The Overachievers Club

Hi, my name is Wendy. I have been a chronic overachiever for the past forty years.

Sadly, my story is reflected back to me in the faces of the other women who have joined our Yourishment group. I found (yesterday at group) that we are all super dynamo types who do their best at so many things that there is little to no time spent taking care of our own bodies and safekeeping. Energy just fizzles out by the time we could fit ourselves in.

And there's a common thread as to why we do so much. It's probably not restricted to women who want to lose weight and be healthier, but that it's such a frontrunner response to the reasons we work so hard at what we do that I wanted to mention it here: we want so much to be recognized.

Recognized as what? By whom? That varies.

What's funny to me and doesn't seem to vary is that we've each put on weight trying to be recognized. Kind of a backwards way to get noticed, don't you think? Now, I can't say that's even accurate of me to point out because I'm not sure what my group mates are doing or thinking, I've only just met them. It just showed up during the initial hellos, this red light of an idea that while we're tired and personal energy is a commodity in short supply...we're working our asses ON hoping to get recognized. I have no idea if this really is a psychological issue or if it's just a funky thought that makes me go "...huh." but it reminds me of an exercise I learned in seminary first year.

Practice this with someone who can dig it and take it more like seriously...and you'll be surprised by the power and authenticity of having said and done this:

Person 1 speaks: "I am here to be seen."
Person 2 speaks: "And I see you." (pause) "I, too, am here to be seen."
Person 1 speaks: "And I see you."

I'm delighted to have classmates to see and be seen by - their acknowledgment makes such a difference in my well-being. Maybe I can bring this exercise to my next group meeting...because yeah, doing so much to be everything good to everybody we can is very tiring and self-defeating.

I haven't been as zealous to turn so many heads in....about five or six months, I'd say...and I do credit that exercise and my classmates who are right there to say "I see you" and my close friends, too. I AM here to be seen. I AM here to see you.

There's a famous quote by June Carter Cash that (for her) was said in haste, but (for me) has remained a truth. Someone asked her what she was up to and she said, "I'm just trying to matter!"

Aren't we all?

I'm walking and it's against my wishes.

This is just a post to say I'm tired and I don't want to go walk on the treadmill...which is exactly why I am going to go walk on the treadmill. Plus, Hopper time. I really enjoy the hour of alternate walking and continuous talking with my kid. Plus, she picks out cute movies. We last left off in the middle of Disney's 'Tangled' so will probably be finishing that this evening. The movie tugs on my urge to paint things so much.

I wish I could sleep instead of walk, but. That wouldn't make having written goal 1 worth the time or ink or paper, ya know?

My Three Goals!

Well, today is the day. I was up extra early to meet with my Yourishment group. We had a small meeting in front of La Taza (with the campfire going!!) before the sun had much of a start.

Coach Ivana handed out a basic do's and don'ts foods list to go by and led a brief session during which we made a few "first month" goals. I made three:

1) Exercise for 30 minutes 5 days a week.
2) Significantly reduce, if not eliminate, sugar and flour aka "white foods" from my diet.
3) Work on one activity away from the computer, AND away from work, while at home.

The first goal has been tough to do. I've been semi-successful at it since beginning the gym in February; however, I mean to step it up and get it done. 30 minutes for 5 out of 7 days really isn't that much time to take out of my day. If I'm eating well, and my thyroid starts behaving better, I may more readily have the energy to do this in the coming days so I have made it my want to be at 30 mins/5 days by 9/30/11. I have a month to conquer this. I started working out in February and have waffled my progress since, so this is a new start. I have LOTS of new starts in my personal file. What's one more?

Goal two is kind of ludicrous on the surface; however, I know that a lot of my problems can be pinned to glucose and I don't want to entertain any problems with glucose!! My mom, my grandmother, they are/were both diabetic. I have the genes to follow that path unless I figure out the way things work (or don't) in my system and eliminate what's not working for me.

So, step one is to reduce and eventually eliminate sugars, flour and other high carb foods from my meals. I've done so today and it has been hard to do! I'm realizing that there's hardly anything that exists in the world aside from celery that provides crunch when you eliminate flour from your diet. No crunchy pretzels. No crackers. No bread rolls with a crunchy top. Mouth watering yet? The no crunchy stuff but salads items is an annoying idea. I have a feeling I am going to go through withdrawal. You may need to shut me in a closet for month one. :)

Eventually, I may be able to reintroduce some carbs into my life... things with natural sugar like apples (which I love) and things like that. But, first I plan to make my body a clean slate - so to speak - and then introduce foods one at a time so I can gauge the reaction... does it make me tired? does it make my glucose go whacky? does it affect my blood pressure? etc. So, I'm calling this time period a cleansing. It may be a while before I get to eat doughy anything again...but let's see if I can swing it for the month. One thing at a time, right?

My third goal is to do something other than WORK when I'm at home here. I work so much. I work TOO much on all kinds of things and end up being scattered, leave things unfinished, don't have time for things that take time to nurture, etc. I want to choose a few things I enjoy doing and do them... like watercolor painting or just plain old painting items, or drawing, or put something together, or decorate something, or break out the hot glue gun - I can't sew a stitch, but I can glue anything!

I'd like to get into a few things I learned while at group, alas this is already getting long and I've got dinner going. I'll save that chat for the next time. :) What's for dinner, you ask?

Chicken and Bok Choy stir fry with a little vegetable stock, soy sauce, ginger, garlic & a tiny tiny sprinkle of sesame.

Good morning mantra.

Hello. Here I am, up at the crack of ass so I can be at today's group meeting on time. I have a song lyric playing in my head that I can't say is a real song. It could be something I woke up with or maybe was playing on the radio while it served as my 4:30 alarm. Anyway, the lyric is "I am lost in my mind!" and like I mentioned, it repeats. There's a good beat happening with it and it's played over and over in my head from just before I woke until I started writing this entry. "I am lost in my mind, I am lost in my mind, I am lost in my mind..." Amusing, right?

So once my brain catches up with reality a little more I will take a few minutes to pray and make tea. Good morning to you. :)

We Begin Tomorrow!

This is a headline to an email I received today from Ivana. I'm so excited and yet I've no idea what is in store for me and the other ladies who have decided to participate in this Yourishment group. Here are some things I look forward to:

Over the next 3 months, I will...

• set and accomplish goals in a way that is empowering and exciting
• work to achieve my ideal weight
• understand and reduce my cravings
• increase my energy levels
• feel great in my body
• learn about new foods and re-acquaint myself with some great old ones
• share my successes and questions

That's part of what the email entails. The coach goes into a bit more detail, but I have to save some things for later. I'll be sharing a whole lot of this stuff with you as I go.... so I hope you're ready. I think I am. I am! I'm nervous and ready.

