Good news: I was able to go in for an evilbrain evaluation on Thursday last week. Based on my conversation, Cara used Transactional Analysis to help me identify the reasons I get so stuck in what I now recognize is a "high-strung parent" role more often than I'd like.
I was shown a few examples of why this may have become my mode of operation and I could think of plenty more once I considered my later childhood and adolescence - those times in my life when I was unable to feel accepted by my step-family members and sometimes classmates in school.
I've always been a liked person, but a fat girl. Fat was a dominant trait of my step-family members (and eventually, more permanently a trait of my mom's and mine, too) and I discovered years ago that my weight gain and fat maintenance was, and probably still is in some twisted way, related to a need for acceptance by these people whose attention and care I really wanted. I wonder if my mom felt that way, too.
SOME classmates were not accepting of the fat at all; however, many did eventually overlook or get around my big, open flaw because they found me likeable and fun and even very active despite the size of my thighs. This hasn't changed much! Adults are very much the same way, I find. Fortunately, many people accept me as-is. If they didn't, I wouldn't have friends.
But as many friends as there can be, there is an overarching need for acceptance inside my body that strives to get fed again and again. It is not easy to work so hard. It would be nicer to not give a fuck what anybody thinks of me or whether they will accept me, and I do eventually develop the attitude...but this leaves me in the "high strung parent" mode, always working, usually more serious than playful, attempting to be righteous most of the time, pushing at other people to be better, pushing at myself to be better. There's not a lot of relaxation. There's not much of a 'high" either. Mostly, I feel stress.
There is some reward for being like this and that is the feel of accomplishment. Accomplishment is for me, probably like it is for you, validation of a job well done. I LOVE the feeling of accomplishment because, and you'll get a kick out of this, I don't need anyone's acceptance when I've achieved. I accept myself. And I am glad to do good work and I am glad to be who I am. Accomplishment carries me from one quest to the next and feeds me the sensation I can't get from anybody else.
So, can you imagine how stuck it feels to be SO actively high strung, striving for my own personal accomplishment at the ONE thing I can't seem to BEGIN to change, let alone conquer. I can be good at plenty of other things. I want to be good at this.
And I can be.
You believe it. I believe it. Cara, Ivana, Barb, Debbie, my friends and family believe it.
I'm going to continue to work with Cara to try to get out of the "high strung parent" role and enjoy being an adult a little more, enjoy goofing off a little more, too.
And in the meantime, I'll use the behavior I have as a strength instead of a measuring stick. No more "Why can't I just?" questions. No more defeatism because I've screwed up or gotten sidetracked or lost desire for doing the work. I have to treat weight loss and health like I treat every other project I see through to accomplishment.
I quit my daily nine-to-something job so I can focus on actually doing just that.
