Shmatta, shmatta, shmatta....I've had so much in my head and on my heart and in my schedule and wedged into my responsibilities and I kind of lost my way. The phrase "You do a lot!" comes at me on close-to-daily basis. I DO do a lot. And I have way more in my mind to DO. It's because I am no mere THINKer, see. I am here to get things DONE.
And that's pretty great and works incredibly well when I know what I'm DOing.
But, I don't. Or I didn't, since my mother died. I've kept pushing with ambition and, well, projects have especially taken a big back seat for one reason or another. I've come to accept that when world doesn't work with you, it may be time to pause and reflect and maybe find a new direction or let it go and find a new adventure.
You know things have been the SUCK since my mom passed away. I function one moment to the next. Sometimes I don't function. Sometimes I just sit and stare around at the room I'm in and can't think up a single thought, let alone DO something.
I have piles of belongings of my mothers kind of everywhere in my house. I have some things in my car, too. All of that is waiting for me to sort through it. Yeah, it's on the list.
And I have a child, a teenager, who gets a lot of my attention and time because I want to have and do as much with her as I can before she's off to college and only comes home if her clothes stink.
My mom's estate stuff is in limbo, so me, too.
Weight loss attempts have been immediately successful followed by immediately not. And I can't seem to drum the motivation to go all in again. Just can't. My evilbrain goes like this: "Uhuh, I see you waiting, treadmill. Fuck you, treadmill. Fuck you, fast food. Fuck you, walking suggestions and recipes from innocent helpers. I don't need YOU."
So, What do I need? Hugs. I need a lot of those. And...to find some kind of peace with my mom and her death. And I need to get better organized so that I can DO all the things I hope to. And I need to stop wanting to do more until I get what I have already started or gotten into sorted out.
I've started with books. I have, literally, over 40 books I am CURRENTLY reading. Over 40 books, all of which interest me, all of which I read, scattered kind of everywhere from the kitchen to the bathroom. There are books in my car, too. I follow all the stories and know where I am in them, but I think this books all over the place reality is a good example of how I am doing everything. Bit by bit, as I have time, as the need strikes, when the mood hits and all that.
So, I'm starting with books. I've made an excel spreadsheet of all the books I am reading and stuck them in categories like ministry, radio, pleasure, helpful books like how to be organized (HAHAHAHAH!!!!) so I can SEE what I have ongoing. And I've decided to read ONE book at a time (no matter how long it may take me to finish it).
I'm starting with breakfast. I'm not going to worry about drive through lunches or being in a hurry or too tired to cook or anything beyond breakfast. Every day I am making healthy breakfast. No drive through, no skipping, no quick carbs loading.
I'm starting with a quit job. No taking on more stuff, either. I need room to do this sorting, organizing, counseling with Cara (behavioral) and Ivana (nutritionist), and time well spent with my kid.
I can do more later, and be good at it and not overwhelmed and the world will work WITH me. Watch.
That's all I want to DO right now.