I started these changes on Valentine's Day as a gift to myself and my family. It's kind of fitting that this next section of lifestyle change comes in time for my birthday. Happy Birthday to me! I am liking the gifts I am giving myself this year. They're so much healthier than the ones I used to want.

This birthday I decided I wanted a phone and I'd like to skip the get-together at a restaurant and so forth. I took a few days off work which gives me a four day weekend. I'm looking forward to whatever it is I do with that time (hopefully make it count, right?

School (I'm attending seminary for my 2nd year) begins this month which I'm excited to get into again. I've gotten close to my fellow classmates since our intensive over the summer and it's going to be cool to spend the rest of this year learning and building in ministry with them.

The last few weeks have held such sadness. Before the earthquake came, I couldn't put a finger on what was bothering me. I just felt sad and angry and frustrated. Hormones didn't help. But, there was that deep, deep knowing something wasn't right and things just felt "off" and heart-breakingly sad and tense for no real reason.  THEN came a flood of reasons, from my own lack of want to do anything to my family's upset to the earthquake, the threat of the massive storm, a tragic rollover accident that took the life of a well-loved high school graduate....just awful, awful things. I don't know if it is possible to have felt it before it all happened, but man I was feeling low.

We start tomorrow... and I have such hope that the pain is over and that when we move on and move through the next phases of our lives we can do so with assurance that everything's going to be alright. I need that. Don't you?

Just a quick check-in.

I've made best friends with an antihistamine because sinus headaches are kicking my skull. I'll be better and nicer soon...then I can tell you what has been going on with my walking and stuff. Good news on that: I've been able to push through to get it done, though I definitely feel the loss of momentum and its resulting success. I'll fill in with more soon!

I AM SO GRUMPY.

So, I'm writing out my irritations and then attempting to find the good. It's what I'm inclined to do. It keeps me from going to my bed and pulling up the covers for days on end. Heeeere we go!

I'm still angry that I'm struggling with the hormones rule. And I'm looking forward to the start of my Yourishment group next week. Coach Ivana has a reasonable plan that is going to change the way I eat, the types of foods I focus on, and should safely distance me from my carbohydrates addiction. So, while I am not finished being upset about the crap choices I've made, I'm literally praying for Tuesday to be the beginning of optimal health for me and the rest of the group. Come on, Tuesday!!!

I was so friggen tired at work today, I did everything slowly and I felt stupid. The workday is over. I'm a reasonably good worker. I care a lot about my job(s) and put a lot of heart into the things I do. Today just plain sucked. Tomorrow means there's an opportunity to shake off the dumbness of today. Right? Right. Plus, I may get better sleep tonight (as long as the earth stops grinding underneath the house!) Okay, so the aim is to get sleep, be refreshed and ready to be a rockstar tomorrow.

My husband left to race his car again. I sometimes like it when he goes away to drive his car and hang with his buddies. Some track days, though, I'd like it if he didn't go away. There is a bunch to do and I'm exceedingly nervous about being here with creepy shaky house while he is driving round and round, going wheeeeheeee!!! wahooooo!! far away from the tremors and nowhere near the sounds of thunder. Yes, I am jealous. BOO. HISS. Oh, wait, a good thing. A good thing. Uhm... he'll be back tomorrow. And he's home for the weekend. And that means stuff around the house with his name on it can get taken care of. And being in the creepy shaky house (if the storms come or the earth quakes) won't be as horrible. Bright side.

My brother's constantly fighting, dramatic family simply overwhelms me with its major issues and horrible threats and they worry me, they embarrass me and knowing they are such a mess and UNWILLING TO DO ANYTHING BUT BITCH ABOUT IT AND FIGHT AND BLAME EACH OTHER is heartbreaking. My brother moved out. This could be the start of some kind of healing. Some kind of positive direction. Some kind of ease in the tension and hatred and sadness for the lot of them. I pray that this will be good - not that they won't work it out, but that maybe they will now. I pray.


I told my kid not to let me weasel out of our walking time on the treadmill tonight. WHY DID I SAY THAT?! To be accountable, happy in my skin, proud of myself, on-track with exercise, forward-moving, less sad, less irritated....and that is reason enough to quit the internal whine fest and get my damn shoes on. The more I get this done, the less of a grind it is going to be.

The Hormones Rule

1. The Hormones Rule.

That's the rule. There's only one. I have been living by the hormones rule for nearly a week and I am having the hardest time trudging through it. What's happened to me? I think it's something to do with the P.M.S. theory and this is a real discovery for me. This is the first time in my life I've allowed myself to think about what throws me off of my diet and exercise plans when I am totally getting in a groove. Normally, I get depressed and ignore previous attempts to get healthy so I can dwell on being miserably NOT healthy. Not this time.

While I did sleep a lot, I didn't food log very much, and I totally skipped every plan for exercise SINCE LAST FRIDAY, I did force my thoughts out of the muck of feeling sorry for msyelf and/or guilty for concealing my downfall from the blog world, I made important mental progress.

The question for me now is "what do I do with this?" Now that I have the information (I'm pretty sure that hormones are the troublemaker). I keep coming to this spot and it keeps happening juuuuuust a week or two before my girl parts remind me I'm a fearfully and wonderfully made woman.  I'm not telling you any of this so you'll track my cycle....but maybe you have some insight. Or maybe you have this problem. It is very destructive to go through this WORK REALLY HARD, GET VERY MOTIVATED, DO, DO, DO and GO, GO, GO mentality and physical hype up only to fall so hard, so fast into what ends up being a complete nosedive.

I lose my energy mentally, physically, spiritually. I gain an appetite that I really don't even have before or after - and believe me when I say I make the most unhealthy, unhappy choices and I don't even care because 1) I feel the need to satisfy a  pregnancy-like craving (remember pregnancy cravings? you can't say no to them!)  2) I just want whatever is most convenient and has either the most salt or the most chocolate. 3) I feel weak. It doesn't matter how much strength I've built up for three weeks prior, I feel completely wiped out. Dead. Can't do more. Nothin.

I can't blame sleep because I nap well enough even though my wake and bed times are funky for most people. I can only blame this hormonal shift...it feels kind of like when the world goes out of alignment. And when the world IS out of alignment, it feels even more confusing.

I'm coming out of the downspin now...and I am taking very seriously the "Now you know." mentality so that if this happens again I can still blog, still stay with you even if I can't seem to stay with my awesome health plans. I do think staying away was my biggest mistake.

About last night...

Like I mentioned, Hopper did great work on the treadmill last night. We split our time up in 15 minute intervals and I went first. She provided the entertainment by way of Finding Nemo on DVD. We had that to watch to pass the time...but we did a little bit of talking, too.

After the first fifteen minutes of bickering had worn down it was fun to be there with her. She knows every noise and facial expression of every character in the movie. In some parts, her recited lines were louder than the film...and I finally said, "this is why I sing along with the radio even when you ask me not to."

