happening, because memories get distorted as time moves on.
I came across this poem. I wrote it for my mom (after years of begging me to write one for her) and was fortunate to recite it for her (though she was sedated and on a lot of equipment) two days before she died.
I cried so hard while I was writing it. I've never seen or felt so many tears or so much snot in my LIFE. I sobbed. I sobbed for everything I didn't do when I could have. I sobbed for everything I wished we could still do. I sobbed because I missed her already. I sobbed because it broke my heart to see my mom so sickly - knowing how much she wanted to live and live and live. I sobbed because I held so much pain and yet, despite everything that happened all around me, soldiered like a daughter is supposed to. I sobbed because I didn't know what to do with myself, how to imagine life without her. I sobbed because I didn't know what to do. I was helpless. I was so so helpless.
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| my awesome mom |
When I got to the hospital to read it, I did my best not to cry.. and I read it twice so she could know how much I meant every single word.
if you can't watch the sun rise,
i'll watch it for you.
if you can't get on your feet,
i'll stand up tall.
if you want to feel the ocean,
i'll run through it.
you gave me life, the greatest gift of all.
if you can't say you love me,
i'll just know it.
if you can't take a breath,
i'll drink mine in.
if you can't fight the fight,
i'll find the will, mom.
i'll savor life, the greatest gift of all.
And here I've been for the past month or so bouncing between emotional waves every single day...barely keeping my head above the dicey water. I decided to post the poem here so I can look at it for the promise it was and use it to curtail the want to stop the needs I feel with food.
you gave me life, the greatest gift of all.
if you can't say you love me,
i'll just know it.
if you can't take a breath,
i'll drink mine in.
if you can't fight the fight,
i'll find the will, mom.
i'll savor life, the greatest gift of all.
And here I've been for the past month or so bouncing between emotional waves every single day...barely keeping my head above the dicey water. I decided to post the poem here so I can look at it for the promise it was and use it to curtail the want to stop the needs I feel with food.
I wanted her to know I'd be okay. I wanted her to know I'd be successful. So, a reminder for me.
I have another good reminder I can share with you - but not at this time and not next time! Instead I'll probably join you to debrief after my session with Cara (later this afternoon) some time over this weekend.