Parent:1 Kid: 0.

She only slowed it down a fraction because she likes to show what she knows and was back to quoting lines again. (Don't tell her I liked it.)

On the treadmill, fifteen minutes goes by pretty quickly when you're used to at least a half hour, so it didn't take a whole lot of mental energy to get the job done. Physically, I was tired, but it was worth getting on there and walking just to spend some time together and feel like we're doing something good together at the same time. She's a fast walker, too! I was impressed with her speed and that she could keep such a pace without sweat dripping from the tips of her bangs into her eyes. I didn't think to ask how she does that, but I will next time.

In all, we spent an hour together listening, chit chatting, walking and watching Dori and Marlon swim around looking for Nemo. I have to do some home walking tonight because I had a lunch date and didn't go to the gym (I cannot eat and then go workout, it doesn't work for me at all.) I don't expect her to want to join me, but we've agreed to do this Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays...and I am really looking forward to that.

Food Log: Thurs 8/18

It must have been National Bread Day the way I celebrated...

Wake time: 4:15 AM

7:10/hungry
sm dinner roll, plus Carnation Instant Breakfast + milk

11-ish/thirsty
Crystal light infused waterrrrr.

12:30 PM/hungryish
med apple.

1:30 PM/hungry hungry hungry
Lean Cuisine Asian rice & chicken thing, peas & carrots. 2 slices of white bread. Butter. Water.

NAP: 4-5 PM

5:30ish/omg there are still rolls sitting there.
3 small dinner rolls/killing them all.

8 PM/so-so...
the fish i'd meant to make has gone bad in the fridge (who knew fish went bad so fast!?) with no other options we had food delivered from Dogwood. this was a last resort, I tell you! i had a cheeseburger with bacon, a small salad and a few fries. just a few. but omg cheeseburger. and bread. and bacon. i later guilted because i should have had the fish, should have made it in time, shouldn't have eaten so many breads today, especially those little two-bite dinner rolls. man, what the heck was i doinnnng?

EXERCISE: a mile on the treadmill (with Hopper - she did GREAT!!!!)

Bed time: about 1 AM.

Because I said so.

I'm a good mother. I have a weight problem. My husband has a weight problem. Our daughter has had odd growth spurts since birth where she will remain short and stout then grow taller and slimmer. She's high school age now and the taller and slimmer phases have decreased in frequency. She's short (sorry, kid!) and slowly developing heaviness in her body that I am wary of.

I've talked with a few people here or there. I've read expert suggestions from magazines. I've done the whole "if you ignore it and just model good behavior they will pick up on that" thing and the "take charge of their diet without mentioning that your child is gaining weight" thing to very little cooperation from the child.

People say not to tell your kid they are gaining weight or that they are fat or could be getting fat and yet I know my kid's potential destiny based on her genetics alone is to become overweight and possibly unhappy and probably unhealthy and while I'm aware of the mental repercussions, I can't stand by and say nothing or hope the extra few pounds away.

She is not grossly overweight and she is not problematic, she's not skinny with a little meat on her either. She's growing a tummy and her legs have thickened (sorry, kid!) over time. She has her dad's frame, but my stature.

I realize I am at risk writing anything about this because when it comes to parenting there are bazillions of opinions. When it comes to parenting a kid who needs to utilize a healthier diet and exercise more, there are even MORE opinions. Whatever! To me, it would be horrible parenting if I just stood by and said/did nothing.

So, I told Hopper yesterday that I can see her weight becoming problematic. I told her that skipping the lunches I make for her doesn't help (she is so a lunch skipper) not just because it is a waste of pretty good/healthy food, it's not helping her metabolism any to skip it. I explained that she can easily get a handle on the weight gain right now and that I'll help because I'm working on handling my own.

Well, she listened. Maybe weeks ago she wouldn't have listened, but she sees me working now and maybe that's the difference? I can't say. She IS in her teens and DOES care about being attractive (but not to the extent of most girls) and she's willing to work with me on this.

So, we made a deal: I'll continue help her put good food stuff together, but she has to eat it - and she has to eat at at least 5 times a day. And we'll exercise together on my off days from the gym (UGH!!!!!! But, I will do it for her.)

Later, when I was feeling insecure and like a bad mother for pointing out her problem areas, I asked her if she felt I was picking on her, hated her, thought she was the biggest lard ever... and she laughed and said no. She said she understands/recognizes her weight is getting out of hand and it's a good time to do something about it. She's not going to turn bulimic or anorexic or need psychotherapy and she knows I love her and I'm only looking out for her so she doesn't have to struggle so much at forty like this old hag she knows.

So, I'll be a skeptic and make sure she didn't REALLY take me that way, but I have a hunch she was cool with it and isn't going extreme teen on me. (and I'll pray.) But, yeah, I think we got through that talk okay... and well...now I have to exercise tonight. Walkin the walk, me.

Food Logs: Tues 8/16 & Weds 8/17

Tues: 8/16

WAKE TIME: 6ish AM

7:10 AM/hurried, not hugely hungry
Carnation packet, 2% milk, banana...you know the drill!

12:00 PM/kind of hungry, but want to wait...
Water w/Crystal light

1:30 PM/hungry
a med apple

2:40 PM/still kind of hungry
2 eggs, ham & cheese, whole wheat bagel, Water.

NAP: 4:30 PM to 7 PM

8 PM/not very hungry, but as it's getting late...
a blueberry scone, water.

10 PM/caffeine greed
Diet Coke

Bedtime: just before Midnight.


Wednesday 8/17...

WAKE TIME: 6 AM

7:10 AM/hungry
Carnation instant breakfast, 2% milk, banana.

1:20 PM/hungry
a med apple

EXERCISE: Treadmill 1/2 mile, Bike 1/2 mile (and all the other stuff w/trainer Barb)

2:30 PM/hungry
baby spinach salad w/ grilled chicken & tomatoes, ranch dressing. baked lays chips. Water.

6:30 PM/could eat
chicken parmesan w/linguini, sm salad, diet coke.

Bedtime: 10:30 PM

They are a-changing...

Good news: I haven't gained any weight (even with my non-food-logging weekend!) I didn't lose any either and that's ok.

Better News: My trainer Barb is back from her vacation so gym time was better than it is when I trudge it alone. It is great to see her and to hear what she has to say because I've got enough of a history of learning A&P from massage school and college to understand the physiology of what is happening with my body and I can isolate muscle groups mentally so when she's referring to something or asking me a question, we can both be pretty specific and that is nice.

I explained that I've been doing the mile in her absence and that I wanted to be ready to take on more today...but that I have gotten tired my last two times on the treadmill and had to split my mile up into halfs with rest in between. I couldn't explain why... but she was there to tap on my skull with the DUH hammer and asked, "have you increased your speed?"

Well...yes. I've been kicking the speed up as much as I can becauseIjustwanttogetthewalkoverwith - honest truth! My genius fitness instructor then said, "You're going to get tired earlier if you have your speed kicked up like that. SLOW DOWN."  I made faces. She's right, though, and I hadn't even thought of that as a reason. I like to think I have a rational mind and could have worked that one out on my own, but I sincerely felt it was a mystery, my not being able to finish a whole mile in one stretch, since I'd been finishing a whole mile in one stretch for about two weeks. DUH, Wendy. :)

Now that my brain is in sync with perspective, I'll be doing one long-ass (takes too long!) mile twice a week and then doing shorter bursts of faster walking (she hopes at least a half mile) once a week while at the gym. (This on top of my free weights and nautilus training stuff...of course!) In between days, I get to be sore and walk funny, which is okay...I'm used to it.

So, yeah. Lesson for today is: Consider the obvious, stupid!

Group starts in two weeks (that's when I'll be changing my diet) and I can't wait to meet The Others. I like coach Ivana quite a bit and I can see validity in the things she has to say.  I expect things will get tougher before they get easier when it comes to the diet stuff because I already know some of the foods I will be giving up for a while (or life). I just have to keep in mind that it's all for a good cause: Me.

Hey, I must be doing well because I just called myself a good cause. That's pretty great.

Food Log Monday 8/15

WAKE TIME 6 AM

7 AM/kinda hungry
1 banana, 1 packet Carnation instant bfast (chocolate) w/2% milk

1:30 PM/hungry
1 lg. apple

2:30/hungry
Ham and swiss on wheat with mayo. Water.

6:30 PM/hungry while cooking, hah!
3 sm. oatmeal cookies.

7 PM/so-so, kind of lost the hunger from cookies.
boca burger (vegetarian) w/baked beans. no bun. Water.

EXERCISE: 1 mile on home treadmill.

11 PM
Diet Coke.

When DOES it become a habit?

I am so not into a habit of going to the gym. I am into a daily conversation over whether I am going to the gym and what I am going to do there - and then my evilbrain steps in with its own "ahem" list of excuses that I can choose from if I'd rather. I have come to accept that I have to allow a moment for my evilbrain to think of why I can't, wouldn't or shouldn't go to the gym on a gym day (MON WED FRI) and then I have to allow for my rational mind to reason away the excuses.

Sometimes the excuses win...just a little. I think if I didn't let myself "mess up" sometimes I'd get angry at this process and say "fuck it all" and quit it. Then again, I have to be careful not to let myself give in (as opposed to messing up) because it is just as easy to continue making diet and exercise mistakes on purpose to eventually say the same thing.

Let me tell you about my weekend: I DID NOT FOOD BLOG! I had a friend visit, I had a lot of running around/dining out to do and I let myself just -be- for the weekend. I didn't blog, I didn't food log, I didn't go to the gym after Friday and I still found myself making pretty good choices. Twice, I totally over-ordered food.... by that I mean I felt "so hungry I could eat a house," so I'd ordered the kitchen, only to begin eating and then realize that I can't possibly eat a kitchen. My own body shut me down when enough was enough before I could grab for more. I felt full and kind of lazy and a little achey, for instance, after some time spent at an Italian restaurant where I had 1 piece of garlic bread, about 4 zucchini sticks and 1 slice of a small pizza (it was a gorgeous spinach, ricotta, tomato, garlic + a little bit of bacon pizza). 1 slice. Yep, that's it.  I grew up eating entire pizzas of this size. 

By being a little bad with the diet, I feel very, very good - I feel very, very healthy both mentally and physically. The weekend was an eye-opener when it came to appetite, certainly, but it also taught me that I can choose "whatever" and still be just fine. I don't have to say "fuck it all," to have a good time. I can manage, and do a pretty good job, and resume my food log and diet routine without guilt or pain.... because my body knew when enough was enough.

So...when does going to the gym become a habit? Because I am totally skipping today. I told you sometimes the evilbrain wins.

Just don't tell it that I'm going to use the home treadmill tonight. There is no way I am giving up that mile I worked all this time for. No. Way.

Like pulling teeth embedded in concrete.

That's how my walk at the gym was! Oh, my God. I went without hesitation or second thoughts (even though I was hungry sans apple and could have easily made excuses to buy something on the way rather than wait to be home.) I felt like I had won already, really. Then I got on the treadmill and kicked that sucker up because the pace felt "lagging" to me....then I proceeded to wipe myself out.

I was just about 2/10 of a mile away from finishing a half when I really needed to pee. (Yeah, well, a fact is a fact.) I tried ignoring that and just kept walking, thinking the need would fade away and I would get to go when I reached the mile.

Then my low back started hurting. WTF. My low back hasn't hurt since like month two of all this (I started this life changing stuff on Valentine's Day of this year.) I was kind of pissed that my back hurt because it hindered the walking, so I punched the speed down to what used to be hard for me but is now kind of a crawl and I kept going. Until I got to the half-mile mark.

I had had it. I was tired. Cranky. Felt completely out of energy. Still had to pee. BLEH. So, I stopped the madness, got off the treadmill, let myself go to the ladies and then walked around a little just to loosen up.

I ended up sitting on a bike and exercised on that for 15 minutes because I had just robbed myself of 15 minutes of treadmill really.

But I really wanted to finish a mile. I was determined. I was tired. I literally felt like I couldn't do it... but I only had a half mile of it to go. I really wanted to finish. So, I got back on the treadmill (with magazines to keep my brain doing something other than letting me think and whine) and I kept the speed low and I walked..and as I felt more comfortable I pushed the speed up some more. A half mile was gone in no time - fifteen minutes - and by the time I was done, I felt GREAT. and tired. and ready for lunch and some down time.

YAY ME!

Argh! My Apple Is Gross!

I like eating an apple a day. I don't always remember to bring one with me, but I'm generally happy having one for a mid-morning snack because it tides me over very well and I don't feel guilty eating it. This morning's apple is a yucky mess inside. There are no visible signs of this on the outside - no bruises, no little worm holes, nothing! I'm writing a post because I'm doing my damndest to stay away from the vending machine full of non-natural-sugar-stuff and all that is made in salt heaven. I'm hungry though.

Some good news: My high school friend, Mary, is going to visit. She's on her way today. My house is a disaster, but I don't think she'll mind. Mary's (thankfully) the kind of person who will relax in any (literally ANY) environment and still keep a cheerful conversation going. I think she can handle the strewn laundry, dust beagles (I don't own any bunnies), scattered papers and things (read: boxes full of stuff, mattress set, TOYS TOYS TOYS) pulled up from the basement while people work on turning that unfinished space into a room. And even though she's pretty great, I'll try to keep her in the kitchen or out of the house until Sunday when she has to head home.

I'm excited Mary's coming. I may have to drag her to the gym if she gets in by then. What a welcome, right? "Hi, nice to see you after your 5-6 hour road trip. Are you ready to walk for a half hour? Let's go!" Yep. I'm going whether she's here or not. I owe it to myself for missing the gym and EVERYTHING I PLANNED TO GET DONE Wednesday and having a really sucky time trying to catch up ever since. So, gym time is for me. I hate going there. I hate walking for thirty minutes, but I love blogging that I did it when I'm done. My reward is telling you. :)

Food Log: Wednesday 8/10 & Thursday 8/11

Wednesday Wake Time: 6:20 AM

7:00 AM/not very hungry
1/2 a bran muffin and 2% milk.

10:40 AM/hungry
1 med apple

11:00 AM
Pepsi One

NO GYM (heavy schedule)

1:30 PM/hungry
ham and American cheese w/mayo on whole wheat. 1 strawberry/banana yogurt.Water.

NAP 4:00 PM to 7:50 PM <- RUINED MY ENTIRE NIGHT.

8 PM/hungry
Grilled zucchini, grilled steak, fake potatoes, 2 corn niblets, butter, Diet Pepsi.

Bed time: 4 AM. SUCKED!

Thursday wake time 5:30 AM (had to make up for missing too much time Weds.)

8:00 AM/hungry

1 McDonald's sausage mcmuffin and 2% milk.

11:00 AM/eh
Diet Pepsi

2:00 PM/very hungry

Roast beef & swiss cheese on whole wheat with mayo. Strawberry yogurt. Water.

NAP: 3:30 to 4:30 PM

6:30 PM/hungry
Leftover steak & potatoes. Diet Coke.

Bed time: I'm not even sure. I fell asleep watching a movie. 

Some Good News

I've got stories to do. I skipped going to the gym to get the interviews done - some of them are finished and some are dependent upon callbacks (grr.) I only stopped a moment to tell you I'm down 2.8 lbs. since last week and my blood pressure is 104/86. That's how I rock it. Home treadmill in place of the gym tonight. Still needing a nap... still working on stories. I won't be seen again til tomorrow, I reckon!

The Deniaaalllll.....!

Why so much denial?

This question has been rolling around with me for a while and tonight it won't let me sleep a wink. Could have to do with my mom called and I listened to over an hour of woe because she's very, very, very overweight and her life is in immediate danger and she knows it.

She has congestive heart failure. She has diabetes. She's on the mend from surgery to remove uterine cancer. She has weak lungs. She has asthma. Her feet swell. She can hardly walk. She's not sleeping right. She's emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted. She's getting sickly and is staying in bed more. She doesn't know what to do to get stronger again.

I may not have all the complications my mother has, but I have been in that state - that "I know I need to do something, but I have no idea what" mindset where you clearly DO know what steps you must take, but you resist taking them....for reasons like: stubbornness, rebellion, aversion to the loss of control, fear of being out of control, dislike of having to change your behaviors, dislike of having to eat things you don't like and stay away from things you do like, dislike for your body because it doesn't process foodstuff that way other peoples' bodies do, the natural resistance buildup you get from physical fatigue, the feeling that you're in a cyclical spin you can't fight your way out of.

There are LOTS of reasons to deny yourself of health and well-being. There are LOTS of reasons to deny responsibility for your state. There are LOTS of reasons to deny that you need help. There are LOTS of reasons to deny that you have ultimate control or CAN do anything about anything at all.

I don't know if my mother is going to get any help or if she's as capable of helping herself as she wants to convince me; however, I know that I need help and I'm so glad I'm getting it.

I told my mom tonight that if I was that good at taking care of myself all by myself I wouldn't have a problem with my weight. The fact is, I cannot take care of myself properly and I must learn to. I'm not going to tell myself I do know how when it is painfully clear when I look in a mirror that I'd only be lying to myself.

I'm glad I have the gym to go to and the people there who are encouraging and helpful and who know a whole lot about fitness and what my body needs in order to perform, feel and look well. I'm glad I have this upcoming nutrition and wellness group to attend via Yourishment because I'm going to learn (what I thought I already knew) the accurate balance of foods my body needs in order to perform, feel and look well. It's not like I haven't been to a gym before or haven't seen a dietitian or nutrition expert in all my years...it's just that I know I have to start with forgetting everything I think I know and just...let the experts teach me what they know.

In this way, I am educating myself and also giving myself real freedom from all those strangely tempting reasons to deny that I can be well. Physically, emotionally and spiritually well.

Food log: Tuesday 8/9

Wake: 6:20 AM

7:20 AM/not hugely hungry

1/2 a bran muffin
1 med banana
2% milk

...you won't believe this, but I forgot to bring my snack with me to work. It was drudgery mid-morning.

11:00 AM/hungry
Pepsi One

...and I had a Doc appt. for 1:45 so lunch wasn't til almost 3.

Almost 3 PM/RAR!

Deli roast beef and American cheese on wheat bread with mayo. I was too lazy to bother building veggies into the sandwich. Water.

NAP: 3:30 PM to 6:ish PM

7:40 PM/impatiently hungry
1 wedge of Laughing Cow cheese & a snacky portion of sourdough pretzel nibblers. (this while I was already cooking dinner but was too impatient to wait the fifteen minutes or so.)

8:00 PM/could eat
Garden veggie pasta with chicken and pesto. Water.

10:00 PM/thirsty, craving caffeine really
Diet Pepsi Lime

Bed time is now... good night!

Heck, Yeah, I Did.

First, the cruddy food log:

Food Log: Monday 8/8

Wake time: 6:20 AM

7:20 AM/so-so
1 packet Carnation instant breakfast with 2% milk

10:40 AM/hungry
peanut butter & crackers out of vending machine. Water.

Exercise: 27 minute mile.

2:30 PM/could eat your house
1 foot long Subway cold cut combo with lettuce, tomato and mayonaise.
1 bag of Funions.
Water.

Nap: 3 PM to 6 something PM.


8 PM
Grocery Shopping (took an hour!)

9 PM/slightly hungry
1 Red Delicious apple, 2 T. peanut butter, 1 c. yogurt (flavored with honey).

Today, when I was deciding to go to the gym, I sat in the car in a parking lot while my head held a debate. I finally said to myself, "Well, what is it you want?" and the real answer was "I want to be super woman and go walk a mile at the gym." That's when I made up my mind to just do it. "And," I added, "I want lunch to be ready for me afterward."

I knew I didn't have groceries at home, so I went to Subway and I so didn't make a Jared choice if you know what I mean. I did learn that I can't let my kitchen get empty of easy-to-fetch, health(ier than I was eating) snacks. Had I brought my apple to work, I would have been much less hungry by the time I got out of the gym - I was hungry well before I even got there - and I wouldn't eat so heavily and then need to sleep so desperately. I know I hate food logging, but it's helping me to see where and what needs improvement.

I'm getting more excited about working with Ivana and Barb on nutrition and stamina-building respectively. Barb is gone for the week to visit her sister so I am hopefully going to surprise her with my progress when she is back to the gym. Soon there will be a woman's group to attend (Ivana is coaching) one morning a week that will (hopefully) make the transitions of more meaningful, more helpful nutritional changes than I am making on my own even easier to do.

 I've managed to stay away from fast food since the start of this blog which was the first behavior change I wanted to make. It's only been a week, right? So I have to keep going and avoiding...I'm trying to make a habit of having lunches at home, even if they're frozen portioned meals. So far, so good.

Here's what I just old my BFE...

"I left for work without a heck of a lot of food in me/planned out so after the gym I was hungry like a monster and I ordered a 12" sub sandwich thinking I WILL DEMOLISH IT. Well. I had some self argument over getting a 6" that obviously did not win out (cause I told myself I'd just eat half and if hungry later go NOMNOMNOM.) Lies! I ate the entire thing and then I couldn't even function and I fell asleep and just woke up and I'm still full and my stomach is sour feeling. Not good!"

I haven't been food shopping in a week and we are out of  fresh stuff - makes it hard to snack and fill up on things not junk food, right? So, I am going on a forced shopping trip this evening so that I don't do that to myself again tomorrow. This is important to note because I do not like to go grocery shopping, but I don't like to feel gross and terrible MORE than I do not like to go grocery shopping. That's the Math, Jack.

Food Log: Sunday 8/7

Man, I eat a lot of carbs. And I stink at eating vegetables when I'm "lazy cooking" and just tossing microwavable meals in to get food to happen (mainly because I'm tired!) It's one thing to know it, but another thing to become conscious of it. Eeeeee!

Wake Time: 3:30something AM

8:30 AM/hungry
2 poached eggs, 2 sausage links, 2 pieces of wheat toast, butter, a few stabs at breakfast potatoes. Water. Tea.

2:00 PM/hungry
Leftover pad thai (the other half the order) and a leftover piece of chicken parm. Diet Pepsi.

Nap: 2:30 pm - 5:30 pm

8:00 PM/hungry
1 Lean Cuisine rigatoni alfredo with broccoli entree and 2 corn niblets and 2 pieces of wheat bread. butter.

Bed time: Close to 1 AM.

So the moral of the food log is: Dude. If you get more sleep, you just might eat better.

Good Lord!!

Total Fangirl

I want to be a Derby Dame, I want to be a Derby Dame, I want to be a Derby Dame. If I owned a pair of red, glittered skates I would be clicking them together so much. WOW! I had an exciting day. ....Let me get the boring part out of the way first.

Food Log: Saturday 8/6

Wake time: 4:00 AM

11:00 AM/famished!
BIG breakfast of Scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, fresh fruit. Water.

2 something PM/slightly hungry (not much)
A couple of bites of pot roast w/veg. Diet Coke.

5:30 PM/could eat
a bite of one of Hopper's mozarella sticks (she got to tide her over til the tournament was over). Coke Zero.

9:00 PM/hungry
1/2 order of Pad Thai from Downtown Thai. Shared coconut ice cream. Water.

Please remember not to make comments on what I eat. I'm reserving that right for Ivana and Barb only for now.

OKAY, SO!

Work was great - but being on the air always is. It's my favorite work to do ever. I went to see Change-Up (Way, too much info in some places. I don't think the script even needed it. A lot of the lines/actions were very very funny, so I don't get why all the boobs and vulgar junk - anyway!) So, yeah, hit the shops for school supplies, saw the movie, then went to the local rink to watch my first ever roller derby tournament and I fell in love.

Realistically, I am in no shape to become one and it would take one good check to make my knee die completely; however, I was cheering and standing and clapping and SO into these bouts you would have thought I was watching the B's in a power play. I think I loved the derby so much because it's got as much action as hockey and there's rar! and fight! and the players have to actually exert effort to succeed.

I am still grinning. I can't stop.

I went to get myself a t-shirt (and I am picky about t-shirts because I dislike the ones with a thick crew neck, but they had a thin v-neck I was happy to see.) so they only had one on the table and I was wary of its size... but I asked if I could try it on over my clothes. It was a tight fit, but a fit no less. When I mentioned it being a little tight, one of the sellers sought her bin of supplies to find me a larger one, but I stopped her.

I told her I'd get it and wear it soon enough. (It wasn't THAT tight) So, now I have a Charlottesville Derby Dames t-shirt and I'll let you know when I'm wearing it to the gym.

Food Log: Friday 8/5

Wake time: 6 AM

7:20 AM/not hugely hungry
1 awesome chocolate Carnation Instant Breakfast w/2%milk, plus a banana

11 AM/hungry
1 med. apple

Noon/thirsty
Diet Coke

Exercise: 30 min. mile.

2:45 PM/hungry
1 Smart Ones entree: Penne alfredo. 2 slices whole wheat bread. butter. Water.

7:00 PM/hungry
Chicken parmesan w/spaghetti and meat sauce. Milk.

9:00 PM/snacky
small green salad w/ranch dressing.

+ 2 glasses of white wine.

10:50 PM Bedtime.

A Mile by Sunday: DONE.

I am feeling the glory of having finished a 30 minute mile. I'd gotten to where I could do a mile in about 45 minutes a few weeks ago and then I skipped exercising entirely (for 2 weeks) so to do .75 of a mile in just over 30 minutes Wednesday and cut my time and still complete the mile TODAY is like WOAH. Words cannot describe. Or maybe they can:

I had a sucky day at work. It wasn't that the workplace wasn't comfortable and it wasn't that my coworkers were any kind of bother. Clients, prize winners and guests who came in were all pretty great. Communication, though? Kaput! It was one of those days when you question if you exist on the same planet as everybody else. I had to go over step-by-step instructions on a number of things because my brain just wouldn't ingest what other people were telling me, and I couldn't seem to express what I knew would make sense, but could only spill out of my head as a jumble of uhms and uhs because my mind was busy backtracking to make sure I was being as clear as I could. TELL ME THIS HAPPENS TO YOU.

So, when I left the office, I was mumbly and grumbly. I had to pass Pantops a.k.a ISLE OF HAZARDOUS FOOD and I was so tempted to veer off into the Taco Bell drive-up that I sought my cell phone (yes, while driving) to hold onto in case I needed to dial someone to talk me through a food-mergency.

My head talk went like this: "But, Taco Bell now is going to make me too tired to go to the gym. Heck, I'm already too tired to go to the gym. Still, if I just keep driving, I'll be home pretty soon and there's stuff already there to eat. But, maybe Burger King would be okay. I could just toss the bread and skip the fries. Ew, but then I'd have to blog it. Sigh. I'm crazy-thirsty. I'll just go through and get a drink. And maybe something little. Augh, see. I can't even JUST get a drink. Fuck it. I have Diet Pepsi at home anyway."

By the time I finished talking, I was already past the clump of fast food joints. My conversation hadn't stopped though.

"What time is it? It's only 1. Wow, I thought it was later. There's time to go to the gym. But, I have to take Hopper to horses (riding lessons) today. *a minute for clock math* So...huhm. I can't eat anything before I go to the gym or I'll get sleepy and ignore everything. But, if I go to the gym, I'll be tired taking Hopper to horses. BLAH. Okay, check it: You can go home and bring this shitty day with you and be all negative and have lunch and probably be too tired to do anything else and feel like crap because you didn't make good choices or you can go to the gym and turn this into a positive day. Even if you don't do the mile. At least go."

I was almost home. I came up on the road that leads to the gym.

"If I go now, I can get on the treadmill and maybe let go of some of this (miscommunication) crap. But, I am not doing a mile. Not today. I could barely friggin walk this morning. I'm going to be tired taking Hopper to horses. But, I can just sleep in the car while she rides. FINE. I'll do it."

Resigned to go to the gym, I turned down that road.

On the treadmill next.

"Good God. There is no way I'm going to get a mile done. It's going to take forever. How long has it been? *check timer* Three minutes. *walkwalkwalk. check time.* Five minutes. UGH! How far have I even gone? *check* Snails walk faster!"

I spent at least half a mile trying to ignore absolutely everything by watching poorly typed captions on two overhead televisions. To the right was CNN news, to the left Days of Our Lives, and I loosely followed both. I can tell you that CNN is harping on obesity because fat kids died of heat exhaustion in recent months and Brady is so going to pummel E.J. when he gets to the clearing in the forest where E.J.'s waiting for him - but Victor may know something and he just may interfere with those plans. That guy's an opportunist, Victor.

If you're still reading this, I gradually increased my speed and just kept going. I got my real energy when I was at a half mile. That's when I started telling myself (trainer-Barb-style) to walk in increments of five - I'd reach .55 miles and set my mind on getting to .60...like that. I told myself that when I got to .90 I would slow my speed down and walk a lazy tenth to the finish...and that's just what I did.

So, now I'm home. I'm tired. I have yet to eat the microwaved entree thingie I threw in when I got here, so I'm off to do that and then take Hopper to horses where I will undoubtedly fall asleep. Hallelujah!

So Grateful

When I tell my friends or family that I am writing "a weight loss blog," they find the idea inspiring, cool and want to read along with my progress. I am most amazed that no one reminds me of the several starts and stops I've already been through. No one sighs or rolls their eyes because they remember the last time I started something I didn't finish. No one gives me a grim look and says, "Well...good luck with that." Truth be told, I think those things and it is a wonder that nobody else says them out loud. They must think them, right? I think them.

But, I read the encouraging messages on Facebook or in e-mail or I find supportive comments are already written and waiting for me on this shiny, new blog. You. Give. Such. Comfort.

I'd love to say I'm confident enough about this next attempt to forgo external validation, but I really could not (and perhaps should not) do so. Doing the work and blogging about it feels a little less intimidating knowing you are there.

I was pensive when contemplating whether to include anyone in my progress like this. I probably could do the unknown blogger on the internet thing, but I like your feedback too much. Thank you for loving me.

Food Log: Thursday 8/4

Wake time: 6:15 AM

7:20 AM/slightly hungry
1 bowl of Fiber One Honey Clusters w/2% milk

10 AM/hungry
1 med. apple

11 AM
Diet Coke

1 PM/hungry
Egg salad w/lettuce on Bodos onion bagel. 2% milk.

4:30 PM/slightly hungry (but I knew I had to be somewhere and dinner would be late)
Fig Newton snack pack

8:50 PM/hungry
1 slow roasted turkey breast entree from Smart Ones, 2 slices whole wheat bread, butter. Water.

Food Log: Wednesday 8/3

I figured I had better start this and get used to food logging since I am going to be doing a lot of it in the coming months with my group/wellness coach/fitness trainer.

I'm turning off comments for food log entries because I'm sensitive to having anyone assess them and I'd only like feedback from my coaches for right now. I'll keep them public so anyone who wants can track my progress, though.

Just FYI, I'm not following a diet plan at the moment. I'm just eating whatever - though trying to keep away from fast food (which I have had problems with!) and other hugely high calorie stuff.

Wake time: 4 AM

7 AM/slightly hungry
1 Carnation instant breakfast (milk chocolate) w/2% milk.
1 med. banana

11 AM
Pepsi One (took about 3 hours to finish it)

12:30 PM/very hungry
1 lg. apple
1 pkg. pb & crackers

Exercise: 30 minutes on treadmill.

2 PM/hungry
1 entree Lean Cuisine chicken, fettuccine and broccoli, 2 corn on the cob niblets & a little butter

3 PM/unsatisfied
Handful (literally) raw broccoli, carrots, celery w/wedge of Laughing Cow cheese

Nap 5-7 PM

8 PM/slightly hungry
Baked cod (1/2 T. melted butter, lime juice, tarragon, sprinkles of pepper & sesame seeds), boiled red potatoes dressed w/olive oil and rosemary, green salad, Caesar dressing. Diet Coke.

10:40 PM/hungry
1.5 c. Microwaved popcorn (flavored)

Bedtime 11:30 PM, woken by phone at 12:30 AM, Back to bed by 2:30 AM

Whiney Gym Day

I didn't want to go to the gym today, but I'm glad I went. It's been two weeks since my last visit because I've let a heap of moping take precedence over fulfilling my exercise obligations. I could wah-wah-wah to you for a while and tick off a list reasons for neglecting to go, but let's not. I'm a smart woman. If there is a reason to not go, I can find it and cling to it like a bug on a blade of grass in a windstorm.

I went. And in the weeks I've missed I've lost some momentum and strength so I had to start ....well, not at the beginning. I am still in far better shape than I was when I first walked into the fitness center and asked Barb for help. So, today I began with a setback, but it wasn't awful.

Previously, I'd worked up to walking a mile and a quarter. Today, I walked three quarters of a mile. If I can walk a mile by Sunday I can be back on track  I'm not so certain I will make the Women's 4-Miler; however, I agreed to train as if it's still going to happen.

"The worst that can happen is that you can walk two miles," Barb said. She's right. I can't let the overwhelming goal of four miles stop me from getting to two. Imagine if I could walk two miles, three times a week? Today showed me that I have the right stuff...it just is going to take time. I have to remember when I couldn't even walk one mile any day of the week and see what I'm doing now as a pretty good accomplishment.

I stayed at a pretty slow pace (slower than I actually wanted to walk) but was able to keep annoying knee pain between 3-4 on a scale of 10 for the entire time. Good news, that.

Hope has a Refresh Button

I met with a nutrition and wellness coach today. May I preface this by saying I've met a number of nutrition specialists since adolescence? All of my past experience with dietitians and FDA food pyramid advocates came with me to her Yourishment office this afternoon.

I was armed with preconceived notions, my current knowledge of nutrition and anatomy & physiology, and the memories of every other attempt at weight loss via nutrition coaching I have made. I had to ignore defeatist statements playing a loop inside my head. I had to hope, once again, that THIS time everything will go according to plan. THIS time I will follow through. I had to ignore every reminder of those times I failed to keep trying. I had to hope that I will act differently this time or I wouldn't have been able to knock on her door.

So, here is what I did: I wrestled with indecision. Okay, but then I called and talked to her just to get a feel for her personality. I could immediately tell that she was professional and that she could easily smile. That relaxed me. I went ahead and made the appointment to meet her, then I let myself look forward to our meeting and what she'd have to offer.

I'm so glad I did.

It's too early to make assumptions, so I'm not going to suggest I know what's going to happen. What I can say is that I felt welcomed by Ivana from the moment we met at her door. I was comfortable with her initial questions and I feel that our consultation revealed that she is invested in her work as a nutrition and wellness coach. Even better, she is not afraid to be honest and say what she thinks. Even more better, she is able to listen whether or not she is in agreement.

She didn't warn me about the dangers of my weight - she actually trusts me to understand why I sought her expertise. She didn't hand me a standard FDA food pyramid. She just talked to me about what she does and listened to what my needs are. We went over some health stuff and some family history stuff and I shared a personal goal of dropping to a smaller clothing size...and that was it for today.

I'm possibly going to join a group of other C'ville women who will also work with her over the next three months. I say possibly because it depends on whether the ladies and I can make it to the same group meeting but, regardless of that, I'm on board because I chanced to hope just one more time.

Here We Go Again

I have a confession to make: I suck at taking pills. Years ago, I received the diagnosis of hypothyroidism from awesome Dr. Hong when he had a practice with his partner in Charlottesville. He was my PCP at that time and was probably the most thorough physician I'd ever known. I'm not a good patient, though. As much as it should become a habit, I lost the want to take thyroid pills (I just felt so stereotypical i.e. fat chick with low metabolism/thyroid trouble) and would only wish to resort to taking them when my energy felt drastically low.

But, I couldn't just take the pills even if I was unbearably tired because there is a warning about stopping and starting this particular prescription - it is something you have to gradually increase in volume or ween from once you've had blood work properly analyzed and are on a closely-watched regimen. I got tired of the maintenance because I was so used to feeling a lack of physical (and sometimes mental) energy.

For someone with the problem, I've managed to get along pretty well aside from my not losing any weight. I found ways to fit in naps, ways to work around spending too much energy at any one time, and how to schedule my day around my drowsiest hours so that I can have them and still function "normally." I have handled my diagnosis in a very mind-over-matter way. Sometimes I even convince myself that I'm doing great.

That can't be true, though. How can I be doing so great, but still be this size? I'm not really doing great. What I'm doing is coping.  I am doing a great job of coping. What I really want is to be doing great. Get me?

Like it or not, the pills help me when I take them so I'm eyeing the possibility of taking Synthroid again. To do so would mean: A visit to a new physician. Regular blood drawing. Tiresome history reports & other paperwork. Kicking my own ass to take the pills consistently. It looks and feels like a lot of work just to take one stupid daily pill; however, I have to ask myself 'how much work am I doing just to cope with the problem?'

Having slow metabolism prevents me from losing weight at the rate and pace that normal people can. Having slow metabolism messes with the process of my girl parts. Having slow metabolism breaks my day up into segments of can or can't. Having slow metabolism  makes digestion even harder. Having slow metabolism turns out to be a much bigger chore than taking Synthroid and, if the preceding statements weren't enough, that seems to be what motivates me.

I called a family physician and I can get in to see her on Tuesday.

EDIT: I had an interesting conversation with a nutrition coach this afternoon and I am going to put the idea of getting a Synthroid prescription on hold for now. First, blood work to get all my levels of everything, then some dietary changes, then some blood work to get all my levels of everything, then see if the hormone replacement is still necessary. Coming up: My consultation with Ivana Kadija and the start of a new venture (and friendship, I think!)

This is Only a Dream

It was evening. I was in a conversion van with my parents. My mother was in one of the back seats, my stepdad was in the passenger seat and I was in the driver seat. It was just us three. My mom kept expressing worry about me driving the van because I hadn't any experience doing so. My stepdad felt I could figure it out and continued to say so whenever she'd get concerned or if I'd start to wonder that she's right.

The van, it turned out, belonged to my stepfather. It was uncomfortable to drive because the seat was compromised. My butt was half on top of a strange curved cushion that was probably supposed to support someone's low back. I didn't have room between that and the steering wheel to slip my butt down onto the regular seat 100%.

Physically uncomfortable and doing my best to ignore my mom's concern so I could drive and keep us safe. I pulled onto a city road that was supposed to turn into a highway but it narrowed into an icy backroad that I could no longer drive on.

I had to stop the van and get out. My parents inside, I checked the ground to see if I was really seeing this: blue tiles of ice forming a slide going down the side of a mountain. The van was never going to make it. I knew I couldn't drive it down, even with my stepfather's best intentions to get me past whatever partitions of concern my mother set up.

I admitted that I couldn't drive us down there, that it wasn't safe. My mom didn't choose to say anything except she hoped we'd be alright. I told them I'd go ahead down on my own. Somehow, I knew the beautiful slide would end somewhere normal. I felt that as long as I didn't fight it, and as long as I just treated this like one would a water slide (just sit on the icy tiles and let gravity do its job) everything would be fine.

There was unspoken agreement that I'd see my parents again later and I went ahead, walking the icy road until I had to sit down and let the slope draw me down and through. Partway down I saw there were people up ahead of me (though they weren't close enough to detail or talk to) and that made me feel even less worried about the ride down. I was even starting to have fun. The ice was beautifully colored. The air was crisp and refreshing. The movement was swift and adventurous. Whee! :)

I could sense the end was coming before I arrived there. Before I could wonder what it would be like, I arrived at the bottom where there was no longer ice, just simple grass and a tiny stream of water, bed rock, and daylight. I saw the people who went ahead of me were about to get in a car and take off, so I asked to hitch a ride to a hotel, assuming we'd find one.

A girl who'd taken the slide before said after the last time she went down and she got home she slept for seventeen days. We laughed.

That's when I woke up.

I think it's important to remember certain dreams. Dreams can help us work through things sometimes - even free us from beliefs we no longer need. I reread this and think I must finally be feeling comfortable leaving the not-exactly-custom-made-for-me lifestyle of my parents to seek my own adventure....and isn't that what this blog happens to be about?